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Showing posts from June 28, 2009

Oh, so THAT'S how it works....

I forced Big V to watch an episode of MTV's "16 and Pregnant" because, as I explained, "eventually she gives birth and you need to see it." Quietly he took in the doofus boyfriend who failed to say anything even remotely intellegent, the swoony girlfriend who truly believed they were soul mates, and the can't-quite-deal-with-this mother, who spent the episode cussing out her son and yelling such things as "if you would've just kept it in your pants and not knocked up some girl you wouldn't BE in this situation" in front of the girlfriend. (yes, Awkward!)

About midway through the episode, during a 38 second clip showing the girl pushing, face contorted, knees yanked up to her ears, out pops this blicky-covered baby with a head the size of a cantelope. Knowing that I've got a beefy fetus that continues to expand in leaps and bounds I turn to V and frantically announce "Did you see that? Did you SEE how big that head was? There's …

Sometimes Less is Better Than More

The doctor took a long time listening to the baby's heartbeat at the last doctor's visit. A very long time. What was odd was that it wasn't one of those "don't panic but oh my god she can't find the heartbeat" kind of moments. It was more of a "Wow! There it is - nice and strong!" and yet there she was, instrument in hand, swirling and moving it over my exposed abdomen to listen to what? More heartbeats? Different ones? Faster... Slower... first on the left side... now on the right...

Big V and I exchanged looks... mine of panic... his of excited anticipation... and for what seemed like hours (but was probably more like two minutes) we waited silently as the noise of horses galloping took over the exam room.

Finally the Doc straightened up, smiled, and announced, "Nope. Only one in there!" (V was heartbroken; I relieved.)

My little Cletus the Fetus is such an acrobat that s/he wouldn't sit still and confused the doctor with its little…

I'm just sayin'....

Gentlemen: If you smell like an overflowing ashtray that's been forgotten for the past week, you smell wrong. Women will not want to get close to you and cuddle... at least not the ones you're daydreaming about.

I have a secret...

Secretly I wish I was put on bed rest so I could spend my day with my computer, internet connection, and television remote control.


oh, snap! Thought I sent that to postsecret.com

The Difference Between the Two

I know, I know... you're skin is probably crawling in withdrawal! It's been quite awhile since my last post, but that's what happens when one suffers from a full social life. What can I say, it's a curse!

The Bean was at sleepaway camp this past week. Watching her pack was like watching Private Benjamin prepare for a week in the woods: new gold flip-flops with little heels on them, twelve different shades of lip gloss, hair dryer, curling iron, straightener... I asked if she remembered her swim suit and towel and was met with the scowel of a lifetime: "We don't swim, mom. Our hair will get ruined." Since I am Mom and therefore all-knowing and right all of the time, she ended up packing her suit. "So," I started, chest puffed out in righteousness. "Did you wear the suit?" "Yes, mom, okay? I did wear the suit - but only to stick my feet in the pool. I wasn't going to mess up my hair. Do you even realize how long it takes me to do…