Skip to main content

Your Dog Crapping 8 Inches From The Side Of My House Is Not Okay. Really.

Remember my dear, sweet neighbor, Mary? Mary with the dog? Which is apparently old and blind and can't see where it's going but somehow manages to find itself two feet from our dining room window taking a doggie dump in our lawn even though Mary is standing right there holding on to the leash?

Hey, Mary. Um... I see that your dog is taking a dump. In our yard. Again. Next to the window well that's adjacent to the foundation of our house.

[yelling in crabby old lady form] He's BLIND!

Uh... okay. But. Um. Well, you're holding on to the leash. In your hand. And it kind of seems like you walk him right up our driveway and into our yard to do his business. Because I've watched you do it. A lot. Which, is, uh, kind of annoying.

[yelling in crabby old lady form] He's OLD!

Uh... okay. But. Um.... well, we really don't like all the dog crap in the front yard. It's kind of gross. And, well, it's kind of creepy to look out the window and see your head hovering six inches away from the window pane.

[muttering under her breath while pulling the old, blind dog with her] .... mutter, mutter, mutter....

Mary's Route.
I get that we once had a crazy, satanic dog that I was terrified would one day rip the face off an innocent bystander since she was content in ripping our house and all our belongings to shreds, but we got rid of that dog. My biggest frustration with our ex-dog was that she was a huge inconsideration to all the drivers who had to stop their cars before they ran her over in the street. I'd yell over and over: our dog should not negatively affect anybody else. Ever! And the dog is gone.

Which means now I get to be one of those people. Yep. The neighbor who hates strange dogs taking craps in her yard and really hates the inconsiderate owners who lead them there. Because Mary really has to take a bit of a hike to get right next to our house and so I think she does it on purpose.

In the off chance you think I'm over-reacting, and it's not really that big of a deal, here's some background information,  and here's a picture of Mary I took from the inside of my house:

Note how I could reach out and kiss her. Or punch her. Either or.

See, I wouldn't even mind so much if she brought her dog up to do its business between the road way and the tree (which is about the half way point of our yard). I don't like the kids playing on that side of the tree anyway because it's just too close to the road and I'd much rather them fall in the window wells than get hit by a car. Just my parental choice. That being said, while my kids are risking their lives near the window wells, I'd also really prefer them not actually step in dog shit just in case I have to rush them to the hospital with a broken ankle. I don't want to have to smell the dog crap smeared on the bottom of their shoes during the entire drive, know what I mean?

I'll admit our house is not the best looking on the block. It needs a lot of fixing up - and we'll get there, I promise (here's a hint: the exterior will be last) but in the meantime, could I at least ask that someone who has a dog not walk up and allow said dog to empty its bowels sixteen inches from the side of my house? Take the two foot strip from the curbing into our yard. Really. Go ahead and crap in the yard - just not right next to the house where the kids play.

Now, Mary knows better. I know she knows better because when she sees my car in the driveway she walks on the roadway and the dog dumps about a foot or two into our lawn. In the part the children are not allowed to play in. And I'm happy.

Yet, when she thinks I'm not home, she's way up next to the house again. I like to surprise her by knocking on the window and doing the what the hell is wrong with you, lady look, and watch as her eyes get huge and she starts pulling and tugging and dragging the dog off our lawn.

Anyway. A fun game which has developed from this annoyance is something we call Spotting Mary. This is where people I know are driving by and catch the inconsiderate woman and her dog in our yard and report back to me: hey, I saw that crazy lady and her dog in your yard today. What is up with her?! Or Dude! That crazy woman had her dog in your yard today. She was actually leaning against the side of your house while she waited on the dog! Or Man, the woman has balls! She was sitting on your steps while the dog took a shit in your lawn.

Today's winner is my sister who sent me this picture message along with a text explaining how she was driving by and saw the lady right up next to the dining room window and thought I am SO going to win today! So she quickly turned the car around, pulled over, grabbed her phone and snapped the photo. Unfortunately, by then the woman and the dog were leaving the lawn. Still, I believe my sister is the winner for the day.

Any suggestions on what to do about this?
Or is it really not that big of a deal and I should just let it go knowing the dog will die sooner or later?

(Oh. She also never picks up the dog crap. Ever. She doesn't even do the whole fake carry a plastic bag and act like you're bending down to pick it up but really leave it there thing. I mean, maybe if she tried.)


Anonymous said…
That really sucks. Another friend posted something similar in AZ. Fight fire with fire, even though two wrongs do NOT make a will only get worse unless you do a little something back.
Michelle said…
Pick up the dog crap every time she leaves it and take it over to her house. Ring the doorbell and when she answers tell her "I believe this belongs to you". Then turn and walk away. Whether you want to light it on fire first is totally up to you...
sue said…
i like Mmichelle's idea! seriously, who IS this woman?!
Becca said…
Get one of those doggie bag dispensers they have at public parks and hang it out the dining room window?

We had this guy who we called the unibomber because he TOTALLY WAS. Right down to the hoodie and the scruffy facial hair and sunglasses. The unibomber walks his dog by our house every evening and it poops in our grass EVERY TIME. He usually doesn't pick it up. We have not retaliated, short of passive aggressively comparing him to a domestic terrorist.
FabBecky said…
This is why I live way out in the country! All the dog crap (and diapers and food wrappers and whatever else the d@mn dog has dragged out of the garbage) belong to me.
Johi said…
Don't you have a baby? In diapers? Maybe leave the really good soiled ones outside of Mary's dining room window.
If she says anything to you, you say "He's a BABY!" or "What? He craps his pants!" in your best crabby old lady voice. Then do the two finger point to your eyes then point to her. I bet she'll get the hint.

P.S. If you do this~Please post pictures of this transaction.
Brenna said…
You are not overreacting. I don't think cultural mores are that different between the east coast and the middle of the country...wait, okay, maybe they are but on this matter they can't possibly be. It's not like you have the only grass on the block. I am totally dumbfounded.
Libby said…

this is how we handle this in NYC

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…