Friday, July 1, 2011

Position Wanted: Mansitter

I'm currently accepting applications to find a special friend for Big V. Perhaps we could call the position Mansitter. Because if I don't find someone soon I might explode. Or maybe Big V would explode. Accidentally, I mean. Not like premeditatively. Because that would be very wrong.

But the man doesn't seem to understand that I have a really good book that I am currently obsessed with called The Kitchen House and so I want to read that really good book and not have to entertain him. And by entertain I totally mean look up from the page long enough to acknowledge his presence. Because it is a really good book.

At least the first half of the book is really good and so I expect the second half to be just as exciting because if it's not then I'm totally planning a Eh, it was alright campaign and then no one will ever bother reading that disappointing book and the author would be upset. But maybe not, since all of you probably immediately scrambled to buy the book based solely on my First Half Recommendation and the author could care less if you ever finish it because she's probably booking a cruise around the Greek Islands right now based on her enormous sales revenue, suckas!

Also, I think I would like to go on a cruise around some Greek Islands based solely on the fact that once I ordered Greek pork chops from this little restaurant downtown and they were the bomb! But then the restaurant was all boarded up and closed the next time we went but I don't think it was the pork chop's fault. I'm pretty sure the pork chops carried that restaurant because Big V had ordered spaghetti which was (1) incredibly boring of him and (2) did not taste very good at all. So, I blame the spaghetti.

Anyway, last night I get home with plans to read my book and Dotter is all revved up because she's going camping with friends this weekend and wanted me to pack everything in the car rightnowthisverysecond and Cletus the Used to be Fetus was loud talking about God knows what and was driving me nuts because he says, "Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Mama! Ma!" 4,876 times just like that damn Family Guy dweeb and if you don't know what I'm talking about, allow me to share. Trust me when I say it's not that funny when you live it.

Knowing the book is on the shelf waiting for me to discover its secrets I hurriedly make dinner, pretend to enjoy eating as a family and toss the toddler into bed. Dotter and I tag team the dishes and she asks if it's okay to go watch some movie that's on the Disney channel in the other room and I'm all HELL YES YOU CAN because it's Reading Time for Mama!

I giddily grab my book and snuggle in my cozy chair in the living room while Big V starts scanning channels on the big TV. And I think to myself this is so nice

But then every thirty seconds he's commenting. About nothing.


"Oh, nothing, I was just talking."

I go back to my book.

He starts mumbling again.


"Oh, I was just saying the new Road Rules Challenge is on MTV; they paired up rivals with each other."


I go back to my book. It is so good I can barely contain myself!

He starts mumbling again.


"Oh, I was just wondering if the Brewers were playing Tuesday."

You know, I smile, I think I'll go outside and read. It's cooling down some and that would be really relaxing. (And then I won't end up being spotlighted on Snapped!)

And so my little book and I head out to the front porch and sit. And it has cooled down. And there is a comforting breeze. And it's actually quiet on our usually criminally filled block. And I start to read once again. And it is really, really good.

And I am holding my breath it is that good!

And I can't wait to read what happens next it is that good!

And then the freaking front door opens and Big V pops his cute little head out and asks if I've seen the new iPhone commercial....

So, if you know of anyone who would be interested in entertaining Big V (or just listening to him ramble) while I finish my book, let me know. It's a quick read so I expect with four uninterrupted hours I'll be done. Maybe you could take him to the park. Or a ball game. I'll even pay you in Greek Pork Chops. Thanks.


HeatherB said...

Oh, to read uninterrupted. I am so jealous that you can get as far as you have...

Ellen said...

I so know the feeling. Our big men don't want to be left alone when the evening comes after a hard days work. Oh I have missed him, I have, but when you get engrossed in a book / writing / etc...and yes I have the "Whatcha doing honey?" or "when are you going to come sit next to me?"...I mean that one I can't but not feel a bit like I have to stop whatever incredible thing I was doing and keep him company....

I end up reading late into the night after he is all tucked in next to me. If he even tries to snore...well..BAM...goes the bump to him to please be quiet! I get back to reading in peace and quiet.

The sounds interesting...let me know if it ends as well as it begins. For now I will add it to my "to read" list.

Johi said...

lmao! I looked at the book review- it looks like a candidate for my bookclub! P.S. I nominated you to do a questoinare style guest post on a blog called Legos in my Pocket- cuz I love ya and I hoped it would increase traffic. :) Have a great 4th!

Becca said...

This is why polygamy is such a good invention.

Chiconky said...

I totally thought mine was the only one who did this! Though my husband also has a bit of a Velma thing, so his comments are slightly less "did you see the new iPhone commercial?" and more "bow-chicka-bow-wow." I'm guessing I'd have to pay more for that kind of mansitter.