Skip to main content

Tortilla Torture

The Bean wanted to bring a plate of those pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up appetizers for our family's Christmas. So I put her in charge. Because it's important for kids to get a sense of accomplishment. And by "kid," I mean a 15-year old oh-my-goodness-in-less-than-three-years-she-will-be-considered-an-adult-and-can-legally-defend-our-country kind of child. Plus, I was at work and couldn't make the pickle-ham-tortilla roll-up things at the office in a way that made people believe it was actually part of the "and all other duties as required" clause of my contract. Of course I told her to call if she had any questions....

Bean: Mom, I can't spread the cream cheese on the tortilla. It's too hard.

Me: Put it in the microwave for fifteen seconds.

Bean: Fifty?

Me: Fifteen.

Bean: Fifty?

Me: Fifteen.

Bean: Fifty? Or Fifteen.

Me: Fif-teeeen.

Bean: Oh, I thought you said fif-teee.

Me: No. Fif-teeeeeen.

Bean: Okay. But I'm not going to stand in front of the microwave. They say the radioactive waves can give you super powers or something.

Me: That's fine, stand to the side.

Bean: So, how much of this am I supposed to spread on the tortilla?

Me: Um... do it like you're buttering bread.

Bean: But I like a lot of butter on my bread.

Me: That's fine.

Bean: But not everybody likes a lot of butter.

Me: Then put on less.

Bean: It isn't sticking.... This is kind of hard.... Ok. Now what?

Me: Put ham on it.

Bean: Hold on; I have to open the container. ....

Bean:  .... How do you open it?

Me: You can use a knife or a scissors or kitchen shears, which is a fancy word for scissors....

Bean: It's not opening. What's the point of sealing this so tight?

Me: So it doesn't spoil. Is it open?

Bean: No. I can't get it open.

Me: Go get a hacksaw...

Bean: (yelling towards the background) "Hey, V! My Mom says I need a hacksaw!"

Big V: (yelling from the background) "I've got one downstairs - hold on and I'll go get it!"

Me: NO! IT WAS A JOKE! NO! YOU do NOT need a HACKSAW. Just, please use the scissors.

Bean: Ugh. Finally I got it open. That's just ridiculous. Ok. Now what.

Me: Put your ham on it.

Bean: How?

Me: Use your hands if they're clean.

Bean: No, I mean, where does it go?

Me: Just lay the slices over the tortilla to cover all the cream cheese.

Bean: But the ham is too small. It doesn't cover it.

Me: Then put two slices on it.

Bean: Huh?

Me: Imagine the tortilla is a brain scan. Imigine the center line that divides the hemispheres - now, lay one slice of ham on the left hemisphere and one slice of ham on the right hemisphere.

Bean: Oh! That makes sense. ... Ok, my brain is done.

Me: Oh, goody. Now wrap the pickle.

Bean: How do I do that?

Me: Just, I don't know - put the pickle down and wrap it up.

Bean: Where do I put the pickle?

Me: At the bottom of the tortilla.

Bean: It's so small.

Me: Take two pickles and put them end to end.

Bean: Huh?

Me: Ok. Do you know the game you play with the little kids and you put your index fingers together - touching like in ET? And you say, "Break the pickle...."

Bean: Oh, yeah!

Me: Pretend the pickles are your fingers and make them touch.

Bean: Ok. Got it.

Me: Now, roll the pickles up like you're wrapping up a dead body in a floor rug.

Bean: It's not sticking. The body's going to fall out.

Me: Use some cream cheese as a paste on the end flap of the tortilla. That should seal it shut.

Bean: I just want you to know I will never go to culinary school because I can't put a pickle in a tortilla.

... based on the photo she sent me via text, I fear she may be correct...


Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…