Thursday, July 7, 2011

The one in which I think I'm going to vomit as I watch TV with my partner.

Last night I practiced tolerance as I watched Big V tear off his overgrown, crusty toenails and pile them up on the end table. We were supposed to be bonding together while watching some MTV Real World Road Rules Challenge with the Enemy show but I couldn't actually watch the show because instead I was looking at him sitting next to me thinking this has got to be the grossest thing I have ever witnessed while trying not to hurl.

And then I thought of the time my little brother got his finger torn off and I didn't know the appendage was actually still in his winter glove, all I saw was the glove go flying and then him running to an area of fresh clean snow that he kept flipping his hand around in and then all that snow turned pink and my sister sped out of the woods with him on the back of one of the 4-wheelers and I picked up the glove and kind of shoved it as far as it would go on my hand (which lucky for me wasn't past my fingers) and me and my cousin walked back out of the woods and by the time we reached the side of the road some van pulled up and these rescue worker guys jumped out and were all is that Patrick's glove? while pointing at it and I was like why yes it is, strange creepy dude who just hopped out of a van, what's it to you? and the guy took the glove and looked inside it and then took a bit of shaved ice and dumped it in the glove and swirled it around a bit and then emptied the contents of the glove into a baggie that had more shaved ice in it and the contents were a finger.

[World's longest run on sentence right there, people. Someone contact Guiness.]

But then I realized the finger, while gross, wasn't actually the grossest thing I ever saw because it happened once but Big V yanks off those toenails all the time. So the choice to do it over and over again is what makes it gross, whereby Patrick had no choice, he was just an innocent victim, therefore, not gross by default.

Also, Big V leaves those suckers everywhere.

Like the other day I was picking up the baby's toys from the living room carpet and I put my hand down and almost got cut by what I was sure was a razor blade hidden amongst the loops... except it was a hardened toenail. I swear if Big V ever goes to prison he'll be using his big toe nail as a shank.

When he got home I turned all naggy wife on him: ohmygawd I cannot believe there was one of your huge, fossilized toe nails on the living room rug! What if the baby had found that and put it in his mouth? It could have cut up his esophogus and he could have bled to death! Why on earth would you throw those disgusting things on the carpet?!

And he looked and me and said, "Huh. It must have fallen off the top of the TV."

And then I was all: ohmygawd I cannot believe you actually put them on top of the TV! That's disgusting! What are you doing? Building a temple out of toenails? That's gross! And if you can take the time to walk up to the TV and throw them on top of it surely you can continue the fifteen steps it would take for you to throw them away in the garbage can!

Then he pointed out that the baby can not reach the top of the television set, whereas he can, and has, been caught digging through the garbage. In which case, placing the clippings on top of the television set was actually safer for the baby because he couldn't reach them. And what probably happened was that I carelessly dusted the furniture in my standard I want to get this done is sixteen seconds so I can watch Real Housewives way and it was actually I who endangered the esophogus of our son by knocking the clippings haphazardly to the floor.

And then I told him to shut up.


Tina, said...

I'm thinking the toenails are gross just reading about them, ISH!


HeatherB said...

What I think is greatness about this is that while I am sitting here reading and laughing to myself - Google has placed an ad right next to the post with a giant toe and a NASTY toenail with the headline - "Nail problems? Click here."

Incredibly funny.

Johi said...

Great post- I laughed out loud and woke Thing 1 up from his nap. And I second what HeatherB said, except for the one I saw was for pedicures with hideous purple polish- which is why I fear having Google ads on my blog.

Becca said...

Gross Gross Gross. You're totally right. If you were on Marriage Ref you'd win "rightest".