Skip to main content

I'd wrap my feet in toilet paper but that just looks dumb.

Let me get right to the point: there is no way I'm going to be able to afford socks if I can't figure out a way to save money on toilet paper.

I pulled into the gas station this morning to fill my tank. Gas today was $3.36 a gallon. $3.36 a gallon! Which makes me feel curmudgeonly complaining about it but you should know when I started driving it was something like 16 cents a gallon. Sixteen cents!

Believe it or not, I don't like feeling curmudgeonly even though most people assume I do because of the perpetual crease in my forehead but it's not me glaring at you, I swear - I just can't hear or see very well and I have to focus really hard on what's going on, resulting in the aforementioned Glare Creases. And plus my mind is always wandering so I have to really, really focus on what people are saying which causes the Glare Creases to deepen and make me look really pissed off. But I'm not, I swear. Well, sometimes I actually am really pissed off but the good news is you'll never know it because you'll just assume I can't see or hear or concentrate.

Anyway, I'm not very wealthy and I'd rather buy Starbucks and books and fantastic socks with my weekly pittance rather than spend it all on boring stuff like gas for my car. The higher the price of gas goes the less socks I get to buy. See my conundrum? [note: this is the first time I've ever actually used conundrum in a sentence. I wouldn't normally use it, but I'm kind of diggin' it, you know? Perhaps I'll work it into an actual conversation with an unsuspecting bystander.]

No socks for me makes me very unhappy, because Big V screwed up the thermostat and now we can't figure out how to adjust the temperature. It's been a steady 67 degrees in our house for weeks. I even jacked it all the way up to 85 - and nothing. My point: 67 is too cold for my toes. It just is.

Thus the socks.

In order to buy the socks needed to warm my toes we're going to have to cut costs elsewhere and I'm voting for drastically cutting the amount of toilet paper we use. This might surprise you considering I'm a girl and you're probably all aren't you going to need that toilet paper on a pretty regular basis? Especially considering you haven't figured out the whole bidet thing yet?

But luckily (or not), when I was 8, my aunt and uncle were watching my siblings and I for the summer while my mom worked and my uncle called us all into the bathroom and imposed a 3-square maximum which I have adhered to for the majority of my life (mostly because he scared the snot out of me and every time I see toilet paper my PTSD kicks in). It's only been in the last couple years where I've allowed myself to up it to six squares. My girls are also minimum users (probably only due to the fact that's what they saw growing up and they know no better).

Bet you're wondering why I think cutting back on toilet paper is the answer when we hardly use any, right?

Well, that's because Big V all by himself requires half a roll at every sitting and he's a pretty regular guy, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure why so much is needed at one time, I mean, I've been accomplishing the same task for years and it's not like I've ever come out needing a fire hose spray down because I wasn't able to wrap my entire fist with a roll of toilet tissue. Besides, even if something icky did manage to find its way to his flesh couldn't he just wash it off? (I'm probably overthinking things. Don't worry; I won't even get into the whole why on earth does the roll need to come physically off the toilet paper roller when you are winding it around your hand? And if you can take the roll off the toilet paper roller, why is it wrong for me to assume you can figure out how to out it back *on* the toilet paper roller? And if you simply aren't created in such a way as to put the toilet paper back onto the roller, how come you have to leave it up by the sink where you splash water all over it when you're washing your hands? Because it never, ever dries by the time I need to use it and that just feels gross.)

So. I am thinking if he cuts down on the toilet paper I will be able to save a few dollars each week in butt wipe supplies and be able to purchase the socks I need to keep my feet warm.

Either that or he could just fix the damn thermostat.


Brenna said…
Poo habits are a big part of successful cohabitation. I for one don't understand why it takes anyone more than 3 minutes to finish the job. I mean if you're in there that long, maybe you weren't really ready's all I'm saying.
FabBecky said…
I swear Big V and J are the SAME MAN! I have the same toilet paper issues at my house. And the cold, except I am the one that sets the thermostat at 63 - yes 6-3. Oil for our furnace is expensive, and sweaters and slippers are cheap!

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

So, WILL an M&M melt in your nose?

This weekend was one of the busiest social dates of the summer. The options seemed endless: a lobster boil, a fireman's dance, and a little something called Moos & Blues which you just have to experience to believe. (Small town farmers hosting one of the biggest events of the season: pig roast, live music and an unbelievable fireworks display that ranks up there with the best of 'em.) However, I was home with Dotter (9) and Cletus (1.5) and two extra kids (aged 3 and 1).

Big V, being the stellar support system that he is, bailed on me to attend an obligatory graduation party.

So it was me (clearly outnumbered) who stayed with the children for the day.

And it was a very long day.

Eight hours later I had managed to put two of the kids to bed and the other was quietly watching a movie. (Dotter had locked herself in my bedroom hours earlier to get away from everyone. Meaning me. Because I kept asking her to help bring me a diaper. Help fill up that sippy cup. Help take that…