Friday, July 15, 2011

In 24 Months This Person Will Be Considered An Adult.

Actual message I received from the Teen Bean:

i know you dont aprove of me getting my belly button pierced but last night my friend did it cause my dad was too lazy to bring me...and it got stuck so i learned my lesson.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm not an alcoholic by now.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite (or move in)

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of movement and looked over towards my left. There he was. Crawling up the wall. Mere inches from where I sat. 

We have a bug problem in our office. Every couple of days you'll see a spider or beetle or ant or earwig or other random creepy, crawly things traversing about.

It totally gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Mostly because it reminds me of:

Once, in the middle of the night, I got up to go pee, and you know how you're not really awake and your eyes are half closed but you still know where you're going because you've walked this same path a million times so you could totally get to the toilet it in the dark? Well, it was like that.

Half asleep, shuffling to the bowl, I sat down and did my business.

And then I wiped.

Just like a thousand other times.

I grabbed the toilet paper from the roll beside me, balled it up and wiped.

Except something most definitely did not feel right.

I didn't know what it was exactly, but I was pretty certain it required a blood curdling scream while jumping up, spinning around and Holy, Mary, Mother of Jesus! There, frantically swimming around in the water, was an earwig that had just milliseconds earlier touched places that are considered most private on a woman's body.

These are my options:

(1) The earwig was sleeping peacefully amongst the layers of toilet paper and I accidently scooped him up and introduced him to my vaginal entry. He was merely a victim.

(2) The earwig was prancing around the toilet bowl and jumped over to view the activity. He was a nosy pervert.

(3) The earwig purposely and intentionally made it's way across my bedroom floor, crawled up the side of my bed, under my covers, and up into the leg of the shorts I was wearing and had begun the process of moving in and getting comfy when this strange activity unconsciously registered into my sleeping brain, thus causing me to want to empty the contents of my body - including bug and urine, ultimately saving me from having an earwig roost amongst my innards which would have resulted in several months of doctors appointments and debilitating health where I just don't feel right but they can't find anything wrong and they just keep saying it's all in my head until finally some doctor from Canada hears my story, realizes I have an internal earwig infestation, saves my life and I end up being featured on a special medical mystery edition of Nightline.

Suffice it to say, I am that girl who looks on, around and under the toilet seat as well as shakes out all toilet paper before wading it up for use. Seriously, I'm like one step away from sleeping in tights.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's time to get your pen and your pencil!

I now have proof that I did not "make up" the whole Bill Cosby Picture Page thing. Picture Page is a for real fact, people:

I kind of feel like justice is served and my life's mission is complete.

Thank you, YouTube, for helping me prove Picture Page's existence. Now, if you only had video documenting which one of my siblings really started the epic food fight of 1985, I could finally establish without a doubt that it was not me.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Billy Bob Thornton and the Amazing Scape Goose

We were at work for a lot of hours without any computers to do any work on and when there's no computers I start thinking about what else I could be doing around the office that might not require a computer.

The first thing I did was wipe down the wall next to my desk where I accidentally splashed half my latte once when I was dramatically and enthusiastically making a point. The point was don't slam your cup down or the contents will splash everywhere and nine weeks later you'll have to wash the wall when the computers go down. Let's just say I made my point.

And then I started to file. But that pretty much bit the big one so I decided to change the goose's outfit instead.

See, one day the Co-Worker decided we needed an office mascot so he brought in a goose that some lady pushed on him when he was at her house during an inspection. (Don't worry; it wasn't alive.) You might think that people try to hand us money so they can make sure they pass building inspections, but that never happens. Usually you just have to put up with dirty houses, unrecognizeable odors and untrained dogs. But not in this particular case. In this case, some lady shoved a plastic goose in the Inspector's hands along with a bag filled with goose outfits. (God help me if I ever become that woman who pawns off her plastic animals to people just trying to do their job...)

Co-Worker walked into the office with a goose under his arm and, well, what was I to do? He's standing there with his big ole' can we keep him eyes and the goose just looked so darn happy... so it became our office mascot: The Scape Goose. (I was really pushing for a scape goat but fake goats are surprisingly difficult to find. And if you do happen to find one you can almost never find clothes for the darn thing.)

Anyway, no computers meant Scape Goose got a new outfit. Since it's three thousand degrees out I decided summer wear was the way to go, but putting a coconut bra on a goose can be tricky.

I asked Co-Worker to help, but he seemed to not get a handle on the right things...

We couldn't figure the sucker out. Honestly, I consider myself a fairly intellegent person but this was just getting the best of us. That's when we thought of Miss J from up in the front office. Miss J can do everything so if anyone was going to know how to dress this goose it'd be her. Co-Worker dialed her extension and asked if she had a moment, could she come assist us with something.

The strange part was, she didn't even blink when she walked into our office and we told her we needed help dressing a duck. Uh, goose. She just acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. Which was good, because it lets me know I'm working with the right people; the kind who believe we all do better when we work together.

And then I started thinking about how sad it is that in some jobs people would think you were a tad bit off if you dressed up a  plastic Scape Goose and allowed someone else to take a picture of you with it. But not here, because I don't think my co-workers are off at all, you know?

Also, don't you think Co-Worker kind of has that Billy Bob Thornton look about him?  It might just be the way he's ogling that goose...

Monday, July 11, 2011

Reason #817 Why YOU Need a Sister with a Good Sense of Humor

Reason #817: Colorful Text Messages

I got this picture text from my sister a while ago and just thought I would share:

"I would be so good at swear word Scrabble."

Sorry for the vulgarity of this post, Mom. You know, she was always the naughty one.

Three Long Days

These are Big V's dirty socks.

He comes in from a long, hard day of sweating in his feet and rips them off.

At the door.

And then they sit there.

Until I pick them up.

But I haven't picked them up.

For three days I have not picked them up.

And for three days he has walked past them.

Over them.

Around them.

And yet I have not picked them up.

For three very long days...