Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Rules to Live By

Everyone has Life Rules they live by. I have Life Rules I live by. To me, they're less general guidelines and more black & white unalterable restrictions. And they're not some willy-nilly nonsense; these are based on actual childhood experience. I know what works and I know what doesn't. And that's just how it should be. So, here I will let you into just a couple of my Life Rules just in case you need help determining yours.

1.) Never open an exterior door after dusk for longer than two seconds. A bat could fly in and wreck havoc in your home. Your kids will be scared to pieces thinking they're all going to die of rabies and demand to sleep on your bedroom floor and your father will wake you up in the middle of the night by stepping on your face as he tries to smash the rabid bat with a broom and you'll never, ever get the sound of a shrieking bat, nor the image of a middle-aged man jumping & swatting over your face wearing only tighty-whiteys out of your head and you'll have to go to therapy and it's just not worth it so keep the door closed.

2.) Grown men should always wear underwear under shorts. Because let's say you don't, and your ten-year old granddaughter is sitting across from you at a barbeque and while you're tipping back another Foster's in that lawn chair of yours, your bored out of her gourd granddaughter is looking at you and then says to herself what the heck is that thing sticking out of grandpa's shorts? and she still can't figure it out so she enlists the help of a slightly older relative and learns that's what male genitalia looks like. And she's grossed out and will never get that image out of her mind ever and will have to go to therapy and it's just not worth it so keep it locked up, boys.

3.) Make sure your shoes are tied all the time. If they have laces they should be laced up. Period. Let's say you're wandering around a very busy airport at a very young age during a very lengthy layover and you decide to ride up and down the escalators while your dad boozes it up in the airport bar and your laces are untied and the escalator grabs your laces and starts twisting your shoe and your sister screams because she thinks you're being eaten alive and strangers have to come to your rescue to save your life and you're stuck walking in half a shoe for the rest of the trip. Not good, right? So keep 'em laced up.

4.) Never light candles. Ever. But especially on that cottonish-fake-snow-with-tacky-glitter stuff people put on their antique buffet tables at Christmas time. Because once that stuff catches fire the flames are HUGE and no amount of Kool-Aid you throw on it is going to help and then you have to explain to your mother why the wall is covered in soot and the antique buffet table she was in love with is more or less kindling and how come you weren't able to get her a Christmas gift because you were busy battling a forest fire in her dining room. Trust me, she'd much rather have had a noodle necklace. Just don't light the candles, ok?

There's plenty more... but I thought I'd start off slow, so as not to scare you off...

3 comments:

Brenna said...

This is hilarious! I've had experience #2, though I don't remember - yes! It was my step-grandfather. Quiver. In 8th grade I accidentally lit my bed on fire. That left a mark.

Anonymous said...

OK - so I know about two of the four - That means I'm only aware of half the stuff you kids did/got into - very scarry !! On the other hand, perhaps I don't really want to know about the other 50%. Suffice it to say you all survived childhood (missing an appendage, but survived)

Rebecca said...

I need to share #2 with my hubby. Maybe if I tell him he doesn't want to make some poor child go through therapy for years, he'll change his wardrobe habits...