Not What Martha Would Do

We have a rule in our house that before a friend comes over or before you go to a friend's house, your room must be clean. The problem with this rule is that 9 times out of 10 I'm sitting at my desk in another town when the Bean calls up to excitedly ask if she can go to so-and-so's house, assuring me her room is most definitely clean. Then, when I get home and open the door, I realize I've been snowed. Again. She comes home, I yell, she giggles and says something like, "well, I didn't know you were going to actually check."

I know. The gall, right? Except she's snowed me over at least 27 times already so you think I'd be smart enough pick up on it. Hello! She's 15! She has no intention whatsoever of actually cleaning her room. I swear I'm as clueless now as I was in high school. (I swear I had no idea people were drinking vodka out of their McDonald's cups during those football games.)

Well, I'm not letting this little 15-year old punk get the best of me! No-siree! (The devil dog has that job.) So after the most recent snow job I informed her that not only would she be cleaning that room of hers, she'd be doing the laundry, too! (See how I did that? I turned it around - turned it into something that would benefit ME! Oh, yeah! Who's in charge now, kiddos?!)

I imagined coming home from work with piles of neatly folded towels, coordinated by size and color, just like Martha Stewart would do. I imagined crisply folded t-shirts, a spotless laundry room floor and angels singing in the background.

In all actuality, when I arrived home there were no angels singing. There weren't any piles of completed laundry either.

"Um, so, Bean. How's the laundry coming along?"

"Fine.

"Good. Good. Yeah, that's good. But, uh, where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"The laundry."

"Oh. It's in the dryer."

"Is it, uh, dry?"

"No, but I think there's something wrong with the dryer because I've had to turn it on like four times and it's still not dry." [In her defense, the dryer has been acting a little wonky.]

"Is it set to delicate?"

"No, mom. Gawd, I know how to do laundry. Duh."

"Where's the load that was already in the dryer?"

"What?"

"There was a load already in the dryer. In fact, it had been sitting in there for the past three days. Every morning I'd reach in and grab something to wear. So, where is that load?"

* crickets chirping *

"Bean. Where is the load of dry clothes that were sitting in the dryer before you did laundry?"

* more crickets chirping *

"THERE WERE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER. WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"

"I already told you - they're not dry yet. Gawd!"

"Did you just restart the dry clothes already in there?"

"No! Gawd!"

"Good, because those were dry three days ago. Now, where did those clothes go?"

* damn crickets *

"Did you do ANY laundry today?"

"YES! I DID! I SWEAR! PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PHONE AWAY!"

(Remember when we were kids and it was more like, "please don't beat me with that yardstick again!" oh, how times have changed.)

"Ok. Let's start from the beginning. ... Did you put any clothes inside the washing machine and turn it on?"

"Yes."

"After those clothes that you put inside the washing machine were done being washed, what did you do with them?"

"I put them in the dryer."

"Ok. Now, before you put the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer, what did you do with the clothes that were already sitting in the dryer?"

* here come those crickets again *

"Bean... what. did. you. do. with. the. clothes. that. were. already. sitting. in. the. dryer?"

"I left them in there."

"You left them in there? As in, you actually stuffed a full load of wet clothes in the dryer on top of a load of already dry clothes because you were too lazy to take them out and deal with them?!"

"NO! I didn't 'stuff a full load' in with the dry clothes ... gawd!... they wouldn't all fit, so I only put half the load in."