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Showing posts from July 24, 2011

My So-Called Breasts: Celebrating the Flat-Chested One Hazelnut At A Time

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in Her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"


I want boobs.

Well, I actually have boobs, they're just less cantaloupey and more fried eggish. I'll never have surgery because (1) it's expensive and I'd rather go out to dinner at really nice restaurants with fabulous foods and (2) I don't like incre…

Perhaps you should read that again. In fact, I insist you read that again.

I had intended to be back at a decent hour.  Except, you know how things go... later than usual. So, I sent a courtesy text to Big V letting him know what was up.

I arrived home to find him sitting in the comfy chair watching Rambo or Rocky or whatever movie that was.

He finally acknowledged my presence at the commercial (as if he was going to miss some key component to a movie he's seen 487 times before): So, where did you go to get tampons this late?

What?

You sent me a text saying you were stopping off to get tampons...

No, I sent you a text that said I was stopping off to get homemadetamales.

Oh.

.... Just curious, but what exactly did you think a 'homemade tampon' was?

I don't know... like maybe you needed someone to make them wider or something.

Just stop talking.