Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I could out-talk Bristol Palin for half the cash.

So, Bristol Palin gets knocked up and now makes $260,000 a year speaking out against teen pregnancies. Who do I need to contact to let them know I'm willing to speak out against teen pregnancies and on some days I'd also talk out against most teens.

Because I bet Bristol doesn't mention the hemmorhoids. Look, after three kids spaced 14 years apart I think I've pretty much covered it all, starting with "young, single mom with no insurance and no decent place to live." 

But that's actually the easy part. The finding a place to live, figuring out you'll have to sell your Depeche Mode collection to subsidize the blood work, and yes, your body will actually bounce back pretty easy. Trust me. Try having a baby in a nearly 40-year old body. It won't bounce back; it'll just jiggle. A lot.

The hard part isn't the pregnancy. Not with the cute maternity clothes and the super cute baby outfits you'll get at your shower that your BFF's throw you third period right before Algebra. No, that part is all easy.

In fact, the labor won't even be the worst part. (Well, except for that whole "It's burning! It's burning! Save me! I'm going to rip in half" sensation the Ring of Fire provides. That's pretty hellish.)

And afterwards, everyone will gather around and take pictures and ooh! and ahh! and tell you how beautiful your baby is and you will feel pretty dang special.

But then they start to grow:

Seriously? A whole jar of vaseline smeared all over the television screen? Really?

Uh, no, I actually didn't tell her ahead of time she shouldn't cut off her eyelashes because I didn't think that was an actual probability. Now I know.

What on earth made you think a ketchup and mustard war inside my bedroom would be a good idea?

No, you are not allowed to bring the chickens into the house regardless of how scared they seemed.


Oh, trust me... the pregnancy is nothing, Bristol. 

4 comments:

Johi said...

"Uh, no, I actually didn't tell her ahead of time she shouldn't cut off her eyelashes because I didn't think that was an actual probability. Now I know"- blahaha! I'm off to talk to Thing 1 about eyelashes!

HeatherB said...

I heard that most of her
"talks" involve abstinence. Well, duh, the main thing that you are gonna want to do after you have a kid is abstain (and I desperately hope that Z waits), but the reality is that some kids just won't get it until they have to get out of bed at 3 in the morning because somebody puked in their hair.

I promise you that if she comes out on the stage looking all made up and stylish, those kids will think it must be a piece of cake. Let her come out with spoiled milk stains all over her WALMART shirt from 3 years ago and hair that she forgot to comb this morning, and maybe they'll pay attention.

Or, Hell, don't pay her to be there, because then it just looks like you get knocked up and started making the big bucks.

Tina, said...

I love the eyelash situation! too funny.

Getrealmommy said...

I would way rather see your talk then Bristol's!