Wednesday, January 18, 2012

She thinks you're really going to like this post.

I had a meeting at work today. One of those pretty important meetings where three attorneys and the president of a local agency wore their best suits. I sat down with my 47-pound code book and cold can of Mountain Dew because I know that attorneys tend to be long winded, plus there's that whole "where there is Ego, there is no logic" thing so they tend to resort to lengthy verbal beat downs.

[That's my quote by the way. You find that sucker being sold on a mug at some Long Island gift shop and you contact me. I'm suing for copyright infringement. I have contacts, you know.]

Anyway, I figured it'd be in my best interest to stay awake, thus the Dew.

And I watched as The Suit next to me took out his pad of paper and fancy pen. And he does what everyone does at Very Important Meetings and puts the date in the top left-hand corner. And then he lists everyone at the meeting, starting with the person to his left. 

First, he draws a little black bullet point, and then he writes in the name. 
  •  Ms. Jane Doe
  • Mr. John Doe
  • Attorney Mr. Smith
  • Attorney Mrs. Smith
Around the room he goes.... and then he gets to me. And I watch his hand hover after the bullet point. He has no idea who I am. Even though he smiled broadly, shook my hand and gave me an overzealous, "Good Afternoon! How have you been?" when I first walked in, he is now realizing he has no idea what my name is.

And he taps the bullet point two times with the tip of his fancy pen and I watch him lay down the pen on the pad of paper.

And there sat a left over hanging bullet point.

And this is what bugged the hell out of me for the next hour and a half: he has a hanging bullet point

Good Lord, I don't care that you don't know who I am - just write something in: a question mark, GIRL WITH SODA, even Unknown Female.... but please, oh, please do not leave the bullet point hanging there with nothing following it.

I thought about ways I could drop my name without making it obvious that I knew that he had no clue who was sitting next to him. (It's my personal opinion that the fancier the suit, the more sensitive they are to having things pointed out to them that might make them look human. Or lame.)

Maybe I could start speaking in third person. "Bridget thinks that Subsection E of Chapter 18-110 needs to be clarified." And that made me laugh out loud. Because how freaking funny would that be to suddenly speak in third person throughout an entire meeting?!  "Bridget agrees with your point." So there I was, in one of the most boring meetings of the century trying to stifle my laughter. I certainly couldn't drink anything for fear I'd end up spitting it all over the table. "Bridget thinks this meeting has gone on long enough." And then I thought how I could try to do that with Big V later but the only way it would work is if I didn't laugh which is incredibly difficult for me to do. But I'm going to try it anyway.

And then I thought about how funny it would be if everyone started talking in third person, just for tonight. How confused our kids would be. And our spouses. Or the lady at the checkout at Target. "Bridget really appreciates your help this evening and wishes you a good night." And how awesome would it be if I got one of those stupid sales calls.... "Bridget would like you to explain how the free window installation works again.

But now that the meeting is over I'm wondering if the dangling bullet point is still dangling or if The Suit filled something in, like: Girl Making Strange Snorting Noises. 

6 comments:

Greg said...

He wishes Bridget would write a book.

Johi said...

Johi likes to read Bridget's blog. It makes Johi feel happy.

WagtheDad said...

It likes to read the blog, too. Thanks to it for writing such a nice thing for one to get to read.

And now that is probably going to hit your spam net because all blog comment spam is based on poor English.

Where I live people don't usually write down names when they go to meetings. Where I work the suits don't care what your name is. That sounds bad, but it's not. It's good if they don't know your name. Or your face. That's good, too, if you can accomplish that. Then they have no way of firing you, lacking an identity as it were.

Becca said...

Yes, Becca agrees that you need to write a book.

Maybe I should start using third person in my class, since we are all supposed to be impartial scientists. "The instructor would like you to please put your assignment on the lectern on your way out." That would FREAK them out.

Tina, said...

I love the idea of speaking in the third person. I'm going to have to do this to Shelle, my assistant, who doesn't bring Tina coffee, and see how she reacts. HA AH

Phoenix Rising said...

Bridget likes that her bloggy friends want her to write a book. Bridget wishes her bloggy friends were publishers because that would make the whole process easier.

Bridget also doesn't want to go to any meetings WagtheDad is at because that would probably scare the crap out of her. Bridget scares easily.

Bridget also thinks that Becca should totally teach and entire class in third person. Because that shit would ROCK.

Bridget wants to know if Shelle called the paramedics when Tina started speaking in third person. Because that's exactly the kind of thing Bridget would do if co-workers suddenly started talking like that.