Friday, July 1, 2011

Position Wanted: Mansitter

I'm currently accepting applications to find a special friend for Big V. Perhaps we could call the position Mansitter. Because if I don't find someone soon I might explode. Or maybe Big V would explode. Accidentally, I mean. Not like premeditatively. Because that would be very wrong.

But the man doesn't seem to understand that I have a really good book that I am currently obsessed with called The Kitchen House and so I want to read that really good book and not have to entertain him. And by entertain I totally mean look up from the page long enough to acknowledge his presence. Because it is a really good book.

At least the first half of the book is really good and so I expect the second half to be just as exciting because if it's not then I'm totally planning a Eh, it was alright campaign and then no one will ever bother reading that disappointing book and the author would be upset. But maybe not, since all of you probably immediately scrambled to buy the book based solely on my First Half Recommendation and the author could care less if you ever finish it because she's probably booking a cruise around the Greek Islands right now based on her enormous sales revenue, suckas!

Also, I think I would like to go on a cruise around some Greek Islands based solely on the fact that once I ordered Greek pork chops from this little restaurant downtown and they were the bomb! But then the restaurant was all boarded up and closed the next time we went but I don't think it was the pork chop's fault. I'm pretty sure the pork chops carried that restaurant because Big V had ordered spaghetti which was (1) incredibly boring of him and (2) did not taste very good at all. So, I blame the spaghetti.

Anyway, last night I get home with plans to read my book and Dotter is all revved up because she's going camping with friends this weekend and wanted me to pack everything in the car rightnowthisverysecond and Cletus the Used to be Fetus was loud talking about God knows what and was driving me nuts because he says, "Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Mama! Ma!" 4,876 times just like that damn Family Guy dweeb and if you don't know what I'm talking about, allow me to share. Trust me when I say it's not that funny when you live it.

Knowing the book is on the shelf waiting for me to discover its secrets I hurriedly make dinner, pretend to enjoy eating as a family and toss the toddler into bed. Dotter and I tag team the dishes and she asks if it's okay to go watch some movie that's on the Disney channel in the other room and I'm all HELL YES YOU CAN because it's Reading Time for Mama!

I giddily grab my book and snuggle in my cozy chair in the living room while Big V starts scanning channels on the big TV. And I think to myself this is so nice

But then every thirty seconds he's commenting. About nothing.


"Oh, nothing, I was just talking."

I go back to my book.

He starts mumbling again.


"Oh, I was just saying the new Road Rules Challenge is on MTV; they paired up rivals with each other."


I go back to my book. It is so good I can barely contain myself!

He starts mumbling again.


"Oh, I was just wondering if the Brewers were playing Tuesday."

You know, I smile, I think I'll go outside and read. It's cooling down some and that would be really relaxing. (And then I won't end up being spotlighted on Snapped!)

And so my little book and I head out to the front porch and sit. And it has cooled down. And there is a comforting breeze. And it's actually quiet on our usually criminally filled block. And I start to read once again. And it is really, really good.

And I am holding my breath it is that good!

And I can't wait to read what happens next it is that good!

And then the freaking front door opens and Big V pops his cute little head out and asks if I've seen the new iPhone commercial....

So, if you know of anyone who would be interested in entertaining Big V (or just listening to him ramble) while I finish my book, let me know. It's a quick read so I expect with four uninterrupted hours I'll be done. Maybe you could take him to the park. Or a ball game. I'll even pay you in Greek Pork Chops. Thanks.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Sometimes I'm so nice I surprise myself. Actually, no, not really.

Most of you probably assume I'm pretty cold hearted. Which would be mostly right. Because I mostly subscribe to the God gave you arms and legs so you could use them school of thought. This means I say do it yourself a lot.

But then sometimes people actually do stuff by themselves. But I don't like it. Because the way they do it is stupid.

Like when Big V makes macaroni and cheese every single blasted time he makes dinner. What's worse is it's a watered down version. I'm not sure what one actually does to make it watered down because I've made macaroni and cheese a lot and there's no water in the recipe, except what you use when you boil the noodles, so maybe he just has never read the drain noodles portion of the directions.

Anyway, in those cases, when he does things himself I think we'd all be better off if I just handled it myself.

And so I do.

Like, with lunches. Since Big V tends to have champagne taste on a third world public well budget, I've finally taken matters into my own hands and started packing him a healthy, filling daily lunch. More so because otherwise we'd have to take out a mortgage to support his daily eating habits and less so because I actually feel like doing something nice because I am pretty lazy. Also, God gave him arms and legs so he could make his own damn lunch, you know?

You could probably catch me being nice and thoughtful one out of every seven days, therefore, I've devised a system in which I do the majority of the work in one day. A I Pack My Honey's Lunch Because I Love Him So Much System.

And it starts with two of my most favorite things in the entire world: Sharpies and Ziploc bags.

Because who doesn't love Sharpies?

Then I buy a bunch of food that is (1) somewhat healthy and (2) somewhat fun and (3) provides variety. Because I know I wouldn't want to eat the same thing every single day. That would make me want to go out and spend fifteen dollars on a good lunch, you know? Then how would I ever pay off our credit card debt or save up for the kids' orthodontal decorations?

And then I start throwing things in the marked Ziploc bags making sure no two days in a row have the same fruit or the same flavored granola bar. For the chips I always combine two different kinds in a smaller baggie which I put in the daily big bag because that's just what I do.

And I make sure everything is in there (including a fork for the fruit) so that all I have to do is put the completed bags on a shelf in the pantry and wait.... The night before I pull a bag off the shelf and transfer into his lunch box in a most loving fashion.

Then it's time to deal with the sandwich. I feel the sandwich makes or breaks the lunch program so it has got to be good. No wimpy peanut butter on cheapo bread. Splurge for the good bread. It is so worth it.

And also, get good lunch meat. Nothing says my life sucks more than crappy lunch meat. In my case, Big V has very immature taste buds so his favorite bread isn't even very expensive and he actually loves bologna. Winning!

I gather everything I need for his sandwiches and throw them in a giant Ziploc bag to be stored in the fridge.

Everyone knows this is do not even think about touching this or Mom might rip your hands entirely off of your arms territory because I do not have time to go searching through the fridge trying to locate the cheese slices when Real Housewives of New Jersey is about to start.

It needs to be quick. It needs to be ready. It needs to all be located in less than seven seconds from start to finish 'cause I gots things to do, people!

Note I also use the bag of ready lettuce. Because, again, I'm lazy. Don't bother telling me I could get a whole head of lettuce for 27 cents because I know that... I just don't want to deal with that. It's already enough that I'm making his lunch, don't drag it out longer than it has to.

Believe it or not, since I started packing his lunches we've saved about $40 a week. That's $160 a month! (Totally worth the price of pre-torn lettuce.)

In other completely unrelated news, I've got this totally awesome idea to have a meeting at work in slow motion. How cool would that be?

But everyone has to be in on it except for one person because how funny would it be if the entire room started moving and talking in slow motion? Can you imagine the confusion of the person who had no idea what the heck was going on?

Unfortunately I work with a bunch of people who clearly do not share my same sense of humor. Except for the guy work works in the desk across from me because he, too, thinks this is a novel idea, but I'm afraid it just won't have the same effect if only two people slow-mo it.

So then I thought maybe I should try to find a job where I could randomly hold slow motion meetings on unsuspecting innocents, but had nothing. So now I'll probably never see my goal of a Neo Matrix Meeting come into fruition. Thanks for nothing, Monster.