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Showing posts from May 1, 2011

Why Some Mothers Eat Their Young.

The Bean is my unbelievably gorgeous 15-year old daughter. The one who spends hours making sure every hair is in place, her outfit is the epitome of perfection, and her make-up looks flawless. She's my oldest. The one who championed me with the title 'Mother.'

During the week she wakes up before me and is out the door for school before my alarm even goes off. So I send her a text message. Every. Single. Morning.



Really? Seriously? THIS IS GROSS!!

Honestly, this is disgusting. Don't let it happen again.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?????

OH MY GOD! Seriously??? Do you honestly think this is okay? As God is my witness I am going to smack you into next week if I see this one more time.

ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME INSANE???

I know you're doing this on purpose. And you know what? I'm taking away your toothbrush. And the toothpaste. Let your teeth rot. I could care less. AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS NASTINESS EVERY SINGLE BLASTED MORNING!


I don't want to go t…

How people in the Witness Protection Program keep dentists I will never know.

I lied to my dentist.

I actually switched dentists so I could tell this lie.

And I'm not talking that standard I floss my teeth all the time lie y'all do when you know you haven't busted out the floss since 2007.

I'm talking about a really big lie.

A lie so big it's actually written in my chart.



I have sensitive teeth.

Except I really don't, see?

I mean, once in a while I do, especially when I don't floss for a day or eight months, or bite into something super cold and the pain shoots through the nerve so fast I think I'm about to pass out, so I've actually experienced a sensitive tooth but it might not actually be an on-going all the time kind of problem like perhaps I may have suggested to the dental professionals. And now it's written on my chart.

But I had to say it because get this - if you have non-sensitive teeth these crazy fools use some sort of water pick cleaning technique that pretty much amounts to torture and feels like they'…

Victoria Beckham Never Smiles and I Know Why

Sometimes, after a particularly long, hard day at work, I'll come home, walk into the house, and, upon entering, attempt to flee again. Because these people are so wanting of my attention.

The Bean will run up rambling about how even though her birthday is a couple months from now, she thought about it and what she wants to do is ask for money so she can summer out on the East Coast, like every other struggling middle class teenager. At the same time Dotter will be broadcasting the fact that we need to bring a salad to the banquet dinner tomorrow night, which leaves me wondering what we possibly do that requires attendance at a banquet dinner and a salad? Cletus will be screeching at the top of his lungs, "Mom-mEEE! Mom-mEEE! Moooo! Moooo! Twak-ta? Twak-ta?" while clawing at my legs and Big V will be creeping up from behind, wrapping his arms around me and pushing his man parts into my backside like I'm not going to notice and muttering something about how he did a j…

Observations at a Mall: Thoughts of a not-quite middle aged mother of three.

(1) Dressing rooms should be split between "Teens & Other Perky Bodies" and "Those Who Gave Birth Before You Damn Teeny Boppers Were Even Born."

(2) I am a pear. Regardless of what body shape I might have been two child-births ago, I am now, most definitely, a pear.

(3) Items at Barnes & Noble are one size fits all. Items at Victoria Secret are not.

(4) The soft pretzels with nacho cheese dip can make any shopping experience worthwhile.

(5) Because of this, I will, more than likely, always be a pear.

(6) I'm strangely okay with this because I like to read. A lot.

(7) I really like Barnes & Noble.

(8) I don't really need new clothes because I have sweatpants.

(9) So does Big V.

(10) I also really like soft pretzels with nacho cheese dip.

I need a new shovel. And help digging a grave.

Big V can be kind of, uh, spontaneous. Not so much in the look at these beautiful flowers I am giving you for no other reason than I just thought you would like them kind of way, but more in the I just gave away your bicycle to some strange man sifting through our garbage kind of way.

In his defense, my bike had a flat tire. (That was his defense. It is in no way, shape or form, supported by me.) Obviously, if the tire is flat the bike shall then be rendered unusable, right? And he had been in the process of cleaning out the garage, which was why there were cans of garbage at the end of the driveway beckoning the homeless to sift through and the creepy guy did take that stupid stainless steel kitchen sink that isn't worth a dime so he kind of deserved something good, right?

Which leads us to the fun little child cart that the bike used to pull. The cart that Cletus the Used to be Fetus LOVES to ride in. The cart that Big V was smart enough to save....
... yet not smart enough to …