Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Sometimes I'm so nice I surprise myself. Actually, no, not really.

Most of you probably assume I'm pretty cold hearted. Which would be mostly right. Because I mostly subscribe to the God gave you arms and legs so you could use them school of thought. This means I say do it yourself a lot.

But then sometimes people actually do stuff by themselves. But I don't like it. Because the way they do it is stupid.

Like when Big V makes macaroni and cheese every single blasted time he makes dinner. What's worse is it's a watered down version. I'm not sure what one actually does to make it watered down because I've made macaroni and cheese a lot and there's no water in the recipe, except what you use when you boil the noodles, so maybe he just has never read the drain noodles portion of the directions.

Anyway, in those cases, when he does things himself I think we'd all be better off if I just handled it myself.

And so I do.

Like, with lunches. Since Big V tends to have champagne taste on a third world public well budget, I've finally taken matters into my own hands and started packing him a healthy, filling daily lunch. More so because otherwise we'd have to take out a mortgage to support his daily eating habits and less so because I actually feel like doing something nice because I am pretty lazy. Also, God gave him arms and legs so he could make his own damn lunch, you know?

You could probably catch me being nice and thoughtful one out of every seven days, therefore, I've devised a system in which I do the majority of the work in one day. A I Pack My Honey's Lunch Because I Love Him So Much System.

And it starts with two of my most favorite things in the entire world: Sharpies and Ziploc bags.

Because who doesn't love Sharpies?

Then I buy a bunch of food that is (1) somewhat healthy and (2) somewhat fun and (3) provides variety. Because I know I wouldn't want to eat the same thing every single day. That would make me want to go out and spend fifteen dollars on a good lunch, you know? Then how would I ever pay off our credit card debt or save up for the kids' orthodontal decorations?

And then I start throwing things in the marked Ziploc bags making sure no two days in a row have the same fruit or the same flavored granola bar. For the chips I always combine two different kinds in a smaller baggie which I put in the daily big bag because that's just what I do.

And I make sure everything is in there (including a fork for the fruit) so that all I have to do is put the completed bags on a shelf in the pantry and wait.... The night before I pull a bag off the shelf and transfer into his lunch box in a most loving fashion.

Then it's time to deal with the sandwich. I feel the sandwich makes or breaks the lunch program so it has got to be good. No wimpy peanut butter on cheapo bread. Splurge for the good bread. It is so worth it.

And also, get good lunch meat. Nothing says my life sucks more than crappy lunch meat. In my case, Big V has very immature taste buds so his favorite bread isn't even very expensive and he actually loves bologna. Winning!

I gather everything I need for his sandwiches and throw them in a giant Ziploc bag to be stored in the fridge.

Everyone knows this is do not even think about touching this or Mom might rip your hands entirely off of your arms territory because I do not have time to go searching through the fridge trying to locate the cheese slices when Real Housewives of New Jersey is about to start.

It needs to be quick. It needs to be ready. It needs to all be located in less than seven seconds from start to finish 'cause I gots things to do, people!

Note I also use the bag of ready lettuce. Because, again, I'm lazy. Don't bother telling me I could get a whole head of lettuce for 27 cents because I know that... I just don't want to deal with that. It's already enough that I'm making his lunch, don't drag it out longer than it has to.

Believe it or not, since I started packing his lunches we've saved about $40 a week. That's $160 a month! (Totally worth the price of pre-torn lettuce.)

In other completely unrelated news, I've got this totally awesome idea to have a meeting at work in slow motion. How cool would that be?

But everyone has to be in on it except for one person because how funny would it be if the entire room started moving and talking in slow motion? Can you imagine the confusion of the person who had no idea what the heck was going on?

Unfortunately I work with a bunch of people who clearly do not share my same sense of humor. Except for the guy work works in the desk across from me because he, too, thinks this is a novel idea, but I'm afraid it just won't have the same effect if only two people slow-mo it.

So then I thought maybe I should try to find a job where I could randomly hold slow motion meetings on unsuspecting innocents, but had nothing. So now I'll probably never see my goal of a Neo Matrix Meeting come into fruition. Thanks for nothing, Monster.


Getrealmommy said...

We could totally be friends. I didn't realize you like the Real Housewives. It makes me like you more.
Did you know that growing up one of my best friends parents would punish her by making her eat cheap lunch meat on white bread? We must be middle class. :)

Johi said...

I would totally participate in slow motion meetings with you.
Big V is a lucky man. I don't make lunch for Brock. I say "JUST DON'T EAT! That will save us money! Muahahaha!". I don't actually say that, but I don't pack him a lunch.

letmestartbysaying said...

All those well-labeled baggies are giving me heart palpitations of joy. I need to lay down now. And plan my summer snack shopping list.

Becca said...

This is genius. I think I need to start making Ryan's lunch because the poor guy only eats PB&J, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And I'd do the slow-mo meeting too. Those other people are lame.

Brenna said...

Oh you're good. And the slow motion office flash mob idea is the bomb. The kids are still saying "the bomb" aren't they?