Skip to main content

Sometimes I'm so nice I surprise myself. Actually, no, not really.

Most of you probably assume I'm pretty cold hearted. Which would be mostly right. Because I mostly subscribe to the God gave you arms and legs so you could use them school of thought. This means I say do it yourself a lot.

But then sometimes people actually do stuff by themselves. But I don't like it. Because the way they do it is stupid.

Like when Big V makes macaroni and cheese every single blasted time he makes dinner. What's worse is it's a watered down version. I'm not sure what one actually does to make it watered down because I've made macaroni and cheese a lot and there's no water in the recipe, except what you use when you boil the noodles, so maybe he just has never read the drain noodles portion of the directions.

Anyway, in those cases, when he does things himself I think we'd all be better off if I just handled it myself.

And so I do.

Like, with lunches. Since Big V tends to have champagne taste on a third world public well budget, I've finally taken matters into my own hands and started packing him a healthy, filling daily lunch. More so because otherwise we'd have to take out a mortgage to support his daily eating habits and less so because I actually feel like doing something nice because I am pretty lazy. Also, God gave him arms and legs so he could make his own damn lunch, you know?

You could probably catch me being nice and thoughtful one out of every seven days, therefore, I've devised a system in which I do the majority of the work in one day. A I Pack My Honey's Lunch Because I Love Him So Much System.

And it starts with two of my most favorite things in the entire world: Sharpies and Ziploc bags.


Because who doesn't love Sharpies?

Then I buy a bunch of food that is (1) somewhat healthy and (2) somewhat fun and (3) provides variety. Because I know I wouldn't want to eat the same thing every single day. That would make me want to go out and spend fifteen dollars on a good lunch, you know? Then how would I ever pay off our credit card debt or save up for the kids' orthodontal decorations?



And then I start throwing things in the marked Ziploc bags making sure no two days in a row have the same fruit or the same flavored granola bar. For the chips I always combine two different kinds in a smaller baggie which I put in the daily big bag because that's just what I do.

And I make sure everything is in there (including a fork for the fruit) so that all I have to do is put the completed bags on a shelf in the pantry and wait.... The night before I pull a bag off the shelf and transfer into his lunch box in a most loving fashion.

Then it's time to deal with the sandwich. I feel the sandwich makes or breaks the lunch program so it has got to be good. No wimpy peanut butter on cheapo bread. Splurge for the good bread. It is so worth it.

And also, get good lunch meat. Nothing says my life sucks more than crappy lunch meat. In my case, Big V has very immature taste buds so his favorite bread isn't even very expensive and he actually loves bologna. Winning!


I gather everything I need for his sandwiches and throw them in a giant Ziploc bag to be stored in the fridge.

Everyone knows this is do not even think about touching this or Mom might rip your hands entirely off of your arms territory because I do not have time to go searching through the fridge trying to locate the cheese slices when Real Housewives of New Jersey is about to start.

It needs to be quick. It needs to be ready. It needs to all be located in less than seven seconds from start to finish 'cause I gots things to do, people!


Note I also use the bag of ready lettuce. Because, again, I'm lazy. Don't bother telling me I could get a whole head of lettuce for 27 cents because I know that... I just don't want to deal with that. It's already enough that I'm making his lunch, don't drag it out longer than it has to.

Believe it or not, since I started packing his lunches we've saved about $40 a week. That's $160 a month! (Totally worth the price of pre-torn lettuce.)

In other completely unrelated news, I've got this totally awesome idea to have a meeting at work in slow motion. How cool would that be?

But everyone has to be in on it except for one person because how funny would it be if the entire room started moving and talking in slow motion? Can you imagine the confusion of the person who had no idea what the heck was going on?

Unfortunately I work with a bunch of people who clearly do not share my same sense of humor. Except for the guy work works in the desk across from me because he, too, thinks this is a novel idea, but I'm afraid it just won't have the same effect if only two people slow-mo it.

So then I thought maybe I should try to find a job where I could randomly hold slow motion meetings on unsuspecting innocents, but Monster.com had nothing. So now I'll probably never see my goal of a Neo Matrix Meeting come into fruition. Thanks for nothing, Monster.

Comments

Getrealmommy said…
We could totally be friends. I didn't realize you like the Real Housewives. It makes me like you more.
Did you know that growing up one of my best friends parents would punish her by making her eat cheap lunch meat on white bread? We must be middle class. :)
Johi said…
I would totally participate in slow motion meetings with you.
Big V is a lucky man. I don't make lunch for Brock. I say "JUST DON'T EAT! That will save us money! Muahahaha!". I don't actually say that, but I don't pack him a lunch.
Anonymous said…
All those well-labeled baggies are giving me heart palpitations of joy. I need to lay down now. And plan my summer snack shopping list.
Becca said…
This is genius. I think I need to start making Ryan's lunch because the poor guy only eats PB&J, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And I'd do the slow-mo meeting too. Those other people are lame.
Brenna said…
Oh you're good. And the slow motion office flash mob idea is the bomb. The kids are still saying "the bomb" aren't they?

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…