Thursday, May 5, 2011

How people in the Witness Protection Program keep dentists I will never know.

I lied to my dentist.

I actually switched dentists so I could tell this lie.

And I'm not talking that standard I floss my teeth all the time lie y'all do when you know you haven't busted out the floss since 2007.

I'm talking about a really big lie.

A lie so big it's actually written in my chart.

I have sensitive teeth.

Except I really don't, see?

I mean, once in a while I do, especially when I don't floss for a day or eight months, or bite into something super cold and the pain shoots through the nerve so fast I think I'm about to pass out, so I've actually experienced a sensitive tooth but it might not actually be an on-going all the time kind of problem like perhaps I may have suggested to the dental professionals. And now it's written on my chart.

But I had to say it because get this - if you have non-sensitive teeth these crazy fools use some sort of water pick cleaning technique that pretty much amounts to torture and feels like they're rapidly pounding thumb tacks into your gums and that is just not a pleasant experience that I would choose to pay to sit through. But if you suffer from sensitive teeth they use that old fashioned rubber round thing with paste shoved in it that massages the teeth clean.

Massage? Or risk losing your upper lip to a water machete? I think the choice is obvious.

But now, just like with any lie, I have to be on my toes at all times to perpetuate that lie, and it keeps getting deeper and deeper and more entangled and more confusing.

They're always asking me things like "how do your teeth feel?" Fine. They feel like teeth. No problems here! "Oh? So you're no longer experiencing any pain due to sensitivity?" Oh, uh, that. Um. Well, that part just happens to be a seven out of ten. I think I'm just getting much better at tolerating the pain. I believe it's a mind over matter thing. 

Look, I admit I wasn't too thrilled with the sample sized Sensodyne toothpaste being shoved in my goodie-bag, especially since I'm a Crest Original kind of gal, but I figured it's what I deserved for telling the lie in the first place. And I accepted that. But being told I can't get my teeth whitened because it is absolutely not recommended for people with sensitive teeth and there is no way my dentist will perform such a procedure on my teeth? C'mon! I have a coupon!

I don't know what to do. There's no way I can go back to the water torture but the longer I stay with this dentist I'm that much closer to being found out and risk losing the rubbery tooth massager. I'm starting to sweat and panic just thinking about it. But I would love a lovely white smile. I guess it's just time to move on and find a new dentist.

I cannot begin to imagine how people in the Witness Protection Program do this every day.  So, if you just happen to be in the WPP and are a fan of my blog I would appreciate it very much if you left a comment with some sort of advice or tip on how to perpetuate a lie without being forced to change dentists. Thank you.


Leslie said...

I would tell them that you arent really experiencing the sensitivity anymore, and when they come at you with that crazy waterpik thing REQUEST the other thing. You have a right to do that!

Johi said...

I really do have sensitive teeth and that waterpik thingy would send me through the roof and cost the operator of it their teeth. No thank you.

Ellen said...

Easy thing for you to do is say your teeth are fine but that you feel the water pic is just to aggressive on your teeth.

We are going to change dentist (again) as the new dentist is trying to figure out how to have us go bankrupt. Our original retired, the new one was incompetent and the new new one is too high tech and wants to do anything and everything to our teeth. I think we need to go to a middle class / blue collar dentist who will take care of our teeth without trying to tell us we HAVE to do the latest technique or we will be doing something very bad.