Tweet Hey, V, if I die you can have Alicia, okay?
If I die, you can have Alicia. She'd make an excellent mother to the children. She's sweet and compassionate and she'd read to them and take them on fun outings and also pack a homemade, organic lunch for them to bring to school. She'd be their number one cheerleader and talk to them and make them feel good about themselves and also she'd do whatever she could to keep my spirit alive and say things like, "your mother would be so proud of you" as she's brushing their hair or putting on their shoes. She's a way better mother than I will ever be, so you can have her if I die.
[turns to exit room]
Wait! Where are you going?
To watch the sports update on TV.
But what about me?
What about you?
I just gave you Alicia - what about me?
I don't think you'll mind; you'll be dead. Besides, you gave her to me, why would you care?
No. I mean, who do I get if you die?
Who do I get if you die?
Uhmm... I don't know.... how about Chris?
Chris?! No way. I can't have Chris!
Why not? He likes kids.
Because Chris is happily married and they're expecting their third child. You can't break up a marriage!
I thought this was a hypothetical...
Well, you can't hypothetically break up a marriage. Now I'm going to feel all uncomfortable when I see them because I'll be afraid they can sense your evil plan. You have to pick someone else.
*SIGH* Fine. Bob.
Scrap Metal Bob?
What's wrong with Bob?
He drives around picking in people's garbage in the hopes of finding metal.
So? He's a business man.
He lives with his mother.
So? He's a family man.
Let me get this straight. You feel that when you die I should take on more responsibility by taking care of Scrap Metal Bob? And his mother? 'Hop in the truck, kids! It's garbage day!' No. No way.
*SIGH* *SIGH* Fine. You can have Cameron.
So? You have plenty of gay friends; you're in theatre.
Yes, and I love them all. I also happen to know enough about them to understand that if you told Cameron he was stuck with me and my vagina for the rest of his life, he'd consider that cruel and unusual punishment.
Fine. Then you be gay.
You can't just make me gay. Besides, it doesn't work that way. A gay guy doesn't want to be with a gay girl, they want to be with another gay guy. Preferably one that has a keen sense of interior design.... like Nate Berkus.
Fine. You can have Nate Berkus... whoever the hell he is.
I can't have Nate! He's gay! Why don't you understand this? I gave you Alicia - who is beyond awesome, by the way - and I'm thinking I'm totally getting shafted if you ever die.
Look. I'm sorry, I just can't handle going to my grave knowing you would be with another man. You'll just have to be strong enough to raise the children yourself and keep my loving memory alive. Can I go watch the sports update now?