Lesson for the day: It pays to take your car to a professional.

Here is a story about the time I had a flat tire.

Which was actually only two days ago.

I packed three kids in the car, got as far as the end of the block, and realized something wasn't right.

Which is to say my tire was flat and I probably shouldn't drive on it so instead I drove three miles per hour home and silently sobbed in my head because how was I going to function without a car? Then I called my mom, who stopped playing Scrabble with my elderly grandmother in order to come to our rescue and take the Bean to work. (Yes, she has work!)

And then I sent a picture text to Big V that read "Flat Tire Fail."

Being the Knight in Shining Armor that he is, he called and said something like I'm not going to be home for another hour or two and then I have to play softball and I need to get there early to practice batting so I'm not sure what you want me to do about it.

And I said in my most calmest voice ever oh, I don't need you to do anything about it. I was just letting you know. I'm going to take it to the car shop tomorrow.

And then he got all macho and was like I'll save you!

And I reminded him that he might possibly have limited skill in the area of flat tire expertise and then he was all I am a Man! I can do anything!

So I turned on Designed to Sell and started emotionally eating my way through a bag of Ruffles and a tub of French Onion Dip. Because how could I function without my car?

Big V came home about an hour later and asked me if I had a jack. And that's when I stared at him because hasn't he ever met me before? I know nothing of jacks. Or other car thingys.

Forty-five minutes later, just as I was licking the last of the dip out of the plastic container, he came back muttering under his breath and saying things like I'm going to be late for softball and why did you have to get a flat tire anyway? (Oh, it was on my list of things to do. Right in between washing your dirty underwear and giving painful birth to your son. I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?)

So he decides he's going to leave the car jacked up while he takes the tire over yonder to WalMart and F&F Tire, seemings how it's Sunday night and everything else is closed and did you hear me? He said he's going to leave the car jacked up... see, that's called Rising Action and is the part of the story that introduces the basic conflict and the various obstacles that interfere with the protagonist's ability to reach his goal.

A couple more hours later Big V calls. He is actually in another town because on his way to WalMart and F&;F Tire he called his dad. And his dad said I used to work at Herb's! I know how to fix a flat tire. Bring it on over!

And so he did.

Except by the time he got there his dad was responding to a fire call.

So Big V just sat at his house and waited for him.

But then it was taking too long and he didn't want to be late for the big game so he left.

And he was just calling to tell me he'd get the tire when he was done.

After his game.


And just as I'm reaching for a big piece of chocolate cream pie, my mom stops by on her way to drive my children to and fro and says, "Did you mean for your car to be up on the jack? Or just sitting on the driveway?"

And just in case you can't see that....

Here's a better view.

So, I posted a picture of it to Facebook because this cannot be good. And, you know what? A lot of people confirmed that.

So, I started eating more.

A lot more.

And I tried not to sob out loud. (It scares the children.)

And a couple more hours later Big V called because his game was over and he was going to head over to pick up my tire but I said actually, if you have a second, can you stop at home first?

And he said this cannot be good.

So he left to go get the tire.

And a better jack.

(Which is that thing that holds the car up in the air, making it possible to actually change the tire.)

And he was gone for a very, very long time.

And when he finally called me on his way home he was very stressed out. And was kind of jackasseryish. And was kind of ranting about how when he got there his dad still hadn't gotten to the tire because they were just finishing up on the fire call so he went down to the fire house and then another call came in and he had to go on it because he's actually a member of the fire department and can't exactly say no [he doesn't like fires; he's only on the fire department because it's a requirement for being on the rescue dive team. He prefers to swim under ice as opposed to entering burning buildings.] and it took forever and so then he just left and filled the tire up with air from the gas station and then sprayed Windex on it and couldn't find anything so it should be fine.

And I was like I'm actually not feeling comfortable with your fixing abilities and I'm scared my car will fall apart so I'm still going to bring it in to the car shop.

And then he got very upset because I wounded his pride so he made a nasty comment about how if I didn't care to waste my money getting screwed over then so be it because he knows it's fine. And I was all you didn't fix it; you just gave it a streak-free shine!

And then we stopped talking.

Because sometimes it's best if you just shut your dang piehole, you know?


And the next day I took my car to Korey's Auto Kare and had to explain how I think we broke my car by dumping it tireless on the concrete and could he please, pretty please make sure I wouldn't die if I drove it? I've taken my car to Korey before and knew I was leaving it in good hands... but I still had to get a ride to and from work and that meant I had to be alone in the truck with Big V which was so not where I wanted to be.

Then Korey called. And I felt a gazillion times better. Because on the way home I asked Big V what dollar amount he would feel screwed over by ... and then I told him how Korey replaced two bulbs that were out in my tail light (that Big V was going to do months ago because he said he would only take ten minutes) and also that Korey changed the oil in my car because it was due and also Korey took the tire off and checked to see if anything was cracked or broken, which he assured me it was not, and also how Korey patched the tire so it wouldn't leak.

And Big V said that if it was over $150 he would feel we got screwed over.

And that's when I said the bill came to forty-seven dollars.

And then there was silence.

And then Big V said well are you sure he checked everything? I mean, for that low of a price maybe he didn't check everything...

And I said he managed to pull the big screw out that made my tire go flat. Perhaps your Windex didn't get it shiny enough for you to see it.