Thursday, July 23, 2009

Some things are better left unsaid.

V and I had yet another baby appointment yesterday. It was scheduled for 3:45 and I think we waiting about an hour. Lovely time, this waiting.

We had a loud-talker who insisted on conversing with her friend via her cell phone. We were all suddenly invited into her world where Shaina is going to get her ass kicked the second she gets out of jail, 'cuz she don't play that! Also, we're now very concerned because no one knows where Katie is - she might be in jail, too, but her brother isn't saying nothing.

Then came two teen-looking girls, each pushing a stroller containing a toddler along with two very active boys running circles around them. While Teen-Looking Mom #1 pushed her stroller up and down the hallways, Teen-Looking Mom #2 had her blood drawn. This left the second baby stroller (with the toddler still in it) pushed next to the water fountain with the poor child staring at the wall. While toddler was nervous and whimpered quite a bit, there never was a full out wail. The boys - about 4 & 5 years old - jumped from seat to seat... literally JUMPED from seat to seat, like they were frogs manuevering their way through lily pad world. When they were bored with that they went to the check-in counter and pulled out all the tissues one at a time from each tissue box. (There were three.) One punched the other one in the melon causing him to scream, "Knock it off or I'll kill you!" The receptionist looked frightened and afraid and decided not to actually make eye contact with the kids, much less tell them to sit down and be quiet; that this was not the way to behave in a waiting room.

Finally teen mom came back, oblivious to the fact that her boys were hanging from the suspended television in the corner of the room and that her little girl who had been held hostage in the stroller was already mentally preparing what to tell her therapist when she was old enough to pay for one. Teen-looking Mom #1 came back from hiding in the hallway with her baby and announced, "I hate going places with you 'cause you can't control your kids."

I glanced over at V and could tell he was busy pleading with God to please, please, pretty please don't give us a child like any of those....

The appointment took us to after closing time, so V and I walked out into a darkened waiting room and creepy dimly lit hall. A technician met up with us at the elevator and calmly asked when I was due. "Two more months," I answered proudly. After all, I am a warrior princess - this is a piece of cake! (Secretly I was a mess. I had come to this appointment planning on the doctor announcing there had been a mix-up on the due date and I was actually due today so let's induce immediately! She didn't do that. Not at all. In fact, she didn't even come close.)

"Oh." replied the tech cheerily. "So you're having twins!" Why does everybody say this?!

"Uh, no... just one."

"Really?" Why is she sounding so doubtful and looking at me like I'm a big liar?

"Yep. Just one."

"How many ultrasounds have you had?"

"Just the one... well, two - but the first one didn't really count because it was, like, still a yolk... but then the one at 20 weeks and it just showed just the one."


[crickets chirping]

"Does that happen often?"


"That people have twins after being told there's only one? .... Because I actually googled 'surprise twin births' but the results really focused on people that were initially told there was only one, but then later on at the 20 week ultrasound they were surprised to find there was two... "

"Well, yeah, it does happen sometimes."

"Like that, right - not like you're pushing out the baby and ready to relax and the doc's like, 'Woah! Hold on here - what the heck is this? Another one?!' "

"No. It happens like that too. It's not common, but I've actually been there when it has... [noting my blood rapidly draining from my face] ... but not here at this particular hospital."

V did cartwheels and handsprings to the car while yelling out such things like, "How cool would that be?!" and "Can you imagine? That'd be AWESOME!" He said other stuff, too, but I couldn't make it out while I was crawling across the parking lot trying not to have a panic attack.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Can it get any harder than this?

I've been forced into attending a baby shower that V's family insists on throwing. Keep in mind this is the warm fuzzy family that has made the following comments to me:

"We just don't think you really love V."
"If you don't get married in a Catholic church then you don't really love V."
"You're taking advantage of V."
"You're just using V for his money."
"If you and V really do get married, then your daughter will be the first grandchild - and K won't be anymore."
"Does V even get a vote?"
"You're taking V down."
"V should break up with you and date Sarah."
"Get back here! I'm not done with you yet!"

