Stumbling Towards Perfect

While Big V was working, I hung out with 4 men in my bathroom. I tried to get them to clean the toilet and mop the floors but they wanted nothing to do with that. Instead, we were all gathered together to perform some sort of meeting of the minds. A couple weeks ago, after sobbing hysterically that I was going to murder someone if I had to live one more blasted day with this bathroom inquiring about the remodeling process , I met with Dan from Stebnitz Builders  for what was called a Feasibility Walkthrough. This was when Dan was forced to listen to me ramble on non-stop about what I wanted to do with the house. I want to take this wall down and put one up over here and add lights there and win the lottery and lose ten pounds and have French doors open into a home office. Then Dan looked at me and said something along the lines of you need to fix that leak in the main bath before your whole house falls apart due to water damage . Since he's the professional, I f...

Some time ago I posted that Big V went grocery shopping with me and screwed the whole $80 per week grocery budget up by tossing boxes of Hostess Twinkies in the cart. Since then people have begged me to let them in on my secret: how do I feed a family of five on only $80 a week? Simple. I starve them. That way the children don't grow as fast and I don't have to keep buying them new clothes. And also then everyone is really lethargic and I don't have to take them to places like carnivals and fairs. Do you know how expensive those places can be for a family of five? I want cotton candy! I want to ride the ferris wheel! Geesh, you could spend a fortune in no time. I'm kidding. I don't starve my family. Although throughout the majority of the month both girls will have you convinced we have absolutely no food in the house. (What they really mean is that we don't have bags of cheese puffs and boxes of Oreos free for the taking.) I could try to convince you ...

As you know, I posted yesterday . I shared this text I received from my 15-year old daughter. And you people wanted more. Is that text even real? Why on earth did she ask that? Where was she when she asked that? Did you even reply? What on earth did you say? So, because it's obvious I'm the only person in the entire world who has a child like this and you are all captivated in this unique species, I shall now give you more. I don't blame you; it's how I am with conjoined twins. I'm absolutely fascinated with how they manage to adapt in order to function successfully in life. I was sitting at my desk at work when the text came in. The time was 12:07pm.  After reading the text, and subsequently requesting assistance in lifting my head up from my desk, I responded with a series of text message replies because I believe it's important to 'keep the lines of communication open' even if it kills me. " I would think the tampon would expand once ...

Here is a text message I received from the Bean today. If you are a guy & ur at a party & someone takes a tampon & soaks it in alcohol & shoves it up ur... u know.. Can u die? I am currently accepting donations to be used towards a nice, long quiet vacation without children. Or the co-pay needed for the mental institution.

We lost the baby's shoes. His only pair. Gone. We looked everywhere. In the closets, under the beds, in the toy box, in the kitchen cabinets. The kid is mobile and loves to put his shoes on and take them off. In fact, he takes them off every single time we're in the car. So we looked in both vehicles. Under the seats. Under the car seat. Nothing. I've asked the girls to look in their rooms. And look in their rooms again. Especially the Bean. She can be, oh, how shall I say this? A disastrous housekeeper. She could have a live warthog in her bedroom and I'd never find it. So I really zoned in on the Bean. Did you look in your room? I mean, really look. Like, under things? Behind things? And still nothing. Last night I was on a mission to find those shoes. I cleaned. I organized. I set about mumbling passive comments loud enough for everyone to hear.   I'm going to be so pissed, Bean, if I look in your room and find them! Okay. Perhaps not so pas...

I don't normally write about work because I'm afraid I'll get fired and let's be honest: (1) I need the health insurance, and (2) I'm not nearly as clever as Dooce  and will probably never turn my firing into a multi-million dollar empire, so I was taking quite a chance yesterday by  unlocking the secrets of the office freezer. Imagine my shock (and slight horror) when, at lunch today, the boss stands up, goes to the freezer, opens it, and announces something along the lines of look at all these decrepit bananas; I shall, upon my most immediate convenience, take them home and bake them into a tasty banana bread for all to enjoy. Say what?! I sat dazed and confused, convinced I had been exposed and surely would be fired for my satirical view of the beloved freezer. She continued to announce the 4-year old popsicles ought to be dumped. Take a look at our newly cleaned freezer: The brick of butter is still there. And, so far, I'm still employed here. So, ...

Lean Cuisine and Sandwiches . Obviously, it's someone's lunch. Obviously, it's not mine since it isn't piping hot and sitting in a take-out container. We also find an old banana that someone just couldn't dare part with. A box of French Fries . We don't have a deep fryer, but I'm sure thawed out at room temperature those babies are tasty. Ice cubes . Only one person uses ice cubes in the office. They must be prepared. Cake . Trust me on this one: cake tastes better frozen. Popsicles . No one actually eats these popsicles. At least, no one has since the fall of 2007. A pound of butter : you never know when you'll need to move heavy office furniture. Greasing the floor helps things slide. More old, black bananas : we feel bad wasting our rotten fruit. Please don't suggest baking banana bread because if someone hasn't had the urge to bake that in the past four years I doubt they'll find the urge now. Ice . Lots of Ice. Ice packs. Ice c...