Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I'll take your vicuña and raise you a sharf.

Last night was my second mad skillz knitting class... I proudly showed off what I had worked on throughout the week:

I'm in the process of getting a cat so I can blame this mess on it. 

I have no explanation. Except that I pulled when I shouldn't have and didn't stop when I should have.

After much laughter at my expense (there was no laughing with me) two women decided I needed help. And lots of it. 

After 45 minutes.... yes, forty-five minutes... the two amazing souls --- yes, TWO WOMEN worked on this mess for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES --- presented me with this:

It's the Holy Grail of Yarn Balls, y'all!

It was like suddenly I was a professional and could conquer all things knitting related! But not really because somehow over the course of time I've acquired fifteen extra stitches that weren't there in the first row. But that's why I'm telling everyone I'm making a sharf (Jenny's term for half scarf- half shawl).

I had assumed the class would be a coffee clutch of 83-year old women who sat knitting tacky colored afghans but our class is filled with people all over the place. A couple younger kids, a high school student and her mother, a bunch of women around my age, and two men. One obviously gay and the other obviously mentally unstable. His name is Ed and he's a freaking genius lacking all acceptable social skills. The man is a living, breathing Wikipedia and never stops talking. I learned about ancient Egyptians and mathematical optimization, as well as 18th century darning techniques and the fact that his blood pressure medicine nearly killed him. (Oh, and he's had six surgeries on his hand. Not all at once; over the course of his lifetime.)

Ed was creating something magical and awesome and told us all about this super expensive yarn with flecks of real gold in it that he purchased in some exotic locale. His project was flawless. He is obviously not a first year student. 

He then looked over at me and my knitting disaster and asked what I was working on. I looked up at him and as serious as ever announced, "Oh, I'm making a sharf...  for my sister." 

"A sharf?" You could see him shuffling through the card catalog in his brain. 

"Yeah, after I make my sister's I've got about three friends who want one, too. I am gonna be busy making sharfs!" (Or would it be sharves?)

Anyway, Ed one-upped me by announcing he had a baby blanket to work on next that would be made from the rare hair fibers of the Vicuña (which live in the upper altitudes of the Andes Mountains and can only be sheered once every three years). 

But I won the battle of the wits because when I left everyone wished me luck on my sharf and you could tell Ed still had no idea what the hell a sharf was, nor was he going to lower his standards and ask what one was. That right there tells you my fellow knitters are awesome. And also that Ed can be somewhat annoying. 


HeatherB said...

And he will google sharf today - and locate you.

I am so glad someone straightened out your yarn ball because I was really starting to get tense about it. I mean, I don't want you to get all up in arms and decide not to proceed because of tangled yarn. Summer heat and humidity do that enough...

You don't really have the disease until you start making special trips to the Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to touch the new skeins (shit, that was TMI, I have a problem...)

Chiconky said...

That's awesome! I think a sharf is brillian, and I'm pretty sure vicuna is a made up animal.

Tina, said...

I myself expected today's blog to include a photo of Big V sitting at your feet with his arms spread six inches apart, hands thrust forward wrapped in the yarn as you rolled the yarn in a ball yourself. That's what knitting husbands are suppose to do, aren't they?

I suggest keeping your distance from Ed...there are serial killer tendancies, or just plain lies evdent here. Seriously, a baby blanket made from the hair fibers of the Vicuna, do realize how expensive those hair fibers are? Amature knitters DO NOT use Vicuna hair fibers, what is Ed doing in this class? I'll tell you what he's doing...He's looking for his next victim. The one he plans on chaining to his basement wall for three years, so he can sheer their hair off of their heads ever 6 months to darn into human hair yarn to make that baby blanket, for the baby he fathered with his sister who he keeps chianed in the attic. I'm just saying....

Designs by Dawn Marie said...

I'm totally laughing my a$$ off right now. Bridget I've been following your blog for a while but hadn't commented. This is so funny you've broken me out of my blog stalker mode.

I can totally picture the exact scenario... and then your readers' comments cracked me up even more. I think Tina is on to something... plus knitting needles can be serious weapons!! Okay, I'm no longer hiding in the shadows... I give you two thumbs up for an awesome blog!

Thank YOU for helping me with my ab workout because laughing as I read your blog is the only way the abs are getting worked out!

Have a fantastic day! I can't wait to see the Adventures of the Great Sharf as the story unfolds! LOL