Monday, February 28, 2011

I'd wrap my feet in toilet paper but that just looks dumb.

Let me get right to the point: there is no way I'm going to be able to afford socks if I can't figure out a way to save money on toilet paper.

I pulled into the gas station this morning to fill my tank. Gas today was $3.36 a gallon. $3.36 a gallon! Which makes me feel curmudgeonly complaining about it but you should know when I started driving it was something like 16 cents a gallon. Sixteen cents!

Believe it or not, I don't like feeling curmudgeonly even though most people assume I do because of the perpetual crease in my forehead but it's not me glaring at you, I swear - I just can't hear or see very well and I have to focus really hard on what's going on, resulting in the aforementioned Glare Creases. And plus my mind is always wandering so I have to really, really focus on what people are saying which causes the Glare Creases to deepen and make me look really pissed off. But I'm not, I swear. Well, sometimes I actually am really pissed off but the good news is you'll never know it because you'll just assume I can't see or hear or concentrate.

Anyway, I'm not very wealthy and I'd rather buy Starbucks and books and fantastic socks with my weekly pittance rather than spend it all on boring stuff like gas for my car. The higher the price of gas goes the less socks I get to buy. See my conundrum? [note: this is the first time I've ever actually used conundrum in a sentence. I wouldn't normally use it, but I'm kind of diggin' it, you know? Perhaps I'll work it into an actual conversation with an unsuspecting bystander.]

No socks for me makes me very unhappy, because Big V screwed up the thermostat and now we can't figure out how to adjust the temperature. It's been a steady 67 degrees in our house for weeks. I even jacked it all the way up to 85 - and nothing. My point: 67 is too cold for my toes. It just is.

Thus the socks.

In order to buy the socks needed to warm my toes we're going to have to cut costs elsewhere and I'm voting for drastically cutting the amount of toilet paper we use. This might surprise you considering I'm a girl and you're probably all aren't you going to need that toilet paper on a pretty regular basis? Especially considering you haven't figured out the whole bidet thing yet?

But luckily (or not), when I was 8, my aunt and uncle were watching my siblings and I for the summer while my mom worked and my uncle called us all into the bathroom and imposed a 3-square maximum which I have adhered to for the majority of my life (mostly because he scared the snot out of me and every time I see toilet paper my PTSD kicks in). It's only been in the last couple years where I've allowed myself to up it to six squares. My girls are also minimum users (probably only due to the fact that's what they saw growing up and they know no better).

Bet you're wondering why I think cutting back on toilet paper is the answer when we hardly use any, right?

Well, that's because Big V all by himself requires half a roll at every sitting and he's a pretty regular guy, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure why so much is needed at one time, I mean, I've been accomplishing the same task for years and it's not like I've ever come out needing a fire hose spray down because I wasn't able to wrap my entire fist with a roll of toilet tissue. Besides, even if something icky did manage to find its way to his flesh couldn't he just wash it off? (I'm probably overthinking things. Don't worry; I won't even get into the whole why on earth does the roll need to come physically off the toilet paper roller when you are winding it around your hand? And if you can take the roll off the toilet paper roller, why is it wrong for me to assume you can figure out how to out it back *on* the toilet paper roller? And if you simply aren't created in such a way as to put the toilet paper back onto the roller, how come you have to leave it up by the sink where you splash water all over it when you're washing your hands? Because it never, ever dries by the time I need to use it and that just feels gross.)

So. I am thinking if he cuts down on the toilet paper I will be able to save a few dollars each week in butt wipe supplies and be able to purchase the socks I need to keep my feet warm.

Either that or he could just fix the damn thermostat.


Brenna said...

Poo habits are a big part of successful cohabitation. I for one don't understand why it takes anyone more than 3 minutes to finish the job. I mean if you're in there that long, maybe you weren't really ready's all I'm saying.

FabBecky said...

I swear Big V and J are the SAME MAN! I have the same toilet paper issues at my house. And the cold, except I am the one that sets the thermostat at 63 - yes 6-3. Oil for our furnace is expensive, and sweaters and slippers are cheap!