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Showing posts from February 20, 2011

Welcome to my neighborhood: where the police are plenty and the drug paraphernalia abounds!

Before I knew Big V existed on this planet he bought a house. This is the house I, along with my two girls, moved in to. After I met him, I mean. It's not like I just picked up my kids and made my way into some stranger's house, I mean, I was invited.
Anyway, Big V had been living with his parents and partaking in the whole I'll-live-in-your-basement-and-never-pay-you-rent-while-you-ignore-the-girl-sleeping-in-my-bed way of life when something snapped and he decided to buy a house. He probably figured it would be easier to keep girls in his bed without his mom walking in, so, two weeks later he bought the house.

He got a really great deal. Perhaps because of the house fire and the fact the homeowners did most the work themselves so they didn't need a lot of money from the sale to pay off pesky remodel bills. Or, perhaps because the police had incarcerated most of the previous tenants during a SWAT raid. (Less people to have to share the profits with.) Needless to say…

Has any woman actually died from being a woman? Because it might be me.

I'm almost positive I've told you before that growing up I thought menstrual cramps was a big load of BS meant only to save weak, lazy high school girls from participating in gym class. My monthly torture lasted maybe 24 hours so I just didn't get it.

Then God spoke to me saying, "Stop being so judgmental!"

And I was all, "oh, puh-LEASE! She just wants attention."

Then God spoke further saying, "Just wait until I put you in your place, young lady."

Fast forward three kids and twenty years later and ohdeargodinheaven can I actually overdose on Midol? Because I'm thinking that's where this is headed. And guess what? I asked my Mom if she'd write a note excusing me from parenting today and she said no.

God wins.

** Sorry to the two male readers I have. Or used to have before they read this post. Come back in a few days and I'll be normal again. I promise. Well, not normal in the average societal definition of the word, but normal…

The Riot on the Bayou: MTV's way of letting me know I'm actually a pretty good parent.

Last night I accidently lost brain cells by getting sucked in to a show on MTV called "The Riot on the Bayou: My mother hates my boyfriend." The reality show followed the lives of Mama Tiff and Daddy Cain and their 4 children: Clint (19), Kathleen (18), April (17, and also the narrator of the episode) and Colette (16). They live in the bayou where it's legal to drink alcohol underage as long as you have your Mama's consent which means basically that all these kids were drunk the entire time.

Clint aspires to be a bull rider - he stayed up 2 seconds before he busted up his arm.

Clint: (several hours later) Why's it all green like that?
Mama: That's what happens when bones get broke. (walks out of room to refill beer)

Kathleen is pretty and all the guys like her. She used to date Nick but he was mean and treated her like crap and cheated on her so they broke up. Then they got back together after he saw her shaking her groove thang on stage at a local concert…

Fiscal Responsiblity Prohibits Cool Vacuum Purchases

Obviously, you people don't know me because if you did you would know I'm not rich and therefore cannot afford a Dyson vacuum system and will be sweeping up the tumblehairs that amass throughout our house with the old fashioned straw broom I swiped from the janitor's closet at work. Just kidding. I didn't swipe anything from the janitor's closet at work because that would be stealing from the comppany and then I'd be fired and I need the health insurance so you might want to think twice about snagging those post-it notes on your way out. And also they don't even have old, twiggy brooms in there - they only have cool stuff. Trust me on this.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you'll have to pause for a second and read all about how vacuum cleaners hate me then you can come back and I'll tell you about how I posted that particular blog link to my facebook page and everyone was all you've just got to get yourself a Dyson! and now I…