Monday, May 4, 2009

I honestly feel that for some people they truely do love each other - they just don't know HOW to love each other. I'm not sure why though. Because both people could go and find someone else and live okay together. It's almost like they settle for the easy way out.

I wish I could think of an analogy... Maybe, like, I love roasted duck... orange duck - whatever. I love it. I love the taste, the texture, the everything about it... but I don't know how to cook it. I don't know how to make it right. I've tried and I've failed. Over and over and each time I think I've got it, but then, when I taste it it's just not quite what I imagined, so I'm disappointed. I don't want to be disappointed anymore - so I stick with Hamburger Helper. I mean, it's good, you know. It's tasty. It's easy - I have no trouble browning the meat and tossing in the water and milk and prepackaged parts... it's alright... I don't hate it or anything... but it's no roasted duck.

So... why don't I continue to try cooking the duck until I get it right? It's hard work.

Someone said to me, "Relationships are not meant to be hard... if you have to work at it, then it's not meant to be."

I don't know if I really agree with that. I think, sure, if only ONE person is always doing all the work, then, yeah, it's way too one-sided, and that's not fair. But what if both of you are wanting to work at it and neither knows how? Someone has to be the rock, the anchor... someone (or both) has to figure out what to do. All that takes work - hard work. So if you don't know how, then do you just give up? I don't know about that.

I think that even if I found someone and we meshed pretty well together, our relationship always be testing us. We'd still have to figure out how to disagree, how to ask for what we want, how to be ourselves and fit the other person into our life... Nothing is ever "done". It's not like "Oh! We're boyfriend and girlfriend now... sweet! The class is over - it's smooth sailing from here on out!"

I do believe that love is a choice.

Seriously - now this is going to sound so demented.... but, bare with me - I could just be suffering from a low sugar level... but hear me out just in case part of it makes any sense:

Think of an arranged marriage. Assuming the person is of average looks... Not supermodel... and not butt-ugly... somewhere in between. Pretty average, but has their good days in that they clean up nicely. (Someone like ME!) Ok. Anyway. So your sister and your mother say, "Son, here is the woman who is going to be in your life. Have at it!"

You know nothing about her. But it's an arranged marriage. You're not going to get out of it so quickly. So, you choose to work at it. And it's hard, because this chick has issues and quirks that you're like, "What is THAT about?" But it's a choice. And one day, without even knowing what has happened exactly, you look over at her and she's laughing and you just think, "wow, she's beautiful..."

You chose to work at it. You could have chosen to not work at it and walk away. You could have sulked like a child and said, "this is NOT what I wanted" and been miserable the rest of your life.

Anyone can choose to continue to love each other and in whatever way they're most comfortable with.

Anyone can choose to walk away and pretend the other person never existed in their life.

Anyone can choose to remain just a friend.

Anyone can choose to fight like mad.

Anyone can choose to be psychotic and obsessive and stalk the other like crazy.

Anyone can choose to continue to be there for the other in the hopes that one day they'll look at you and finally think, "wow - they are beautiful."

My point is this: I need to do everything that I choose to do in a way that I can be proud of. That way, if it doesn't work, I know I did my best at that time. The one thing I do not want to do is travel down the roads of my life wishing I could go back and say this or say that. I do not want to regret not doing anything and just being passive.

it was nice out... wasn't it?

Finally a weekend with weather worth hailing! As in "hailing in praise" not "hailing the size of golf balls" which at this point would not have surprised me. But no, it was actual, real, nice, sunny, warm weather. The kind that you picture yourself sitting on your front steps reading a book for hours while the kids race up and down the sidewalk. Ahh...

That is until you try to shove in a bridal shower, the Bean babysitting, Dotter complaining that she's bored and has no one to play with, twelve loads of laundry unearthed from the children's rooms, dishes that weren't done since Wednesday, a flooding window well, a quite unhelpful downspout requiring the drastic measure of digging a trench and burying drain tile, the Bean heading off to her dad's with the grand notion that she'll get HIM to take her to the mall to spend every last penny of the babysitting money she earned since I NEVER do anything for her. EVER.

The dog puked. A few times. In the house. Because she keeps feasting on grass. Speaking of which, the lawn guy I hired to cut the lawn has yet to show up and now it looks like we live in the middle of a hay field. I ran out of saline solution and the only way to get the contacts out was to take a trip to the 24-hour WalMart (the least of my favorite places at 9:45 at night). Bean complained about dinner because it was GROSS. Dotter sucked up over dinner and said it was the best EVER! Sibling Conflict #48 of the weekend broke out... and I ran to the safety of the basement under the guise of folding laundry and if anyone wanted to help they could feel free, otherwise their safety was in their own hands. (No one helped me, by the way.)

Big V complained that he was undercharging something on a job and believed that I must have the secret recollection in my memory of what was missing... and was completely frustrated when I couldn't figure out why on a $1200 job he could only come up with $1050 worth of fees and now he's just going to have to eat the difference because I can't help figure it out. The girls argued over who was going to take a shower first. Over who did more chores. Over who has more money saved in their bank account. The dog peed. A few times. In the house.

I lost yet another casserole dish. I'm beginning to think when the Bean doesn't feel like scrubbing she simply tosses glassware into the garbage. I am currently down a 9x13 clear casserole dish, an 8x8 white casserole dish, and a small clear mixing bowl. We ran out of Kool-aid and you would have thought the end of the world was announced. This required a special trip to the local Piggly Wiggly - which Big V gallantly announced HE would go and get because he could see I was really busy. So, while I put Kid 1 in one corner and Kid 2 in another he escaped to the glorious aisles of the grocery store, complete with piped in Muzak and the soft humming of flourescent lighting. I was so jealous.

Some special quotes of the weekend:

"Mom, I'm not sure if this is throw up or dog poop."
"All I need is a bra and no one will tell me where one is!"
"Who cares if ants get on it? It's not like it'll kill you."
"Why do you only cook us gross food?"

Needless to say, I'm going to enjoy the peace of the office this Monday morning....