Thanks to Wikipedia I'm going through opioid withdrawal.

This morning I spent twenty minutes at my local Walgreens attempting to procure the necessary tiger blood and Adonis DNA medication I would need to kick this nasty virus out of my system. Medication aisles can be very intimidating because it's hard to concentrate on 8,467 of something when you can barely hold your eyes open and also when you can't stand without swaying. Luckily I came prepared with my symptoms written on a piece of paper:

You have to come prepared because the medication assholes gods have created a plethora of symptom combinations to pick from and if you're not on your A Game then fuhgitaboutit. You're missing a symptom and still feeling like crap. Who's winning now? Not you.

And so I found the perfect item(s):

See how it says "long acting" and also "relieves cough: up to 8 hours" and "runny nose?" It's like the medication gods knew that was EXCATLY what I needed. And also kudos to the Mountain Dew marketing team for enticing me into the unnecessary purchase of a throwback. As if I can tell whether or not it's made with real sugar. Please. I'll believe anything printed on a package. Did you see my Robitussin purchase? Exactly my point.

I take the recommended dosage and voilà! Three hours later I'm still hacking and sticking tissue up my nostrils to stop the rhinorrhea, which, according to Wikipedia is what we commonly refer to as a "runny nose." Wikipedia also goes on to say rhinorrhea is a symptom of the common cold and allergies and also can be a sign of opioid withdrawal!

Not having a lot of experience in the illecit drug world, I click the opiods link in Wikipedia where I learn that the side effects of opioids include sedation, respiratory depression and constipation.

I feel like I can't move any muscle in my body via the will of my own brain so I'm pretty sure I can check sedated off the list. I have no idea what respiratory depression is, but I'm pretty sure I feel bummed that I have this cough so I'll just go ahead and check that off, too. And while I can't remember the last time I went Number 2, I'm pretty sure that could either be because I don't actually keep track of that stuff or because I'm constipated. I don't know because I'm too sedated to feel anything.

Anyhoo - thanks to my Wiki research I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing opioid withdrawal which totally sucks because obviously that's why the seven dollar bottle of Robitussin isn't working. I could try to bring it back to the store and get my money back; but like Walgreens would really give cash to a druggie. Is that even how you spell druggie? Or is it druggy? No, I think it's I feel druggy because I am a druggie. Don't quote me though because you can never trust someone who uses drugs. Lying is part of the disease. I'd gladly do some research on the proper spelling and usage of the term except I need to find a rehab center to check myself into because I am never going to survive this without help. And guess what, Charlie Sheen? I do believe in getting help. That is what makes me a winner.

UPDATE: Every muscle in my body now aches. I'm pretty sure I was beaten in a drug deal gone bad. Except I wouldn't remember because I was too high to know what was going on around me. Also I want a big bag of Cheetos. What could this mean?!