Stumbling Towards Perfect

I don't normally write about work because I'm afraid I'll get fired and let's be honest: (1) I need the health insurance, and (2) I'm not nearly as clever as Dooce  and will probably never turn my firing into a multi-million dollar empire, so I was taking quite a chance yesterday by  unlocking the secrets of the office freezer. Imagine my shock (and slight horror) when, at lunch today, the boss stands up, goes to the freezer, opens it, and announces something along the lines of look at all these decrepit bananas; I shall, upon my most immediate convenience, take them home and bake them into a tasty banana bread for all to enjoy. Say what?! I sat dazed and confused, convinced I had been exposed and surely would be fired for my satirical view of the beloved freezer. She continued to announce the 4-year old popsicles ought to be dumped. Take a look at our newly cleaned freezer: The brick of butter is still there. And, so far, I'm still employed here. So, ...

Lean Cuisine and Sandwiches . Obviously, it's someone's lunch. Obviously, it's not mine since it isn't piping hot and sitting in a take-out container. We also find an old banana that someone just couldn't dare part with. A box of French Fries . We don't have a deep fryer, but I'm sure thawed out at room temperature those babies are tasty. Ice cubes . Only one person uses ice cubes in the office. They must be prepared. Cake . Trust me on this one: cake tastes better frozen. Popsicles . No one actually eats these popsicles. At least, no one has since the fall of 2007. A pound of butter : you never know when you'll need to move heavy office furniture. Greasing the floor helps things slide. More old, black bananas : we feel bad wasting our rotten fruit. Please don't suggest baking banana bread because if someone hasn't had the urge to bake that in the past four years I doubt they'll find the urge now. Ice . Lots of Ice. Ice packs. Ice c...