Skip to main content

Move over, bed hog.

Big V's most prized possession is his California King Bed. Except it's not a California King, it's just a regular king, and no amount of fitted sheets can convince him otherwise. In typical male fashion (yes, I just said that) he wholeheartedly believes 'bigger is better' - never mind the fact when you squeeze that big of a bed in our smaller sized bedroom we end up totally rocking the Fat Man in a Little Coat Decor, which happens not to allow for end tables.

Some people would believe a king bed would make us happy, but it doesn't. There's actually too much room:
I wouldn't mind so much... I remember having to share a bed with my sister when we were little, but Big V doesn't get the whole "making sparks with the socks on our feet" thing that makes sharing a bed fun. He keeps thinking it's code for something else. It's not. I tried to teach him: hold the sheets and run, kind of like the sheets are the pavement - and soon you'll see sparks. But he sucks at making sparks. Well, those kind of sparks. Instead he tries something like this:

And I get all what the hell, buddy? We've got 76" here and a baby who wakes up forty-seven times a night. I want to sleep. As in close my eyes and slumber. Let's try it, shall we?

Some nights, after being shoved halfway off the bed, I actually walk over and enter the unused portion. But he's like a dog sniffing out bacon and within minutes he'll turn over and start moving towards me. (Note to self: quit wearing bacon perfume to bed.) Eventually I get tossed off that side, too.

Then there are the nights of the snoring. Which has been happening quite a lot lately. I usually just poke him.

What?!

You were snoring.

Well you have to turn it out more.

Turn what out more?

My clothes.

He's like Sleep Talkin' Man but without the accent. Or the humor.

Anyway, I'm thinking I need some sleep before I drift off in the office bathroom and can't be found for an hour or two because I really have issues with that floor. And I'm thinking my boss will really have issues with that nap. Perhaps I should trade out the king with a twin; same amount of sleeping space but at least the room will look bigger! (Look at me; it's like I'm trying to be positive.)

Still no sleep... but check out the new end tables.


Comments

I've only slept in a king bed a few times, and there is too much room! I just don't know where to put myself. Lying horizontally didn't help, either. Then again, lying is never the answer.
Johi said…
Ahhhh! Yes. Why must they touch us in our sleep? Cuddling is for suckers (and people without babies).
Becca said…
Ryan knows to stay away but Charlie is a SNUGGLER. I had to share a bed with him for a week's visit with friends and I was so exhausted I finally put some pillows between us one night. I woke up with him perpendicular to the bed with his head on my chest. The next morning he said "Someone put pillows across our bed, but I FOUND YOU!" Indeed.
Ellen said…
This is just hysterical! I really like the drawings and can totally relate to you!!! We have a Cal-King but have slept on an Eastern King which is suppose to be the equivalent of two twins pushed together. Talk about a wide bed....we spoon...except when I am having night sweats and then I am throwing covers off of me with a frantic sweep.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…