Yeah, they're a lovely bunch.

And so, although it is beyond painfully obvious that they would prefer if I were to get hit by the next Greyhound, they feel "social ettiquette" (their words, not mine) demands that a baby shower be thrown. Yippee us!

Months (and months and months) ago the question was asked: "What would you like for a baby shower?" After discussing with V we decided on a relaxed couples shower. This is my third child, but V's first - so I (along with my family and friends) have been there, done that. I really don't feel comfortable asking them to pony up for more baby stuff. But if V's family is all excited for the upcoming birth then I believe he should be there to experience it. (Let's be honest: like I'm really going to set myself up for abuse by going solo.)

So, months (and months and months) ago we answered: "A relaxed couples shower."

After being asked and explaining (without waivering) five - yes, FIVE more times... the Forced Shower is set for August 21st. A Friday night. At 6:00pm. Even though I work until 5:00pm and then have to get Dotter and usually don't even get home until 5:45pm.... but for this special event I'll be sure to dig into my vacation and personal time which I was going to save for maternity leave so I'd actually get paid while I was off recovering, but hey, since this is such a sweet gathering I'll do it!

Of course, one must understand that it's not common to have men at a baby shower [scoff here]. It's practically unheard of. They tried to warn us... but if this is what we really want, then I guess they have no choice. So it is now referred to as "That Couples Thing You Want For The Baby."

The next problem came with who to invite. As if I'm going to subject my friends and family to this. As I said - it's my third. But even if it was my first I would be smart enough to hold a seperate shower at a seperate (and secret) location. Again, insisting that "social ettiquette" requires that I invite my family, I've been told I must submit names and addresses. At this point I felt the need to point out that V's sister (who I used to think was the nice one) was not practicing social ettiquette when she freaked out in the WalMart checkout lane at us by screaming "When are you going to F-ing grow up?!" (She was upset about many things, one being he failed to call her 5 year old on her actual birthday and now the 5 year old was absolutely DEVASTATED!) V didn't think it was necessary to point out the inconsistencies of social ettiquette practice, so I just listened while he held his hand over my mouth.

As if that's not problem enough -- "What do you need for the baby?" was the next unanswered question. I know it sounds like an innocent question... but it's so not....

That's because we have everything. Honestly. I have an AMAZING friend who was so unbelievably gracious -- we have all that we could need. Honestly. The only thing I'm going to get is a crib set (bedding) at IKEA if we can ever get down there and some onesies.

I should preface this with I'm way too practical at this point in my life. After having two I understand that a newborn is not in need of sixteen pairs of shoes and forty-seven outfits. Cletus the Fetus will need onesies and the little leggings/yoga pants and a couple pairs of socks. We don't even need twelve sleeper sets and/or gowns... have you ever slept in a long sleeved onesie and yoga pants? Completely comfy!

We don't want to be inundated with a hundred plastic rattles. Satan will destroy those in two seconds anyway. We're big fans of simplicity. Look around your house and you'll find plenty of baby funness. You know those fluffy cloth books for babies? Put a couple pot holders together and attach them together with a ribbon... instant baby book. And when baby is done drooling on them you can still use them in the kitchen!

And so the answer, unfortunately is that we need diapers, baby wipes and probably some baby butt creme. I've got sensitive skin so we're stocked with baby wash and baby powder. Sorry to disappoint. And disappoint we did. "So you just want me to tell everyone to get you a gift card for WalMart? Oh, that'll be fun." (But you asked what we needed...)

And so V, after many l-o-n-g minutes of criticism, uh, I mean, conversation - agreed to go "register" so people knew what to bring.

When we were alone I asked him what his plan was. If we registered and people bought stuff that we just took back to the store, weren't they going to notice if we're using a different boppy than the one they bought us?

V just looked at me and said pointedly: "We're going to register at Target for diapers and baby wipes." Oh-KAY! (This is going to be a really fun Forced Couples Thing For The Baby!)