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Showing posts from September 23, 2012

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Hey, honey! I've called a couple times but keep getting your voicemail... dinner is ready and waiting, and I was wondering if you wanted to walk with us... Dotter has youth group at church and I thought maybe we could all walk  together to drop her off. We'll be waiting for you!

*** 10 minutes later ***

[phone rings]

Hey! About time! When will you be home? I was wondering ----

(whispering) I can't talk now... I've got to get back before they find out I'm gone....

Umm... what?

(still whispering) I've got to get back...

Where are you?

I can't talk now. I'll explain it all later.

Have you been kidnapped by the drug cartel or are you just messing with me? Because I am not calling 9-1-1 unless you're seriously being held hostage.


*** 45 minutes later ***

(busting through the front door) Thank god I set my alarm or I would've been totally screwed!

Ummm.... okay. I'll play along. Yay for alarms! Thank the Lord Almighty! What would we ever do w…

I'm Too Young to be This Old

Once, in high school, I passed out in the locker room after swim class and the gym teacher rescued me which was awful because my swimsuit was half off and there's nothing like waking up from a coma to your male gym teacher pleading someone pull her suit up. As if that wasn't bad enough - and it totally should have been - I was then singled out by the Vice Principal. She thought I had an eating disorder and my punishment for passing out was eating school lunch in the nurse's office every day for a week. I had to sit there for a half hour after I was finished to make sure I didn't purge. I tried to tell them that if they wanted to join me for my daily Big Mac and french fries dipped in mayo lunch down at the local McDonald's they could. Let me tell you, I liked to eat!

But somehow I got old. And my body got decrepid. And I feel weak and creaky and ... well, old. Like my body just isn't functioning like it should. Like it used to. And one thing led to another, whi…