Stumbling Towards Perfect

  August 31, 2021 is the day I claim as 'Day One of My Beloved Singlehood'. It's actually way more complicated than that. Simply put, I was involved in a toxic enmeshment that went on far too long so, while there was no physical entanglement for quite awhile before that date, they were a part of my life that made it completely impossible to carry on with another in a healthy manner. So, August 31, 2021 is as good a day as any to start counting. Being single is just as amazing as being in a committed relationship and should be celebrated with an anniversary just as much as a marriage can be. In fact, I would argue perhaps it deserves to be celebrated even more so.  Our society is set up for couplehood. Shoot, the cost of a mortgage alone is proof of that. Most housing options are designed under the assumption two people will be sharing the space and the cost. There's also Valentine's Day and then Sweetest Day lest we forget being in a relationship should garner an en...

Out of respect I'm referring to you as the other woman but really you are closer in age to a teenager than a full-fledged mature woman. You're younger than my oldest daughter. When I found out, I felt sad for you. No one thinks about where they want to be in five years and says, "I'd like to take part in destroying a legacy. I'd like to break up a home." I thought your dreams should be larger, even if you didn't know that yet. I remember how you were described to me and I thought I would never, ever want anyone to describe my daughter in those terms. Especially by someone who had to sneak around and lie in order to sleep with you. I wondered if you even understood that you deserved better. Of course I was angry. Who wouldn't be? But that was quickly replaced with worry for you. You were so young. So impressionable. You were supposed to be out having fun with someone proud to be with you, not sneaking around hoping he would one day leave and choose you....

I've dreamt about my wedding for years. I've discussed it, talked about it, imagined it, and mentally made notes about what would be perfect for the day of my dreams.  When I was engaged (and I was engaged for many, many, many years before it became painfully obvious that we were never moving on to the next stage), we would lie awake and make plans about how amazing our wedding would be.  But it wasn't going to be a wedding others were used to. I tired of going to so many weddings where the church was less than half filled while the reception was filled to the gills. I felt sad that the thank God that's over  paved the way for a night of drunken chaos and debauchery. I did not want "remember when Ryan got so drunk he got in a fight with your niece's date?" or "can you believe Doug tripped over the ice sculpture and puked all over the dance floor" to be memories at my wedding.  The idea that all that primping and prepping for a seventeen-minute ch...

About nineteen years ago I showed up at the house of a stranger because the guy I was dating said his friends were having a Game Night. We played Catch Phrase. When it was his turn he started describing the word we had to guess in order to win the point:  "My girlfriend has these... they're small... they're not very big..."  And everyone started guessing various body parts except the obvious one as he kept going on and on about how small these were and they're not big and by this point people are awkwardly looking at the ground whispering things like collar bone and ankle even though everyone was thinking breasts but no one wanted to be the jerk who said it.  The word was mounds . I left that night bound and determined never to see any of those people again.  Except the hostess stalked me like a crazy person and basically demanded that we be friends whether I liked it or not. And that's how Kim became my best friend in the entire world. Because she forced me. ...

I want to live a very boring life.  I want to wake up on Sunday mornings knowing we'll always stop at Starbucks before the morning service and always get there ten minutes before it starts. I want our bills to be paid on time.  I want to go grocery shopping like it's the most fun we'll have all week. I'll grab the chai latte concentrate, you'll grab the package of cookies and wink like you just got away with something big. We'll both stop at the butcher's and pick the meat you'll be grilling on Saturday night. I want to go to baseball games where you'll be excited but not obnoxious and we'll high-five when the grand slam gets hit in our favor. You'll grab a beer and bring me back a Diet Coke and nachos because you know that's gluten free. And you'll stop at one beer because you don't need to get wasted and you need to drive home. And I'll stop at one nacho dish because those things are huge.  I want to walk in the evenings wit...

I got a voicemail the other day from the hospital saying ‘since you’re the contact on record we just want you to know your Dad can get a Covid vaccine.’ I ask my Dad if he wants one and he practically jumps out of his Lay-Z-Boy. (Not an easy task.) ABSOLUTELY he wanted one! So I call the number back, have to complete a 15-minute auto-response survey pressing buttons 1 or 2 before being transferred to an actual human being who sets the appointment. They tell me the Elkhorn and Burlington hospitals are way backed up and he’ll be dead before they can fit him in ; however, there is a new site in Milwaukee at the Advocate Aurora Health Care Center in Walker’s Point like THE. NEXT. DAY! I think to myself, ' huh. Walker’s Point. An hour away – how bad can it be?' and sign him up. I announce he has to wear a t-shirt and bring his ID and face mask and that we're leaving at 8:00 am today to get his Covid vaccine. The man is absolutely giddy with excitement. Until this morning when h...

Our one constant growing up was arguments revolving around excessive alcohol consumption. My father would be the "fun guy" out with his friends after work and during the weekends, then get to that tipping point and head home to finish things off. We experienced the downside. (The part his drinking buddies weren't privy to.) He wasn't the "fun guy" for us. He was critical and angry, annoyed and distracted. He would come home to "fall asleep watching tv" (pass out). In fact, unless he was yelling, there was very little interaction. My father's choice to regularly over-consume meant poor financial decisions that affected us all. My mother had to carry the brunt of responsibility raising us children while working full time and a part time job. (She had to make up for the money being spent at the bars and liquor stores.) Any hope for a sense of self worth was distinguished through his constant criticism. No matter how well we did in any particular a...