Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I'm all out of Snark. Unless they serve it at Pizza Ranch.

I have nothing to blog about. Because my life is no longer funny. My life is merely pathetic. Mostly because it took me a week to figure out the gross odor wafting through the house wasn't Big V's shoes after all, but rather the oversized freezer we keep in the basement with all the meat in it. We lost a cow. So we spent the day cleaning up stinky room temperature meat dripping gallons of blood. I was so busy cursing I didn't realize the awesomeness of the situation; my sister did.

"Did you take all the meat out of the butcher paper and then wrap it up in a large carpet roll bound with duct tape and haul it to the end of the road?"

What?! No!

Opportunity Lost.

And then one of my favorite older lady person who is really spry and someone I would love to be like when I'm almost 80 (because she's kind of nutty) came into my place of employment and was all I haven't seen you since Thanksgiving and -- oh my goodness! I didn't know you were expecting! And then she placed her hand on my stomach and rubbed it. Yes. Rubbed it.
And I looked at her and said I'm not pregnant; I'm just fat. And she continued rubbing my belly while she leaned in close to my ear and whispered oh, honey, you can tell me! And then she winked.

And then I went back to my desk and fought back tears while eating a candy bar. Emotional eater much? And I was so busy licking the chocolate out of the corner of my mouth that I didn't notice the awesomeness of the situation: my sister did.

"Did you lean in real close and say, "Yes.... but try to keep it quiet because the father is [insert obnoxious politician's name here]?"

What?! No!

Again: opportunity lost.

Something is terribly wrong with me. I'm losing my snark. But don't worry, I've got a doctor's appointment scheduled to look into this. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of asking my sister to guest blog on this site to carry it along until I'm back on my feet.

Here's the latest text my sister sent me:
Did you call me 2x in a row to tell me about Pizza Ranch?

Yes. Yes, I did. And then I'll talk to you about guest blogging.

8 comments:

Rebecca said...

Maybe there's some sort of planetary alignment that's making us feel like our lives are pathetic. I'm right there with you (as you can tell, my blogs have been kinda few and far between and low on snark). If your doctor finds something fun to restore the snark, please share with the rest of us - especially if it has anything to do with tequila.

Becca said...

OMG that woman IS nutty!! Holy cow (sorry). It took me almost a week to find a rotting bag of potatoes on top of my fridge. My house smelled like a diaper the whole time. Gross. I hope you get your goove back soon. I have those spurts too.

Johi said...

I like this post, so I think you are fine. And don't you love people who touch your stomach? Having people's hands on my stomach is an automatic vomit trigger for me. No, I'm not unstable. Why do you ask?

Johi said...

Oh, and I like your sister.

Tina, said...

I weighed 125 lbs when I got pregnant and was so offended when people would touch my stomach and tell me "You don't even look pregnant". I just happen to be 9 months pregnant and weight 175 lbs! WTF! I was a beast!

wv: senes

HeatherB said...

I was out of town for 3 days. 3 days without kid or the Hubs. First thing I noticed upon entry of homestead? Smiling kid? Nope. Horny hubby? Nope. The stench.

Hubs shrugged it off, "I thought it was the trash" (that hadn't been taken out since before I left) "or us, we haven't showered since you weren't here" (huh?).

Try dead mice. Under the sink. Stuck to sticky paper. Under the KITCHEN sink.

Apparently this funk is everywhere.

Meg said...

I think the snark has flown south early this year, anticipating a hard winter. Apparently, when the nuts fall of your trees in the summer, this mean's your in for a helluva winter. Who woulda thunk it? I'm hoping my snark returns quickly as well.

Brenna said...

You and your sister sound like me and mine, but I think yours might be more creative in her hilarity. Mine just curses a lot.