Tweet The Bean wanted to bring a plate of those pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up appetizers for our family's Christmas. So I put her in charge. Because it's important for kids to get a sense of accomplishment. And by "kid," I mean a 15-year old oh-my-goodness-in-less-than-three-years-she-will-be-considered-an-adult-and-can-legally-defend-our-country kind of child. Plus, I was at work and couldn't make the pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up things at the office in a way that made people believe it was actually part of the "and all other duties as required" clause of my contract. Of course I told her to call if she had any questions....
Bean: Mom, I can't spread the cream cheese on the tortilla. It's too hard.
Me: Put it in the microwave for fifteen seconds.
Bean: Fifty? Or Fifteen.
Bean: Oh, I thought you said fif-teee.
Me: No. Fif-teeeeeen.
Bean: Okay. But I'm not going to stand in front of the microwave. They say the radioactive waves can give you super powers or something.
Me: That's fine, stand to the side.
Bean: So, how much of this am I supposed to spread on the tortilla?
Me: Um... do it like you're buttering bread.
Bean: But I like a lot of butter on my bread.
Me: That's fine.
Bean: But not everybody likes a lot of butter.
Me: Then put on less.
Bean: It isn't sticking.... This is kind of hard.... Ok. Now what?
Me: Put ham on it.
Bean: Hold on; I have to open the container. ....
Bean: .... How do you open it?
Me: You can use a knife or a scissors or kitchen shears, which is a fancy word for scissors....
Bean: It's not opening. What's the point of sealing this so tight?
Me: So it doesn't spoil. Is it open?
Bean: No. I can't get it open.
Me: Go get a hacksaw...
Bean: (yelling towards the background) "Hey, V! My Mom says I need a hacksaw!"
Big V: (yelling from the background) "I've got one downstairs - hold on and I'll go get it!"
Me: NO! IT WAS A JOKE! NO! YOU do NOT need a HACKSAW. Just, please use the scissors.
Bean: Ugh. Finally I got it open. That's just ridiculous. Ok. Now what.
Me: Put your ham on it.
Me: Use your hands if they're clean.
Bean: No, I mean, where does it go?
Me: Just lay the slices over the tortilla to cover all the cream cheese.
Bean: But the ham is too small. It doesn't cover it.
Me: Then put two slices on it.
Me: Imagine the tortilla is a brain scan. Imigine the center line that divides the hemispheres - now, lay one slice of ham on the left hemisphere and one slice of ham on the right hemisphere.
Bean: Oh! That makes sense. ... Ok, my brain is done.
Me: Oh, goody. Now wrap the pickle.
Bean: How do I do that?
Me: Just, I don't know - put the pickle down and wrap it up.
Bean: Where do I put the pickle?
Me: At the bottom of the tortilla.
Bean: It's so small.
Me: Take two pickles and put them end to end.
Me: Ok. Do you know the game you play with the little kids and you put your index fingers together - touching like in ET? And you say, "Break the pickle...."
Bean: Oh, yeah!
Me: Pretend the pickles are your fingers and make them touch.
Bean: Ok. Got it.
Me: Now, roll the pickles up like you're wrapping up a dead body in a floor rug.
Bean: It's not sticking. The body's going to fall out.
Me: Use some cream cheese as a paste on the end flap of the tortilla. That should seal it shut.
Bean: I just want you to know I will never go to culinary school because I can't put a pickle in a tortilla.
... based on the photo she sent me via text, I fear she may be correct...