Thursday, December 23, 2010

Tortilla Torture

The Bean wanted to bring a plate of those pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up appetizers for our family's Christmas. So I put her in charge. Because it's important for kids to get a sense of accomplishment. And by "kid," I mean a 15-year old oh-my-goodness-in-less-than-three-years-she-will-be-considered-an-adult-and-can-legally-defend-our-country kind of child. Plus, I was at work and couldn't make the pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up things at the office in a way that made people believe it was actually part of the "and all other duties as required" clause of my contract. Of course I told her to call if she had any questions....

Bean: Mom, I can't spread the cream cheese on the tortilla. It's too hard.

Me: Put it in the microwave for fifteen seconds.

Bean: Fifty?

Me: Fifteen.

Bean: Fifty?

Me: Fifteen.

Bean: Fifty? Or Fifteen.

Me: Fif-teeeen.

Bean: Oh, I thought you said fif-teee.

Me: No. Fif-teeeeeen.

Bean: Okay. But I'm not going to stand in front of the microwave. They say the radioactive waves can give you super powers or something.

Me: That's fine, stand to the side.

Bean: So, how much of this am I supposed to spread on the tortilla?

Me: Um... do it like you're buttering bread.

Bean: But I like a lot of butter on my bread.

Me: That's fine.

Bean: But not everybody likes a lot of butter.

Me: Then put on less.

Bean: It isn't sticking.... This is kind of hard.... Ok. Now what?

Me: Put ham on it.

Bean: Hold on; I have to open the container. ....

Bean:  .... How do you open it?

Me: You can use a knife or a scissors or kitchen shears, which is a fancy word for scissors....

Bean: It's not opening. What's the point of sealing this so tight?

Me: So it doesn't spoil. Is it open?

Bean: No. I can't get it open.

Me: Go get a hacksaw...

Bean: (yelling towards the background) "Hey, V! My Mom says I need a hacksaw!"

Big V: (yelling from the background) "I've got one downstairs - hold on and I'll go get it!"

Me: NO! IT WAS A JOKE! NO! YOU do NOT need a HACKSAW. Just, please use the scissors.

Bean: Ugh. Finally I got it open. That's just ridiculous. Ok. Now what.

Me: Put your ham on it.

Bean: How?

Me: Use your hands if they're clean.

Bean: No, I mean, where does it go?

Me: Just lay the slices over the tortilla to cover all the cream cheese.

Bean: But the ham is too small. It doesn't cover it.

Me: Then put two slices on it.

Bean: Huh?

Me: Imagine the tortilla is a brain scan. Imigine the center line that divides the hemispheres - now, lay one slice of ham on the left hemisphere and one slice of ham on the right hemisphere.

Bean: Oh! That makes sense. ... Ok, my brain is done.

Me: Oh, goody. Now wrap the pickle.

Bean: How do I do that?

Me: Just, I don't know - put the pickle down and wrap it up.

Bean: Where do I put the pickle?

Me: At the bottom of the tortilla.

Bean: It's so small.

Me: Take two pickles and put them end to end.

Bean: Huh?

Me: Ok. Do you know the game you play with the little kids and you put your index fingers together - touching like in ET? And you say, "Break the pickle...."

Bean: Oh, yeah!

Me: Pretend the pickles are your fingers and make them touch.

Bean: Ok. Got it.

Me: Now, roll the pickles up like you're wrapping up a dead body in a floor rug.

Bean: It's not sticking. The body's going to fall out.

Me: Use some cream cheese as a paste on the end flap of the tortilla. That should seal it shut.

Bean: I just want you to know I will never go to culinary school because I can't put a pickle in a tortilla.

... based on the photo she sent me via text, I fear she may be correct...

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