Friday, May 20, 2011

Starbucks Tried To Buy Me Off After They Attempted To Kill Me

Last night I went to meet two of my friends at Starbucks. This was good news because my kids were driving me crazy and I didn't feel like cooking dinner. Except we weren't going to meet until 8 which meant I still had to do something for dinner so I went for the Fun Mom Option and bought McDonald's. Then I hightailed it out of there.

Only 1 of my friends could make it because the other one was busy doing something called moving into a new home while still trying to take care of three small children and let's be honest, that sort of behavior should just be outlawed.

Being the stellar friends we are, we decided we would get a treat for Friend #2 and deliver it to her and also check to see if she was still somewhat sane and functioning, because we are caring people like that. Actually, it was totally Friend #1's idea, I just nodded my head and agreed with her. Not because I didn't want to do it, it's just that my mind doesn't work that way... you know, the whole thinking of others thing...

I cheerily ordered my standard drink of choice (grande chai tea latte) and became quickly enchanted with the shelves of Starbucks glassware. Particularly, this little beauty:

I know! Cute, right?

Except what you don't see is the unshaven shards of glass located at the bottum of the freaking cup.

Don't worry... my thumb found them. Because I'm one of those people who have textile issues ... like I can't stand touching sand or gravel, and would just about claw your eyes out before being forced to touch either of those, but I could spend hours running my fingers along the smoothness of marble or glass or stainless steel  - well, as long as there weren't any finger prints on the stainless steel because that would send me over the edge... anyway, you get my point.

I saw pretty glass. I actually considered buying the pretty glass. I rubbed my fingers over the pretty glass. And then it attacked me.

Precision cut almost all the way through the meat of my thumb. And when I say almost all the way through I mean after I squeezed at it for a good fifteen seconds drops of blood appeared. Actual droplets of blood, people!

I started getting light headed and dizzy, but thankfully my good friend was with me.

"Oh  my god! Did you just get cut? You can totally sue."

I looked at my deformed thumb "I can't sue them..."

"No. You can. You should totally sue them."

So I took the cup and my bloody nub up to the girl at the counter. Holding my hand above my heart (to slow down the speed of blood flow), I politely spoke, "Excuse me, but do you happen to have a bandaid I can borrow? I was just cut by this very dangerous glass."

Obviously they've had trouble with violent glassware before because she was back in half a second with a tourniquet and a first aid kit. Oh, yeah, they were ready - very suspiciously ready, for an injury.

I tried my best to fashion a bandage around my injury... and then she leaned in real close... lowered her voice to almost a whisper and said "If you don't fill out an incident report, I can give you this entire Berry Berry Coffee Cake and a piece of Lemon Pound Cake for free."

Honestly, I didn't know if I heard her correctly. Was she attempting to buy me off with calorie rich pastries? I couldn't think. I was getting light headed and the room was starting to spin... and I found myself nodding my head totally out of confusion and shock. 

And just like that, off we went to deliver our bounty to Friend #2 - who, by the way, has the most FABULOUS HOUSE EVER and I might just go over and never leave. (People can still claim squatters rights, can't they? How long must I squat?)

But now I'm thinking I settled for too low a price. I mean, this could get infected. I could lose the use of my thumb. It was actually quite uncomfortable this morning when I tried to use my thumb to flip open the top of the shampoo bottle. What if I can no longer open bottles of shampoo? I'm thinking Starbucks could make this right with a set of 16oz Recycled Glass Tumblers and a $25 gift card. Just sayin'.


Johi said...

I would have accepted that bribe too, and I'm gluten intolerant (how annoying, right?) which should show you how easily I cave. Good choice. And I hope your thumb recovers quickly. If you can't open the shampoo, just use conditioner. That is what my ex-college boyfriend did and it worked out super well for him. Note the EX part.

Getrealmommy said...

I would totally have asked for the gift card. You got screwed.

Becca said...

Yay for bribery!

Leslie said...

This is awesome. I am going to fall down in front of starbucks and fake break a tooth to see if they will give me a whole lemon pound cake.

Ellen said...

So should I be very careful the next time I am at Starbucks or go for it and reap the potential rewards? Hmmmm. I would say your evening out was unexpected and your friend moving was able to celebrate with goodies and friends!

Hope the finger is okay..and let us know if you go back for the glasses....


Well, you got one thing right for sure. Moving into a new house with three very small children should be outlawed.