Skip to main content

I'm Too Young to be This Old

Once, in high school, I passed out in the locker room after swim class and the gym teacher rescued me which was awful because my swimsuit was half off and there's nothing like waking up from a coma to your male gym teacher pleading someone pull her suit up. As if that wasn't bad enough - and it totally should have been - I was then singled out by the Vice Principal. She thought I had an eating disorder and my punishment for passing out was eating school lunch in the nurse's office every day for a week. I had to sit there for a half hour after I was finished to make sure I didn't purge. I tried to tell them that if they wanted to join me for my daily Big Mac and french fries dipped in mayo lunch down at the local McDonald's they could. Let me tell you, I liked to eat!

But somehow I got old. And my body got decrepid. And I feel weak and creaky and ... well, old. Like my body just isn't functioning like it should. Like it used to. And one thing led to another, which led to celiac disease and gross gluten free breads, and now I'm staring down an appointment with a Dietician/Nutrionist. I'm assuming my problems are stemming from a less than stellar gluten free diet. I get confused over whether or not I can have things that include whey and stuff like that.

And I know what's going to happen: she's going to make me keep track of what I eat. And I'm going to have to come clean about the multiple cans of soda and the candy bars and the fact that I really can eat an entire bag of Salt & Pepper Pop Chips in one sitting. (Don't look at me like that; according to the nutrional information there are only 3 servings per bag.)

She's going to make me eat celery. And egg whites. And I'm going to have to scour the ingredients list on every stupid package of food to make sure there's no hydroxypropylated starch of caramel color or sphingolipids listed because they might utilize a gluten-containing grain in their manufacturing process and honestly, I'd rather just dive into a Big Mac. I might as well throw in my dentures and shuffle down to the dining hall for my unsalted mush-meal.

Also, that gym teacher who saw me half-naked? Yeah, he comes in my office all the time. Awkward. 


Brenna said…
Oh, strangely I want to hug him for yelling for someone else to pull your suit on. That is such a dad thing to do.
Rebecca said…
Sooo...why did you pass out? And was the teacher Mr J or Mr L? One is decidedly creepier than the other, though the thought of either in that situation gives me the willies.
Chiconky said…
Getting old blows. Good luck with the dietitian though. I assume they know that no one willingly eats celery? Isn't it negative calories, which means its more work than its worth, right?

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…