Tweet The Bean stepped on a piece of glass at the Sadie Hawkins Dance this past Saturday. It was right at the end of the dance when her feet had been completely blackened by the barefoot dancing she had partaken in. Partook. Whatever. She was dancing barefoot. Her feet were filthy. When it was time to go so she stood up and went "AGGGHHHH! MY FOOT!" and quickly sat back down to examine her foot. One of the chaperone's walked by and said, "It's time to go!" and she said, "oh my god! oh my god! My foot is bleeding! I think I stepped on a piece of glass!" and the chaperone looked at her and yelled, "IT'S TIME TO GO!" so she hobbled out of the dance with a dirty foot dripping blood.
At home we washed her foot with warm, soapy water, and then attacked the hell out of it with a tweezers. We must not have done a good job because I got a call from the school Monday morning telling me there was still a piece of glass in it and it's green. I suggested the school nurse pluck it out with her tweezers but I was informed she can't touch the foot nor pick the remaining shard of glass out of the foot because she's not authorized to conduct medical procedures. This is good to know because I had that school nurse on speed dial for my upcoming liver transplant and open heart surgery.
The school suggested taking the Bean to the Emergency Room which costs me $60 for the co-pay. However, an actual office visit has no co-pay; I pay nothing and my awesome insurance covers it all. I'm cheap so I opted for the office visit.
First, I called Dr. N. Out today. Sorry.
Then I called Dr. P. No appointments available today. Absolutely booked.
Then I called Dr. Q who scheduled an appointment for 2:30pm. Yeah!
Then I called my mom and said, "Mom, I'm at work and I know you're already watching the baby for me and also you're busy feeding sheep for my brother with the bad back and also you have to be at home to sign for the FedEx delivery that they won't leave without an adult signature and also you have to pick up my 9-yr old at 3:15pm from school, but hey, how about picking up the Bean at 2:00pm from her school and then driving her twenty minutes to the doctor and I'll meet you there since I'll be coming from the opposite direction so she can get glass removed from her foot?" And she said that would be fine because obviously she does not have enough to keep her busy during the day.
And then I forgot about it.
Until I received a phone call an hour later from Dr. Q's office telling me they have to cancel the appointment because the system shows the Bean has already been established with Dr. G and I said, "who the hell is Dr. G?" and then they reminded me that over a year ago she had gone to Dr. H for something kinda wonky and Dr. H was all, "This is kinda wonky... you should go see Dr. G." and so we did and Dr. G basically said, "this is kinda wonky. Let's just watch it and see if it gets even more wonky."
So, after the appointment with Dr. Q was cancelled, I called Dr. G and asked for an appointment and they were all, "why the hell are you calling us?" and I was all, "because she's established" and they were all, "do you even know what that means?"
So I was directed back to Dr. H, the doctor that told us to go to Dr. G in the first place, but the Scheduling Nazi informed me that her computer screen said the Bean was already established with Dr. G and she "didn't want to get in the middle of it." She switched me to Dr. H's nurse as soon as I started sobbing.
The conversation went kind of like this:
Hello. I'm a very nice nurse with years of experience and would love to assist you on this beautiful day.
Look lady, I'm actually going to have a nervous breakdown in less than twenty seven seconds because no one in the flipping medical world will take a shard of glass out of my daughter's foot and gangrene has probably already set it and it'll probably need to get amputated before I can figure out who her flipping doctor is and I'd just go ahead do it myself but I don't think my flipping hacksaw would be very effective.
It sounds like someone has a case of the grumblies. Let's just pull up your daughter's chart, okay?.... Oh, it shows her that she's already established with Dr. G....
Yeah, about that... I don't even know what established means and we only saw that doctor one time because Dr. H told us we had to and she wasn't even that nice and also her nurse shushed us when we sitting in the exam room waiting to be seen because we were laughing about the time the Bean was getting a wart removed and it hurt and she was reading the medical literature in the room to take her mind off of it and was all "Gentle warts? I want a gentle wart!" because she couldn't really read very well and had no idea it was a pamphlet about genital warts so I don't think they even like us and to be honest, I don't think they even want us to be established.
I see that you only saw Dr. G once and that was at the direction of a very likeable, competent physician. I think someone made an oopsy-daisy and accidently changed it in the system. How about I set up an appointment first thing tomorrow morning with Dr. H?
So now, even though I'm incredibly annoyed, I can't be, because that nurse was so incredibly nice. Like abnormally nice. And you can't hate someone who is abnormally nice. It's like hating the Easter Bunny for being bouncy and delivering baskets of jelly beans and those oozing fake-yolked Cadbury Eggs. It would not paint me in a good light at all. I'll say this, though - there better be one huge hunk of glass in that kid's foot to make all this worthwhile.
UPDATE: The Bean had a huge piece of glass removed from her heel this morning. Dr. H referred to it as "a lot of fun" and "just like treasure hunting." It took twenty minutes of careful digging. Then, just as the doctor held up this long piece of clear glass to admire it, she dropped it on the floor of the exam room. The doctor, the assisting nurse and I all started crawling around on our hands and knees in an attempt to find it and show the Bean. (It was REALLY long!) We finally gave up, they flushed the puncture wound, cleaned her up and sent us on our way.... then they closed the exam room until housekeeping could get in there to (hopefully) mop up the piece of glass before anyone else stepped on it.