Thursday, July 14, 2011

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite (or move in)

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of movement and looked over towards my left. There he was. Crawling up the wall. Mere inches from where I sat. 

We have a bug problem in our office. Every couple of days you'll see a spider or beetle or ant or earwig or other random creepy, crawly things traversing about.

It totally gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Mostly because it reminds me of:

Once, in the middle of the night, I got up to go pee, and you know how you're not really awake and your eyes are half closed but you still know where you're going because you've walked this same path a million times so you could totally get to the toilet it in the dark? Well, it was like that.

Half asleep, shuffling to the bowl, I sat down and did my business.

And then I wiped.

Just like a thousand other times.

I grabbed the toilet paper from the roll beside me, balled it up and wiped.

Except something most definitely did not feel right.

I didn't know what it was exactly, but I was pretty certain it required a blood curdling scream while jumping up, spinning around and Holy, Mary, Mother of Jesus! There, frantically swimming around in the water, was an earwig that had just milliseconds earlier touched places that are considered most private on a woman's body.

These are my options:

(1) The earwig was sleeping peacefully amongst the layers of toilet paper and I accidently scooped him up and introduced him to my vaginal entry. He was merely a victim.

(2) The earwig was prancing around the toilet bowl and jumped over to view the activity. He was a nosy pervert.

(3) The earwig purposely and intentionally made it's way across my bedroom floor, crawled up the side of my bed, under my covers, and up into the leg of the shorts I was wearing and had begun the process of moving in and getting comfy when this strange activity unconsciously registered into my sleeping brain, thus causing me to want to empty the contents of my body - including bug and urine, ultimately saving me from having an earwig roost amongst my innards which would have resulted in several months of doctors appointments and debilitating health where I just don't feel right but they can't find anything wrong and they just keep saying it's all in my head until finally some doctor from Canada hears my story, realizes I have an internal earwig infestation, saves my life and I end up being featured on a special medical mystery edition of Nightline.

Suffice it to say, I am that girl who looks on, around and under the toilet seat as well as shakes out all toilet paper before wading it up for use. Seriously, I'm like one step away from sleeping in tights.


Judson and Sara Luke said...

Holy yucky yuck. And you did NOT just write "vaginal entry." Too much funny.

Tina, said...

You have officially totally creeped the Fuck out of me! That is all.


lunchat1130 said...

dude. i have no words. i have many bug/rodent stories, many of them i can't even share on my blog for fear that no one will ever come to, let alone eat at, our house. (i will, however, publish them in my book, whenever the hell *that* happens, b/c i will be an author then and ppl will think i'm so cool that they'll ignore the gross stories and come over anyway.)

at least your house doesn't smell like dead body like ours did. (did you ever read that post of mine?) we had roaches at that time, too. very house of horrors. rats are even worse than earwigs. but earwigs are pretty damn bad, esp in private areas.

p.s. he was totally sleeping. just tell yourself that for the rest of your life.

angie said...

this does not sit well with me. the other night, i fell asleep on the couch, and when i sorta-woke (as you spoke of) i could have sworn there was a huge "stick spider" directly next to my head. i literally jumped from the couch, turned on the lights and started a full-out search for the creature that looked to me exactly like the picture you just shared. i didn't find it, and when i told dave about it in the morning, we decided there was no such thing and that i was hallucinating. but now i see that my spider exists. NOT. COOL.

Johi said...

I may have nightmares about this.

Tara Ahmed said...

Did you go to the doctor and see what was up?

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