Thursday, December 23, 2010

Tortilla Torture

The Bean wanted to bring a plate of those pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up appetizers for our family's Christmas. So I put her in charge. Because it's important for kids to get a sense of accomplishment. And by "kid," I mean a 15-year old oh-my-goodness-in-less-than-three-years-she-will-be-considered-an-adult-and-can-legally-defend-our-country kind of child. Plus, I was at work and couldn't make the pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up things at the office in a way that made people believe it was actually part of the "and all other duties as required" clause of my contract. Of course I told her to call if she had any questions....

Bean: Mom, I can't spread the cream cheese on the tortilla. It's too hard.

Me: Put it in the microwave for fifteen seconds.

Bean: Fifty?

Me: Fifteen.

Bean: Fifty?

Me: Fifteen.

Bean: Fifty? Or Fifteen.

Me: Fif-teeeen.

Bean: Oh, I thought you said fif-teee.

Me: No. Fif-teeeeeen.

Bean: Okay. But I'm not going to stand in front of the microwave. They say the radioactive waves can give you super powers or something.

Me: That's fine, stand to the side.

Bean: So, how much of this am I supposed to spread on the tortilla?

Me: Um... do it like you're buttering bread.

Bean: But I like a lot of butter on my bread.

Me: That's fine.

Bean: But not everybody likes a lot of butter.

Me: Then put on less.

Bean: It isn't sticking.... This is kind of hard.... Ok. Now what?

Me: Put ham on it.

Bean: Hold on; I have to open the container. ....
.....
.....

Bean:  .... How do you open it?

Me: You can use a knife or a scissors or kitchen shears, which is a fancy word for scissors....

Bean: It's not opening. What's the point of sealing this so tight?

Me: So it doesn't spoil. Is it open?

Bean: No. I can't get it open.

Me: Go get a hacksaw...

Bean: (yelling towards the background) "Hey, V! My Mom says I need a hacksaw!"

Big V: (yelling from the background) "I've got one downstairs - hold on and I'll go get it!"

Me: NO! IT WAS A JOKE! NO! YOU do NOT need a HACKSAW. Just, please use the scissors.

Bean: Ugh. Finally I got it open. That's just ridiculous. Ok. Now what.

Me: Put your ham on it.

Bean: How?

Me: Use your hands if they're clean.

Bean: No, I mean, where does it go?

Me: Just lay the slices over the tortilla to cover all the cream cheese.

Bean: But the ham is too small. It doesn't cover it.

Me: Then put two slices on it.

Bean: Huh?

Me: Imagine the tortilla is a brain scan. Imigine the center line that divides the hemispheres - now, lay one slice of ham on the left hemisphere and one slice of ham on the right hemisphere.

Bean: Oh! That makes sense. ... Ok, my brain is done.

Me: Oh, goody. Now wrap the pickle.

Bean: How do I do that?

Me: Just, I don't know - put the pickle down and wrap it up.

Bean: Where do I put the pickle?

Me: At the bottom of the tortilla.

Bean: It's so small.

Me: Take two pickles and put them end to end.

Bean: Huh?

Me: Ok. Do you know the game you play with the little kids and you put your index fingers together - touching like in ET? And you say, "Break the pickle...."

Bean: Oh, yeah!

Me: Pretend the pickles are your fingers and make them touch.

Bean: Ok. Got it.

Me: Now, roll the pickles up like you're wrapping up a dead body in a floor rug.

Bean: It's not sticking. The body's going to fall out.

Me: Use some cream cheese as a paste on the end flap of the tortilla. That should seal it shut.

Bean: I just want you to know I will never go to culinary school because I can't put a pickle in a tortilla.

... based on the photo she sent me via text, I fear she may be correct...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hanes Revenge

If Big V has one problem I would define it as Hanes T-Shirt Addiction. As in the man had 68 plain white t-shirts that he wore. All the time. Every day. Rain or shine. You could always count on Big V in a plain, boring, white, t-shirt.

Except it wasn't the "sexy man in a white t shirt" image you're thinking about. (Or the particular image I happen to picture...)


Big V's shirts were stretched out. And kind of grayish. And covered with stains because he wore them to work. And also after work when he would eat buffalo wings and barbequed ribs and spill sauce and wipe his fingers on the bottom hem. 

Since he wore a plain, stretched out, grayish-white, stain covered t-shirt every day people assumed he only owned one. Except he didn't. He owned many. Far too many for any one normal human being.

Enter me.

Like a stealthy ninja in the middle of the night, I took every single white t-shirt I could find and got rid of them. All 68 of them. (Don't worry; he took to wearing any number of his thousands of fire department and sports team t-shirts he had been avoiding.)

Now - many, many months later he approaches me: Didn't I used to have a bunch of white t-shirts?

Mmmm.... I don't know? Did you?

Yeah, I could've swore I had some.

Huh? Did you check your closet?

That's so strange....

I'd say.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Christmas List

A washing machine. That drains.

A dryer. That dries.

New tires for the car. Non-bald ones.

And for the dippy lady who works at the eye doctor's to recode the stupid medical procedure for my daughter's wonky eyeball to something other than "standard office exam" so my insurance company will actually pay the claim already.

That is all.

Well, that and also a Tiffany blue tea kettle.

Make every morning Breakfast at Tiffany's with
Martha Stewart's Blue Enamel on Steel Tea Kettle.


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Scaling Back Christmas

In the booming economy my kids got something like 417 gifts each for Christmas. Now we're poor and I'd rather pay for heat so I needed a way to let them know that they'd be having a scaled down Christmas without coming across like the grinch. So, I told them Jesus only got three gifts for his birth and that His birth is what created the holiday in the first place and what makes them think they're better than Jesus that they should get more gifts than he did?

They pitched a fit but only until I explained frankincense and myrrh were some sort of herb and if they didn't watch it they'd be opening up basil and dill weed come Christmas morn.