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Showing posts from February 13, 2011

Vacuum Cleaners Hate Me

I sweep my carpet.

There. I said it.

I sweep my carpet and I'm not even freaking Amish! I can totally say that without being offensive because the Amish don't blog so they'll never see this. At least, I don't think they blog. They don't blog, do they? There's nothing wrong if they do blog. In fact, if they did I'd really like to read their blog because I watched a documentary about the Amish recently called Amish at the Alter and I have questions about it so if they did blog and I read it I could probably ask them questions in the comment section like how do you make your noodles?

Look, I believe in machines and electricity. I believe in vacuum cleaners. In fact, I strongly believe in the self-propelled vacuum cleaners because then I don't have to exert too much physical energy sucking up the living room rug. But vacuum cleaners do not believe in me.

In the past three years we have gone through 4 vacuum cleaners. Hoover. Eureka. Bissel. Some off brand…

You don't need sleep - You have a BABY!

My beautiful, brave, intelligent, courageous, friend Lena, has just given birth to her very first child. This morning when I logged on to Facebook I read a post on my wall from her -- typed at some ridiculous hour of the night:

my. god. how did you ever sleep?
My Dear, Sweet, Silly Lena,
Forget about sleep. You will never get it again. At least, not in any regular and discernable pattern. In time, you will find yourself scheduling unnecessary dental procedures for the 20-minute nitrous oxide gas nap and announcing you've got a bad case of irritable bowel syndrome which will provide you exactly twelve minutes of pretend diarrhea time while you actually sleep on the bathroom rug (any longer and someone will come looking for you, blowing your cover), but for now, at this moment, sleep is utterly elusive.
Sure, people will tell you to nap when the baby naps, but let's be honest: four days of old sweat, rank body odor and dried breast milk caked on the inside of your used-to-be-w…

Doctors Annoy Me... No, Front Desk Staff Annoy Me: Reason #582

The Bean stepped on a piece of glass at the Sadie Hawkins Dance this past Saturday. It was right at the end of the dance when her feet had been completely blackened by the barefoot dancing she had partaken in. Partook. Whatever. She was dancing barefoot. Her feet were filthy. When it was time to go so she stood up and went "AGGGHHHH! MY FOOT!" and quickly sat back down to examine her foot. One of the chaperone's walked by and said, "It's time to go!" and she said, "oh my god! oh my god! My foot is bleeding! I think I stepped on a piece of glass!" and the chaperone looked at her and yelled, "IT'S TIME TO GO!" so she hobbled out of the dance with a dirty foot dripping blood.

At home we washed her foot with warm, soapy water, and then attacked the hell out of it with a tweezers. We must not have done a good job because I got a call from the school Monday morning telling me there was still a piece of glass in it and it's green. I su…