Monday, July 18, 2011

Vegemite Cocktails for all the Kids!

This weekend I watched three kids who were at various stages of 1-year old for two hours straight. Without vodka.

And even though they were seriously the best kids on the entire planet, I now realize why God has never blessed me with multiples.

Because God does not give you anything you can't handle.

And when He looks at me He's all uh-uh, not for you. No, you can't handle this. You will barely be able to tolerate nasty, crusty socks left on the living room floor; twins or triplets would throw you over the edge and I have bigger plans for you. Plans that include an early retirement and a vacation home in Bora Bora, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

For 120 minutes I was able to view life through the eyes of a Mama Cat, scrambling to gather one kitten-child back to the middle of the living room floor where all the fun toys were, only to find that now another kitten-child had escaped the nest. Do cats have nests? And then I would go find that particular kitten-child and another would escape.

I spent the majority of the time in retrieval mode.

If you're a mother of twins or triplets or *gasp!* more than that, you deserve a medal. The kind of medal that comes with a full time nanny, housekeeper and a lifetime supply of your favorite booze.

Anyway, I kind of half-laughed / half-punched Big V in the jugular when he suggested I should open my own day care because hasn't he ever met me before? It's amazing these parents actually asked me to watch their kids in the first place. Which made me think they were either really, really desperate or really, really drunk.

I do have to say that out of the three kids, the one I wanted to get rid of was my own. The other two toddlers were so sweet they made my teeth ache. They were cuddly and full of snuggles and kisses... meanwhile Cletus is climbing up the back of the couch attempting to swing from the curtains while screaming, "MOO! MOO! MOO!" like a crazed mental patient.

The two sweeties and I are playing a captivating game of Where are your eyes? Where is your nose? and Cletus is running 87 miles per hour head first into the china cabinet. Over and over and over.

The cute kids are sitting side by side eating blueberries and giving each other kisses and Cletus is smushing the blueberries in between his fingers and laughing hysterically as the pulp oozes through his digits.

I am hereby announcing that all future Parent/Teacher Conferences shall be attended by Big V. Alone. While I'm off having a much needed spa day. In another city. Out of state.

In other news, I also tried Nutella for the first time in my life. Surprisingly, it tasted nothing like Vegemite. Which is a good thing. Unless you're into yeasty extracts. Then you probably wouldn't like it.

I also found this drink recipe for something called a Nutella Cocktail (except it's written in that crazy metric way of measuring so I'll just have to guess on the actual amounts and cross my fingers):
Nutella Cocktail
1 cup ice
½ cup milk
2 tablespoons Nutella
30-mls Frangelico
30-mls Baileys
30-mls Vanilla Vodka

Place all the ingredients into a blender and blend until thick and creamy.

Just try THAT with your tasty Vegemite.


Johi said...

Brock once suggested that I open my own daycare. It provoked a similar reaction from me.

For the record, there are earwigs effing EVERYWHERE in my house and all I can think about is your earwig story. One was staring at my from his perch above my toilet this morning. I shuddered, then I killed it.

lunchat1130 said...

wait, have you ever tried vegemite? i'm kind of fascinated by it b/c it seems so gross. also you said "jugular" so i fainted while i was reading your post.

Muddy Road said...

I like the "momma cat" analogy. The chaos it evokes goes a way to explaining why cats sometimes flip out and eat their babies!

lunchatt1130: if you can get past the "industrial sludge/poo" appearance of yeast extracts, they can be amazing. Just remember that it's not peanut butter-- it's all about restraint. A tiny bit goes a long way. Buttered whole wheat toast with Marmite and a fresh tomato slice on top is absolutely transcendent, especially early on a hot summer morning. It's basically just glutamate so the goal is to add a savory flavor without really directly tasting the extract.

It also makes great vegetarian stock. 1 teaspoon in four cups of hot water and a dash of olive oil is an excellent soup base and it's really quick. I think Marmite's better than Vegemite, but the difference is negligible unless you're British or Australian.

Brenna said...

I told you it wasn't Vegemite, dammit.

I spent much of this past weekend at a 35-person camp-out on my parents' property chasing children as every few minutes my sister had to "just run out for ice." I must have lapped that yard 400 times. I feel you.

Getrealmommy said...

I have no dsire to watch other people's kids. Ever. There I said it.