Thursday, September 27, 2012

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Hey, honey! I've called a couple times but keep getting your voicemail... dinner is ready and waiting, and I was wondering if you wanted to walk with us... Dotter has youth group at church and I thought maybe we could all walk  together to drop her off. We'll be waiting for you!

*** 10 minutes later ***

[phone rings]

Hey! About time! When will you be home? I was wondering ----

(whispering) I can't talk now... I've got to get back before they find out I'm gone....

Umm... what?

(still whispering) I've got to get back...

Where are you?

I can't talk now. I'll explain it all later.

Have you been kidnapped by the drug cartel or are you just messing with me? Because I am not calling 9-1-1 unless you're seriously being held hostage.


*** 45 minutes later ***

(busting through the front door) Thank god I set my alarm or I would've been totally screwed!

Ummm.... okay. I'll play along. Yay for alarms! Thank the Lord Almighty! What would we ever do without alarms! Now where the hell have you been for the past two hours?

At court.


Yeah, court.

Like home of lawers and judges and prison sentences kind of court?



Is this fish?

Yes. That is fish. That there is rice. And over in this dish we have some roasted corn because I didn't have any green vegetables, which, according to Mrs. Sorenson - my middle school Home Ec teacher, I would have needed green to balance out the pale color of the fish and rice. Oh, and by the way, I'd strongly urge you to explain why you were in court for the past two hours.

I wasn't in court for two hours. I was waiting at court for two hours. The whole thing only took a few minutes. How long should I heat this up for?

Sixteen minutes. What did you do to land yourself in court?

It wasn't my fault. You know me, I'm the first person to admit when I'm wrong --

You have never admitted ever to being wrong about anything.

Yes I have.

Really? Giving the 14-month old Halls cough drops?

He wanted them!

Paying $50 over asking price for that broken down lawn mower?

I felt bad for the guy!

He was a wanted criminal.

Do you want to hear this or not?

Fine. Go ahead. You were saying that you were wrong...

No - I wasn't wrong. I said I'd admit it if I was, but I wasn't. This was totally the police officer's fault.


See, two months ago I was headed to WalMart along that section that's two lanes and there was a cop driving ahead of me in the next lane. When I turned to go to WalMart he pulled me over and gave me a ticket even though he never even clocked me! He had no idea if I was speeding or not! Anyway. The court date was today and I would have totally forgotten if I hadn't set the alarm in my phone.

So, the cop - who was in front of you - looked through his rear view mirror, saw you turning into WalMart and decided to swing around and give you a made up speeding ticket?

Well, he wasn't in front of me when he pulled me over. By that time I was in front of him because I had passed him. But still, he had no idea how fast I was actually going because he never clocked me. Are you sure I should put this in for sixteen minutes? It sounds done....

It's fine. So, you're driving along the road and see a cop in the next lane in front of you. Let's assume the police officer was driving the speed limit (as many are known to do)... and then you decide to speed up and pass him? Which means you had to speed up faster than the posted speed limit. So.... you were speeding.

I wasn't speeding. You can go up to seven miles over the speed limit and not get a ticket.

I didn't realize it was optional. I thought those speed limit signs said "35" ... not "35 plus seven miles if you feel like it." Besides, if the posted speed limit is 35 wouldn't that mean anything over that number is, well, speeding? So you were speeding and got a ticket.

But that's what you're not getting! The cop never even clocked me! He doesn't know if I was speeding!

You already admitted to going fast enough to pass the police officer, who we assume was driving the posted, legal speed limit. In order to pass him you had to increase your speed, thereby speeding.

Who's side are you on?

Obviously not yours.

You don't even understand. It's not even my fault! I had a green arrow and I wanted to get through the intersection before it turned. This smells like it's burning.

So, you sped past a cop to make the arrow? How is that not your fault?

But I didn't make the arrow! See, you don't know the whole story. The arrow turned yellow and I had a choice to continue through the intersection or to stop. And since I knew the police officer was there I slammed on my brakes.

You speed past a cop just to hit a green arrow and then slam on your brakes at the last second... and you still don't see how any of this is your fault?

Can I get to the end, please? So, I'm sitting at the red light and I just had this feeling he was going to pull me over and sure enough! When I make the turn he throws his lights on and gives me a ticket - but it wasn't even a real speeding ticket because he never clocked me. It was for something called imprudent speeding! ... This is totally burnt. I can't even eat this.

Do you even know what imprudent means?

No, not at all.

Unwise.  Foolish.  Idiotic.  Stupid.

Oh. Well. That kind of explains things.

1 comment:

Chiconky said...

Hilarious! I love it!