Tweet So, Bristol Palin gets knocked up and now makes $260,000 a year speaking out against teen pregnancies. Who do I need to contact to let them know I'm willing to speak out against teen pregnancies and on some days I'd also talk out against most teens.
Because I bet Bristol doesn't mention the hemmorhoids. Look, after three kids spaced 14 years apart I think I've pretty much covered it all, starting with "young, single mom with no insurance and no decent place to live."
But that's actually the easy part. The finding a place to live, figuring out you'll have to sell your Depeche Mode collection to subsidize the blood work, and yes, your body will actually bounce back pretty easy. Trust me. Try having a baby in a nearly 40-year old body. It won't bounce back; it'll just jiggle. A lot.
The hard part isn't the pregnancy. Not with the cute maternity clothes and the super cute baby outfits you'll get at your shower that your BFF's throw you third period right before Algebra. No, that part is all easy.
In fact, the labor won't even be the worst part. (Well, except for that whole "It's burning! It's burning! Save me! I'm going to rip in half" sensation the Ring of Fire provides. That's pretty hellish.)
And afterwards, everyone will gather around and take pictures and ooh! and ahh! and tell you how beautiful your baby is and you will feel pretty dang special.
But then they start to grow:
Seriously? A whole jar of vaseline smeared all over the television screen? Really?
Uh, no, I actually didn't tell her ahead of time she shouldn't cut off her eyelashes because I didn't think that was an actual probability. Now I know.
What on earth made you think a ketchup and mustard war inside my bedroom would be a good idea?
No, you are not allowed to bring the chickens into the house regardless of how scared they seemed.
Oh, trust me... the pregnancy is nothing, Bristol.