Thursday, January 5, 2012

Everyone needs a Shannon. And some Sharpies. And maybe even a cat.

I have a sister.

Her name is Shannon.

She's some sort of counselor/psychologist/social worker type person. I can never remember what her technical title really is because:

               (1) I'm totally distracted by the fact she can put a bunch of capital letters after she signs her name - that is so freaking cool! and,

               (2) I also tend to get totally distracted that someone who once brought the farm goats inside our house to give them spa treatments is allowed to be responsible for the mental health of human beings. They got loose and ran wild throughout the house half-shaved (she was giving them a new look) and scared out of their wits. Do you know that goats drop a lot of turds when they are scared out of their wits? Also, they are incredibly speedy galloping up and down staircases.

I'm always like what advice do you actually give? 
"I don't know... I just feel stuck. Like, I'm just sitting here waiting for something and... I dunno... watching life pass me by...."

"Perhaps you should consider coordinating a song and dance routine to 'Daddy Sang Bass' and force your siblings to perform it in Aisle 7 at the local Piggly Wiggly."
Anyway. She gets me. She just doesn't want to say it out loud. More than likely because she's just like me but she's scared to face the truth. Face your fear, Shannon, face your fear. 

Today I posted this on my sister's Facebook Wall so all her friends can see how magical our relationship is. (I know, I'm kind of surprised she hasn't blocked me yet, too.) Before you read you should know that I recently sought her advice on how I could learn to be more positive and not so negative and critical all the time.

I just wanted you to know that my ultra fine point blue Sharpie has been used! I know this because whoever used it SMASHED THE
POINT! (I know you know what I mean.) I believe I am currently experiencing a psychosomatic reaction that includes rapid heartbeat,
dizziness, and irrational amounts of anger. Perhaps you should do your thesis on this particular phenomenon. You might even get a
recognized syndrome named after you: i.e., Werf Syndrome: a psychosomatic illness that causes rapid heartbeat, dizziness, and 
irrational levels of anger when an individual is exposed to a Sharpie whose point has been softened and smashed by an unknown idiot 
who obviously doesn't respect the Sharpie. (Say that last bit with a British accent; it sounds so much more distinguished.)
    • Her name is Shanno
      Shannon Symptoms also experienced when one finds an UN-CAPPED Sharpie. All its potential lost. Dried up before its time. So very sad.
      3 hours ago ·

    • Bridget That's like the equivalent to finding a dead kitten on the side of the road. Makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. Especially if it was once a bright red Sharpie. Or once a fluffy white kitten.
      3 hours ago ·
    • Shannon You and kittens lately. We might need to increase the therapy time.
      3 hours ago ·

    • Bridget They're just so fluffy and cute... but then I remember they also have teeth and could easily rip someone's face off. But they have the POTENTIAL to be cuddly and sweet and so entertaining when they bat that little feather on a string toy around.... Besides. It's not like my heart aches when I see a dead possum by the side of the road. That's like finding out some kid chewed on your wooden pencil. It's just gross.
      3 hours ago · 
    • Beth  You two totally crack me up!
      2 hours ago ·
    • Shannon  Seriously. Re-read your post. You don't find anything just a bit 'off' with it. Nothing? I do believe last night's topic was 'negativism'. So great work identifying fluffy, cute and sweet. I think we need to work on staying in that moment just a bit longer.
      2 hours ago ·

    • Bridget Which post? There's just so many to choose from.... in my defense, I don't think identifying possum roadkill as gross is negative. Unless the possum was like super sweet or something. Like the matriarch of a whole possum nation - but not a mean, stuffy matriarch like you'd see in 18th century England, rather an unselfish, caring matriarch of the poor and downtrodden - like Mother Theresa. Because there's no animal more downtrodden than a possum. Unless you consider the downtrodden animals of Manor Farm... "FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!"
      about an hour ago ·

    • Bridget  ‎"All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others!"
      about an hour ago · 

    • Bridget  ‎"I will work harder!"
      about an hour ago ·

    • Bridget  Okay. The Animal Farm quotes will stop. But can you imagine how much fun it would be to write out those quotes with an ultra fine point blue Sharpie?
      about an hour ago · 
    • Shannon  Oh if only you could see how many shades of blue I now own thanks to Emily and Heidi. Be jealous. Very, Very jealous.
      about an hour ago · 

    • Bridget  I think I'm more jealous now than I was of your 6" high bangs in high school. I swear, no matter how much Aqua Net I used - nothing.

Also, Shannon is way, way obsessed with Sharpies. I think she's planning a room addition to her house just to store her inventory. I'm only normally obsessed. There is a difference. Albeit a slight one.

Also -- do goats really gallop?


Ellen said...

The image of pooping goats trotting through your house is just too much....oh boy. Now how handy would it be to be able to consult your sister for counselor/psychologist/social work...forget having to find one you could trust!

Johi said...

This makes me wish my sister spent more time on facebook.

HeatherB said...

Okay, your love of Sharpies made me take special notice of this post today: I think it is a fun project that you, your sister, your children and maybe some wine could make hilarious!

I wish I had a better sister. I really don't know where my parents went wrong with that one...

Phoenix Rising said...

@Ellen: Goat turds also drop and roll. It's like a sick game of Find the Turd. And I consult my sister all. the. time. (She loves it. Really. I swear.)

@Johi: it also works with text convos and email strings. :)

@HeatherB: the shirts look fun! (Mine would never turn out that cute and clever.) And maybe you will find a PseudoSister in 2012! (They're just as good as the real thing, trust me.) :)

Becca said...

OMG, this was hysterical. I also have very strong feelings about office products. G2's are my drug of choice. Don't eff with my G2's kids!