Friday, July 23, 2010

Get Your Schnitz Outta My Ear

In an effort to drum up new readers, today's blog post will feature some of the Greatest Women in the State. They could up their title coverage to Greatest Women in the World if they ever bothered to read this blog; but let's not go there. I'm still not over the trauma of learning they'd rather have real relationships with real people rather than read my blog.

The only exception is Sue. Sue reads my blog. But, let's be honest. That's because she stays home with her two small children every single blessed day and the weather hasn't been condusive to outdoor playdates, so she can't have real relationships with real people. She can only be a mom. So, to escape that hard truth she can either read my blog or drink large quantities of wine. Perhaps she does both. But the most important detail is that she actually reads my blog. That's why I love her. I also love her because she's my cousin. But mostly because she reads my blog. (Even if she is drunk when she reads it.)

This is Sue. Sue is the size of my left thigh. But I won't hold the fact that I can never take advantage of borrowing her wardrobe against her. (I don't want to lose readership.) She makes homemade soup and allows her children to use glitter and glue inside the house. She also lets them use play dough. For this reason alone I consider her my personal hero.

This is Beth. Beth is the most confident, positive person I know. She is who she is and makes no qualms about it. Beth will say grace before a meal in a public restaurant. She also travels with a fart machine which she will gladly use at any moment (like when someone's husband calls). Beth goes on dates with her husband. I like that about her. She also takes her kids out to search for toads after a rainstorm. I think it's pretty obvious that is something I will never do.

This is Margaret. Margaret comes from one of those ginormous families that talk and laugh and eat really great food. She makes the best tiramisu on the face of the planet. Seriously. Just writing that added 5 pounds to my thighs. Margaret has the most gracious, giving heart but I'm not sure she knows it. She will do the most amazing, selfless things ever and truly just believes it's no big deal. The world would be such a better place if we were all a little more like Margaret. She also drinks wine. And I like me my wine drinkin' friends!

This is Jane and Jill. Jane has the same birthday as me. Normally I'd be upset and pout because I had to share my special day (middle child syndrome) but I don't mind sharing with Jane because she happens to be one of the coolest people I've ever met. She never stops laughing. Ever. Jane gave her husband a Speedo as a gift (and he wears it). This alone explains why Jane is the bomb. She is also incredibly athletic and will do things like wake up at 5am and walk 47 miles because she wanted to and not because anyone put a gun to her head and forced her. I tried walking next to her once and she almost gave me a heart attack because that woman doesn't walk; she runs. And that's not fair to do that to a sloth-like creature such as myself.

Jill is like Southern Hospitality sprinkled with Wisconsin Raucous. She says things like testicles and snatch, which is okay  because she taught sex ed. (Although I don't believe snatch is the official term.) I don't like to stand next to Jill because she looks like she stepped out of a magazine and never has anything out of place. Ever. She is always perfectly coiffed and styled all. the. time. The really upsetting part about this is she doesn't even try. Jill tells great stories. Really great stories. The kind that leave you wiping tears they're so funny. Everyone should have a friend like that.

This is Kelly. Kelly has the most amazing hair on the planet. People pay thousands of dollars a year in the hopes to get close to achieving hair like hers and she just wakes up with it. Kelly is also incredibly insightful and wise, and super fun and has this great laugh that makes you want to be part of who she is. She told a story that actually included the sentence, "Sir, please get your schnitz outta my ear!" I still haven't recovered.

Last night the seven of us went out to dinner. Someone probably should've forewarned the restaurant but then again, we like surprise attacks. I suppose there are some mothers that would judge us as being selfish for going out to eat while our children were home hovering in the corner of the basement waiting out the latest tornado scare, but in our defense, the sirens didn't go off until after we had already departed for our destination.

The group. Looking surprisingly well behaved.

I think it should be a requirement to
laugh this hard
at least once a month.
It's so good for the soul.
Jill, suddenly on her best behavior,
right after yelling Snatch!
(Oh, how that video camera changes everything.)
Jane continues to collect video blackmail.

Caught on camera:
the singing of Happy Birthday at another table.
What's the big deal, you ask?
Well, seems this particular restaurant chain
refused to sing Happy Birthday to Jane's daughter
because it was "against their policy."


Justin said...

So, on the whole Happy B-day is probably against their policy. Happy Birthday is copywritten, so public performance of it is subject to licensing costs. That's why restaurants usually make up their own little birthday songs. It doesn't excuse them from being inconsistent with their policy though.

On a separate note, you and your friends are entirely too pretty and wonderful and are the kind of people that make me throw up in my mouth a little from their perfectness. ;)

sue said...

Love the recap, loved the night! So much fun, I haven't laughed that hard or long in a while...probably since we all got together at Jane's for margaritas. :) For the record, i loyally read your blog because you're very talented and hilarious and you crack me up. It's definitely not for lack of relationships with real people, don't sell yourself short my dear!! Now i must round up the tots and go throw them in the pool. Love ya!

Jane Palmer said...

After reading these posts the last months, this one tops the cake. What a great night! I am honered to have such wonderful women in my life. snatch, testicles, wine, great food, laughs = great friends. Love you all! Jane

Jane Palmer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
angie said...

dear bridget,
i am sue's sister-in-law (married to dave). she told me about your blog after i commented on her new facebook profile pic. i linked up, and i don't have the courage to tell you how many hours (yes, HOURS) i have spent so far this weekend reading through it.
hysterical. that's what you are.
if it doesn't creep you out too much, i'm pretty sure i'm your newest regular reader.
thanks for all the distractions from boring things like cleaning my house and planning dinner!

Phoenix Rising said...

Thank you, everyone! And WELCOME, Angie (you didn't creep me out too much).

@Justin - sorry we made you throw up, but they are a pretty good group of gals! I always wondered why restaurants made up their own versions of Happy Birthday. I thought they just wanted to be 'cutting edge' - who knew?! (Well, except you!)