Friday, June 17, 2011

Domestic Goddess Is Not Listed On My Resume. Apparently for very good reason.

The problem with having more and more people I know read blog is that I'm becoming more and more limited with who I can write about. Since I'm surrounded by crazy people I find myself surrounded by tons of blogworthy anecdotes. But then I remember they're crazy in the obviously I'm talking about you; who else do you know on the planet that thinks it's a good idea to wear chaps with nothing under them to work? kind of way. And that means they're pretty recognizable. And so then they'll obviously recognize themselves and know I'm blogging about them. And, again, they're crazy. Which means unstable. And I like living.

So, instead, I'll tell you about how I baked bread.

Or thought it would be a good idea to try to bake bread. Because my kids started going away for visits to their dads' every other weekend and I was actually finding myself lonely and depressed and thinking no one would want me because I was a single mom with two kids from two different fathers and did I really want to risk someone introducing me to their mother as 'a good Jerry Springer candidate I met at the bar'? I think not. So I decided to improve my situation by improving myself. And, to me, that meant I should learn a new hobby.

I first tried to decorate cakes. Except I don't like cake. It's too crumbly and gritty - all those little cake granules bugging my taste buds. I would bake a cake, decorate it and then try to find someone to hand the cake off to. But people think you're crazy when you jump out and shove a lopsided cake with splotchy wannabe flowers piped on it in their face.

Then I tried to embroider a pillowcase. I found a white pillowcase with a light blue design stamped on its edge and thought how quaint would that be if I embroidered those fancy little motifs? But it wasn't quaint at all because my eyes kept crossing and I kept pricking my damn fingers on the stupid needle and I really only knew one stitch anyway so it kind of was a visual letdown.

After two failures I decided what I needed was to get back to the basics. Stay away from all this fancy, frilly stuff. What's more basic than baking bread? People have been doing it successfully for centuries!

I google searched "homemade bread easy I'm just a beginner" and found a recipe that looked like a 4-year old could do it. I eagerly shopped for my ingrediants and got to work. My plan was to mix the dough. Wash laundry and clean the house while it was rising. Enjoy the whole punch it down factor (which honestly seemed like the only fun part about making bread) and let it rise again before baking. I was intent on following the recipe to a T and promised not to get impatient.

But the sucker wouldn't rise.

At all.

In fact, it wouldn't even budge.

All day long I waited. And fumed. My house was spotless, but there would be no freshly baked bread to enjoy. I finally got so mad that around eleven o'clock that night I threw the sticky mess into the garbage can, slammed the lid, and chalked it up to yet another domestic failure.

And in the morning, when I went to throw the wrapper of my morning pop-tart away, I saw the dough had risen to consume the entire 13 gallon trash can. And yes, I actually did consider pulling it out and baking it. But I didn't. Because I have boundaries in blogging and in bread.


Becca said...

OMG that is awesome. Not the good kind of awesome. But what a great story.

My mom gave me a bread machine for Christmas one year. I accidentally started a fire in it. I can make bread making difficult EVEN IN THE BREAD MACHINE.

Johi said...

The more that I read your blog, the more I think that we should live in the same town. That is all.

Tina, said...

ROFLOL! That is soo funny.
Only in my house, Husband would be the one throwing the dough away with me warning him, "Don't leave it in the trash like that". Only to find that same mess for ME to clean up the next day.


Muddy Road said...

This is a fantastic piece. I enjoy your narrative style, and the contrast of emotional volume between the conclusion and the rest of the piece is excellent! Thanks for this!

anymommy said...

Oh, such a great post and I know this frustration well. I make challah for Passover every year and the first year I called my mom in tears because four hours later it wouldn't rise.

The secret is silly - it likes to be warm and wet. Set your oven to 100 degrees, flick a little water on the dough, put it in the oven under a towel and VIOLA! Speeded up rising process.