Friday, May 29, 2009

Get a clue!

If you reek of alcohol at 2:00 in the afternoon - EVERY afternoon - you drink too much.

If you have alcohol oozing from your pores and you haven't even broken a sweat - you drink too much.

If you ask for cologne for your birthday and people give you bottles of scotch because that's what they think you wear - you drink too much.

Thank you, Mr. Drunk Guy, for entertaining me this afternoon. It almost made me forget about Ms. Inconsiderate who hacked in my face - no worries; she stated she wasn't sick. She just has allergies and coughs a lot. I think she should have just apologized, but apparently when you explain your allergic-cough condition it absolves you from following proper health and hygiene ettiquette. But I digress....

I was thanking you, Mr. Drunk Guy, for coming in and taking the time to slobplain (that's my made up word for "pathetically slobbering through an explanation") that you have to park your green cadillac in our municipal lot because your driveway is now too short ever since the public works guys came and paved your street. I didn't try to help you much not because I didn't like you, but because I figured you wouldn't kill that many families drunk-walking home. While you were talking I secretly wondered how many times you'd fall wandering back home... I also secretly wondered how many times you'd fall while attempting to stand on the opposite side of my desk. I started getting dizzy watching you sway from side to side and your fumes were making me nauseous... but luckily you left...

After I Lysol the hell out of the office and open the windows to allow some fresh air in, I may just go let the air out of your tires so you can't come back and drive... although given your condition, I doubt you'll recall where you left your car, let alone why.

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