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Showing posts from July 4, 2010

Did Someone Lose an Appendage?

When I was 14-years old I woke up and found an arm laying on the bed next to me.

It was an uneventful evening, I'm sure, mostly  because I was a dorky 14-year old who wore purple plastic framed glasses à la Sally Jessy Raphael. I didn't do much of anything. Ever. Except sit all angsty and moody in my room, wondering why I resembled more of a zoo animal and nothing at all like the girls on the cover of Seventeen. And also I hadn't started boozing it up at that stage in my life, so really I'm pretty certain I had spent the evening watching the Cosby Show and picking fights with my siblings. Then I went to bed. Completely sober.

My eyes fluttered awake, my bedroom washed in the soft pinks of an early sunrise. *sigh* Another ordinary, uneventful day I thought, turning my head to the left to see what time was displayed on my alarm clock.

And that's when I saw it. Holy shit! What the hell is that?! IT'S A FREAKING HAND!! (Sorry for cussing in my thoughts, Mom. I did…

Could he be hungry?

Does this make my butt look big?

A while ago the family and I went to get our pictures taken. This was somewhat of a big deal in and of itself because we've never had our photos professionally taken before. I'm not a big fan of the posed. Or trying to figure out coordinated outfits. Or the anxiety-ridden drive filled with "don't touch your hair - we're going to have to brush it again" and "stop licking your lips - they're going to look chapped" and "why did you make your sister cry? Now she's got puffy eyes and snot running down to her chin." Also, my only experience with Family Portraits was at one of those - you know - mall stores, where thirteen different families wait in what looks to be a closet at the rear of the store. Not fun.

But we went... why? Because the pictures were FREE! And I never pass up free stuff. And they were done by a real professional photographer. The kind that had his own studio (which included a kitchen set because he was currently work…