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Showing posts from July 3, 2011

The one in which I think I'm going to vomit as I watch TV with my partner.

Last night I practiced tolerance as I watched Big V tear off his overgrown, crusty toenails and pile them up on the end table. We were supposed to be bonding together while watching some MTV Real World Road Rules Challenge with the Enemy show but I couldn't actually watch the show because instead I was looking at him sitting next to me thinking this has got to be the grossest thing I have ever witnessed while trying not to hurl.

And then I thought of the time my little brother got his finger torn off and I didn't know the appendage was actually still in his winter glove, all I saw was the glove go flying and then him running to an area of fresh clean snow that he kept flipping his hand around in and then all that snow turned pink and my sister sped out of the woods with him on the back of one of the 4-wheelers and I picked up the glove and kind of shoved it as far as it would go on my hand (which lucky for me wasn't past my fingers) and me and my cousin walked back out of …

I didn't mean to carry that wrong; it just ended up that way.

A couple weeks ago I hobbled into the ER expecting to be diagnosed with a heart attack, or neuro-syphilis, but instead spent a couple lively hours talking through the curtain to total strangers. It turned out I was overdosing on allergy medication. And also that I was pregnant. Which was a total shock to me because I was pretty sure it was too early to tell that. Apparently they caught the sperm as he was hooking up with the egg and saw it all go down. And then the weird people on the other side of the curtain were all congratulations! So, there I sat, twelve seconds pregnant thinking this is going to be the longest blasted pregnancy in history because who ever finds out the second after they conceive?

That was Monday, the 20th. I went home stunned and worried because (1) it is impossible for me to keep my trap shut so there is no way I could keep this silent for the next obligatory twelve week waiting period and (2) it is impossible for me to keep my trap shut so I was bound to let t…

Campfire's Buring, Campfire's Burning

In an effort to ensure I never get chosen as Mother of the Year, I allowed my 9-year old to go camping with friends. She's been camping with them once before; albeit a short, weekend trip just about an hour's drive away. This time they were headed up north. Over five hours away. For a week. A full week.

I dropped her off on Friday evening with plans they would be leaving bright and early Saturday morning for Land o' Lakes, Wisconsin. Did I mention it's over five hours away? Anyway, she called me last night, sobbing. They had decided to stay longer and wouldn't be home until Sunday. She begged me to please just promise to come pick her up. You know, over five hours away.

She's my baby; of course I promised.

But I didn't actually have an address. Should mom's get the actual address of where their child will be residing for seven days? Perhaps I should have.

And also, perhaps I should have said no to the whole camping bit. Why? Because this is the kid tha…