Stumbling Towards Perfect

Sorry, kids, I don't do birthday parties. Once upon a time, I had imagined I would. I pictured coordinated decorations and pleasant conversation and smiles and laughter and everyone getting along... and then I hosted a birthday party for Jadrian when she turned 5. Or 6. I don't know - I blocked it out. That was it. First birthday party hosted. Last birthday party hosted. End of story. Avery never had a birthday party. Avery always wanted a birthday party. And so here I sit, wondering why I never gave her a birthday party. Avery deserved a birthday party. Avery deserved the biggest, bestest, most awesomest birthday party ever! Avery deserved epic. Instead, Avery had to settle with a mom who just didn't want to deal with the complex characters of small children. And so, I protected my sanity and decided I would not do birthday parties. End of story. Oh, but how she asked. Instead, I tried really hard to make up for the lack of party. Each birthday she ...

From that very first birthday, we are told to  make a wish and blow out the candle! We learn about the magic of a shooting star streaking across the night sky. We're handed coins from our daddy's pocket to toss into a fountain, as he reminds us to be careful and wish for just the right thing. We   learn quickly how to make wishes, and continue to make them everyday. I don't believe we ever stop wishing. But... "It's not about making wishes, it's about fulfilling them." At least, this is what author MAXIMILIAN A. TIMM , wants us to understand. Max is the author of the upcoming Young Adult fantasy novel, The WishKeeper.  And it's a book you're going to want to get your hands on. What good is a million wishes if you don't try to fulfill even but one of them? *Awesome side note: the main character's name is Shea, which happens to be Jadrian's middle name. **Awesome side note #2: another character's name is...

It's the first day of school. I know this for two reasons: (1) I've been dreading it, and (2) every post on Facebook is reminding me of it. Scrolling through picture after picture filled with toothless grins, perfectly parted hair, brand new backpacks and shoes without a single scuff, I find that most accompanying comments mention something along the lines of time goes so fast ... I know what happens when time stops .   Avery absolutely loved school. Loved it! She wasn't a big fan of homework (we had more than our share of "angry Math") but rather felt her school was her home. She saw her teachers not just as rulers of the classroom, but as people who cared for and loved their students; as fill-in Moms and Dads she was blessed with during the hours I was at work. She could tell me everything about any kid in her school. She knew their name, where they lived, if they had any siblings or pets and what they liked to do for fun. They weren't just ...

 Jadrian, surfing in Tamarindo, Costa Rica 2013 I spend a lot of time on my blog talking about missing Avery. It brings me tears and breaks my heart over and over and it takes my breath away just as it did that very second on October 24, 2012, when I learned she had died.  But I also know that Avery is in an incredible place. There is no more hurt for her. She will never feel pain or cry or worry or ache or want. There is nothing more soothing to a Mama's heart than knowing your child is happy, healthy and in good hands. Although the hands she rests in are not mine, whose better to be in than God's? It's strange, though, how my mind can split into three places at the same time: missing terribly Avery, trying to deal with whatever in-the-now thing is happening (make dinner, put on Brody's shoes, vacuum the rug) and praying for Jadrian. I pray for her every single second of every single day. My heart does not rest. I believ...

It just feels right. God, in His infinite wisdom (because who am I to doubt), has decided to inundate me with writing opportunities. And for this, I am incredibly grateful. I will be able to write from home. Or from the local coffee house. Or from a diner located off US Route 1 in Waldoboro, Maine. ( Hello, Moody's! ) I will have to attend weekly staff meetings. Virtually . Which means I can totally wear jeans. Or nothing at all (as long as I have the web cam aimed properly). I will get paid to pluck away at the computer. Learn things. Research. Share. Collaborate. Write. I will be able to work late into the night or early in the morning or at any point in between when I deem to be the most productive to my employer. I will be able to volunteer at the school. Throw in a load of laundry. Meet a friend for breakfast. Work on growing  AVERYday Ministries . And already, you guys? I have met the coolest, neatest, smartest people. People who smile . People who want ...

One positive thing to come out of resigning from my job is that I now have time . Time to do all the things that I wanted to do, that I dreamed of doing, the entire time I was working. When I was working, taking time off was, well, confusing . Sometimes you had to fill out a form, but not all the times. And sometimes you could take time off even if your co-worker was also gone, but other times you couldn't. And sometimes it was okay to take time off to take your kid to physical therapy, but other times you were told to schedule that kind of stuff after hours. Sometimes I could leave at four o'clock to go to my grief counselor, but other times I had to cancel at the last minute because for whatever reason it was now decided I couldn't leave the office closed for half an hour (even though it was a slow day). I was never good at being able to tell which situation warranted which rule. And that made me exhausted. And crabby . It was akin to tiptoeing up to your alcoholic...

Assuming I could garner the strength to climb to the tippy top of the ladder, and assuming I would be able to stand, toes on edge, overlooking the vastness of black depth, and assuming I could step off, fingers wrapped white-tight around the bar of the trapeze swing... assuming I could swing - assuming I would swing.... Oh! How I would swing! Back and forth like waves of breath and life and joy and goodness, over the top of the mountain and back again! Swinging to allow my soul to fly and my heart to beat feel-good rhythms of wind that brings laughter. Oh! How I would swing!  And yet, the back and forth swinging would not be enough. No. It would not. Because repetition is good in the beginning when taking baby steps of learning, but it is not enough to sustain you when God gives you a world to break open and explore. Back and forth simply becomes back. And forth. And the heart heaves heavy with more-wanting and the joy seeps out with the tired ache of the musc...