Skip to main content

Your Un-American Ways Shouldn't Make Me A Murderer. Just sayin'.

Big V always leaves the microwave door open just a crack.

I have no idea why.

I've asked.

He has no idea why. At one point he tried to reason, "That way it's ready for when you want to put your food in."

Except then I pointed out that you still had to use one hand to swing the door all the way open since it is not left open wide enough to squeeze a whole plate through so it's technically not ready at all. I also pointed out that it drives me absolutely crazy to walk into the kitchen and see the door to the microwave open just a crack like someone wasn't strong enough to shut the dang thing.

Then he pointed out that it doesn't seem to bother anyone except me and he's pretty sure there are other families across America who leave their microwave doors open and perhaps I'm just un-American.

And I took those to be fighting words because I am most certainly not un-American. I joined the Army, remember? And then I pointed out how he has never served in the military so maybe he's the un-American one in this relationship and then he asked me if I remembered whether or not to pay Lawnmower Timmy which had nothing at all to do with the fact he un-American-ly leaves the microwave door open so I scowled at him. And he is getting really good at masking his fear because it seemed like he didn't even notice.

So, I decided to take the high road. Now every time I walk into the kitchen and see the microwave door open a crack I sigh in an obnoxiously loud and exaggerated fashion, walk over, snap the door shut and then shake my head slowly as if to say why must my life partner hate his country so much?

As if things couldn't get worse, last night the door was open again. Someone is obviously not very skilled at picking up non-verbal hints, are they? But since no one was home to sigh-snap-shake to, I simply grabbed a frozen burrito, tossed in on a plate and nuked that sucker for 2 minutes and 22 seconds.

And then I removed my plate with the wonderfully cooked burrito on it that I was actually looking forward to eating and had to BRUSH OFF A DEAD SPIDER that I apparently murdered after it had wandered innocently into the microwave. I was left with an empty stomach and a guilty conscious. And a scowl.

Comments

Libby said…
http://youtu.be/6ObrFwjesno

noah ALWAYS leaves the kitchen cabinets open
Tina, said…
My family shuts the microwave door, however there is not one time in their lives that they have been able to shut the door with out slamming it. Doesn't matter what time of day or night, four in the morning, 2 in the morning, 12 at night...SLAM! Micorwave doors have this distinct noise to being shut and it will wake the dead!

scroat
Johi said…
It must be the week for our spouses to be irritating. Maybe it is some kind of a lunar cycle?
Nuked spiders are like... my favorite.
Becca said…
ARGH. Open cabinet doors are my pet peeve!

One time my mom came home to find hundreds of ants all over a tupperware of brownies that was in our microwave (I still hide snacks in the microwave). She turned it on for ten minutes and fried all the ants AND melted the bottom out of the tupperware.
Getrealmommy said…
might just be grounds for divorce...
Brenna said…
Doesn't the light stay on when the microwave door is open? Mine does. My husband would kill me based on the electrical waste.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…