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Showing posts from July 11, 2010

Negative, Facebook Request.

Remember when I had to beg and plead for my second grader to attend a private Christian school? And the Chairperson of the School Board really didn't want us there because I am the epitome of sin? And they made me feel like crap but it was really important to Dotter so I sucked it up and didn't say anything (except in my trademark passive aggressive snarky commentary on my blog)?

I mean, it was bad enough that I was unacceptable by Christian School standards, what with all my out-of-wedlock  children, and living in sin, and swearing and stuff. I admit to all of that. But Dotter didn't do any of that. In fact, she tells me all the time how I shouldn't swear because it's bad and I could go to "the opposite of Heaven." Anyway. Remember how I thought it wouldn't be a big deal that my non-cussing, non-hussy 7-year old attend a school where she would learn about love and forgiveness and grace and peace and the unending limits of God's love and understa…

Collection Calls

I hate answering the phone in our office.

What irritates me further is when I answer the phone and it's not even work related at all, rather some collection agency looking for some woman who obviously had issues paying her bills but who does not work here. For the first year I tried to be helpful explaining this was a second line in an office we recently acquired; that this is a business and that woman doesn't work here; that it's been over a year and we've never heard of this person and perhaps it's about time to update your stupid records and how did you get this job anyway if you can't even do something as simple as update your records to show this lady is not here. You know, helpful things like that.

Seriously, people. It's been over a year of this nonsense. It's time to have a little fun with this.

Telemarketer:  "Hello, is Barbara there, please?"

Me: "Oh my god! Barbara?! You mean -- you didn't hear?"

T: "I'm sorr…

Rules to Live By

Everyone has Life Rules they live by. I have Life Rules I live by. To me, they're less general guidelines and more black & white unalterable restrictions. And they're not some willy-nilly nonsense; these are based on actual childhood experience. I know what works and I know what doesn't. And that's just how it should be. So, here I will let you into just a couple of my Life Rules just in case you need help determining yours.

1.) Never open an exterior door after dusk for longer than two seconds. A bat could fly in and wreck havoc in your home. Your kids will be scared to pieces thinking they're all going to die of rabies and demand to sleep on your bedroom floor and your father will wake you up in the middle of the night by stepping on your face as he tries to smash the rabid bat with a broom and you'll never, ever get the sound of a shrieking bat, nor the image of a middle-aged man jumping & swatting over your face wearing only tighty-whiteys out of yo…

Has Anyone Seen the Baby?

To be fair, we did not just leave him on the park bench. We remembered to take him home. (Third Child Syndrome)