Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Which reminds me...

I used a word in a recent post that got me thinking....

Years ago I started dating this guy. It was relatively early in our relationship when I accompanied him to a game night one of his friends was hosting. It would be the first time meeting this friend, and all other friends that were going to be there. I was nervous, but friendly, and was able to relax and enjoy the evening.

We started playing Catch Phrase... a game where you use words and examples to get your team to describe a particular word. It was my new boyfriend's turn. While I was not on his team, I was able to listen firsthand to every thing said and suggested.

"... uh, Phoenix has these... uh.... they're small... uh, not big.... "

(oh yes, the guessing went straight to boobs.)

"... uh, you know, they're small - not big..."

(yeah, yeah, we get it. I have small tits. Do we really need to do this?)

I was getting more and more red... the guests starting to look more and more uncomfortable...

Meanwhile the boyfriend knows time is quickly ticking away so he becomes louder and more animated in his quest to win:

"She's got two of these - small - not big - rounded - but just a little bit...."

They start giving timid, pity guesses: "Small thighs?" "Small hands?" "Small toes?"

"Come on, guys! Think! Round... Small... She's got two of these... They're not big..."

And the room is silent. No one is guessing anymore.

The girls are drinking from their wine glasses non-stop, unwilling to participate in whatever is happening; the guys are looking awkardly around the room, suddenly interested in the ceramic rooster sitting on an end table.

But the boyfriend is completely unaware, yelling "ROUNDED! SMALL! SHE'S GOT TWO OF THEM! THEY'RE SMALL!"

I want to crawl in a hole and die....

Thank gawd the timer FINALLY went off and the boyfriend - completely exasperated, throws up his hands and yells, "MOUNDS! Come on, guys! The word was MOUND!"

After several hours of awkwardness (ok, it was probably only two seconds, but it felt like forever) one of the guys spoke up: "baseball. the pitcher stands on it."

(Reflecting back after our failed two year relationship, I would label this event as "Red Flag #1.")

Money brings you THIS?!

Sometimes I wish I was wealthy and had as much money as the majority of the people have that live in this municipality in which I work... but then I see something on one of those really nice, expensive estates and it makes me realize if I was wealthy, I might have to spend my money on things like this:

And I just can't be doing that.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

27 dresses... that won't fit until I lose this baby weight...

So, twenty-seven it is. Weeks, that is. That means I have thirteen left. Thirteen doesn't sound too bad, but then I do that thing where I multiply it by seven, because that's how many days are in each one of those thirteen weeks I still have to endure, and I come up with ninety-one. Ninety-one: now, that's downright rediculous.

I'm told Cletus the Fetus is now about the size of a 2-pound pot roast. Knowing this disturbs me because when I look down at my Baby Mound (we surpassed 'Baby Bump' quite awhile ago) I know there is no possible way this could fit into any crockpot.

As tempted as I am to issue an eviction notice to the hyper rockstar that's constantly jamming out in my womb, I guess I'm committed to my original 40-week lease. (Cletus has the option of vacating the premises earlier, but must give at least seven days notice so I can prepare. And my internal organs best be in the same shape they were when s/he arrived!)

Too Hot to Handle

I wish I had something witty and humorous to say. It might just put me in a better mood. I wish I had something surly to say, at least it would mean my brain is functioning.

A pet peeve of mine is the "gotta complain about the weather" people. (As if we had any control!) But today I have joined their ranks. It's hot. And I mean HOT!

95 degrees.
45% humidity.
So it feels like 102 degrees.
There's currently one of those severe weather alerts that tells us to check on the elderly and make sure our pets don't overheat.

The air conditioner in the house went out.
The air conditioner in my car is not up to snuff (and we're going to the mall tonight in an attempt to cram my preggo bod into a dress that passes as 'Formal' for Friday's wedding).

Not only did I have to try to sleep in this heat (which wasn't succesful), and not only did I have to drive to work with the windows down, hot air lapping around my face, but the air in the office went out.

As in O-U-T!

As in my sweat is sweating. As in my head is spinning and I can't focus and I'm about to pass out. As in it's 90 degrees in our office and there isn't the slightest air movement.

I'm going to die.

Seriously.

I hate this weather.

(But I am looking forward to going home because the AC Repair Man fixed it today. As of 2:45pm my home was a cool 78 degrees.... I CAN'T WAIT!)

Oh - I lied. With the heat index it feels like 105 degrees. That's what the guy on the radio just announced....