Wednesday, August 10, 2011

20 Years Later

My 20-year high school reunion is this weekend which means I totally am going to have to shave my legs. Which sucks because, let's face it, the dark growth makes my legs appear tan from a distance.

I'm totally not caring that I look like I'm carrying around a 6-month old fetus. There's spanx for that.

I'm also not worrying about Big V running into any of my old knocking boots buddies because (1) I was a lady, people, and (2) I always made sure to hook up with people from other school districts in an effort to avoid the awkward 20-years later convo held over the tray of imported cheeses with our respective spouses picking up on the tension.

I am, however, incredibly nervous about two potentially embarrassing situations that would just about kill me:

(a.) Walking around the entire time with food stuck in my teeth and/or a booger coming out of my nose and not one person telling me. Once I sat around at work and laughed and chit-chatted for an entire afternoon before I went to the bathroom and saw I had a piece of food stuck in my teeth. I didn't feel cool at all.

(b) Laughing and/or sneezing so hard that I pee. And innocent bystanders realizing that I just peed. Not that I plan on wetting myself, nor has it ever happened before (at least not out in public) but there's bound to be a first time and dear Lord, please don't let that first time be at my 20-year high school reunion.

My most embarrassing moment during high school happened at a gas station. That was back in the day before pay-at-the-pump action. Super hunky kid was fueling up his car next to me and I was so uber-excited because he glanced over in my general direction and nodded at me - which totally meant he was going to ask me out and the next morning we'd be walking hand in hand down the main hall at school, I could just tell.

And then we walked into the gas station to pay and he let me go in front of him! He was totally checking out my ass while we waited. And then it was my turn to pay so I nervously unzipped my purse and pulled out my trifold wallet with the velcro and next thing I know hot guy was all uh, I think you dropped something... and I followed his gaze to my tampon which had been inadvertently flung out of my purse.

Obviously the relationship was over between us. Who'd want to date such a butterfinger's?

But with the wisdom, knowledge and confidence I have gained from 20 years of growth and experience, I know I'd totally take a flying wad of balled up cotton in a cardboard tube flying out of my purse over pissing my pants any day.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

May I kindly suggest on-line registration?

Yesterday was school registration day. Every kid registering in the entire school district goes to the high school and registers. There were areas set up for each of the three elementary schools, one for the middle school and also the high school.

Registration was all day long. But ended at six. Which was so incredibly thoughtful for those of us who work until 5pm.

Here's how I managed:

5:00pm - leave work. Car doesn't start right away. Curse the living daylights out of it. "Flood" the sucker and try again. It works. Only old farm trucks and cars built before 1980 start this way. My vehicle is neither of those. Curse the car once more for good measure.

5:07pm - pick up Cletus from the sitters. It's raining.

5:10pm - Cletus smells like shit. Yell to back seat, "did you poop?" His response: "Pee yuck."

5:12pm - receive frantic text from the Bean: "I look like a hobo. Are you almost here?"

5:18pm - pull into drive, forget the garage door is on manual. It's downpouring. Get soaked running into the house. Attempt to change flailing baby.

5:25pm - pull out of driveway. Call the Bean. "Oh, we're actually at the arboretum. We didn't feel like waiting at my Dad's." Turn right instead of going straight. Wonder who "we" consists of.

5:27pm - pull into arboretum. "Why are you standing out in the rain like homeless people?" Find out "we" is a friend. Realize the Bean can't do anything without a buddy. She's 16. Life is like that.

5:28pm - pull out of arboretum and drive towards school. Remember I have another daughter who will be dropped off at home at 5:30pm. Yell out, "OH, SHIT!"

5:29pm - speed towards home; get caught at a stupid intersection where it's impossible to cross. Start muttering under my breath.

5:32pm - pull back into drive. Realize Dotter is not back yet, thank God. She should be there any second. We shall wait.

5:38pm - Call. Inquire where Dotter is. They're just leaving. Ask to meet at high school instead. Speed out of driveway and drive as fast as humanly possible to high school.

5:42pm - pull into school parking lot. Seemingly one spot left. Looks about three miles away at the farthest end of the parking lot. Grab Cletus and attempt to carry him through flooding parking lot as he's squirming and flailing about while yelling, "STUCK! STUCK!" which is his way of telling me he wants to get down.

5:44pm - while walking into the school remember that I still have to get Dotter. Why do I keep forgetting about her? Wait under dripping canopy with crazy Cletus.

5:46pm - Dotter arrives. Cletus decides he's going to walk (s.l.o.w.l.y.) all the way to the cafeteria. Lost track of the Bean and Friend. Dotter whines because her bag is too heavy. Cletus runs in opposite direction.

5:48pm - Enter cafeteria. Wait in line. Cletus screams for no reason and falls to ground with dramatical flair. Dotter gets red and hisses mom, DO SOMETHING! Lady at first registration table takes my papers (already completely filled out, thankyouverymuch) and rolls her eyes. "This table is for sophomores. Your child is a junior."

5:49pm - Cletus is still on the floor screaming, "NO! NO! NO!" Run over to junior table and toss papers towards it. Dotter hisses louder MOM! DO SOMETHING!

5:50pm - drag Cletus by the arm across newly buffed cafeteria floor. He's laughing because he's sliding across and it's fun. Dotter whines, "I can't carry my bag; it's too heavy." Double back and grab bag. Holy shit, it's heavy.

5:51pm - stand in tremendously long line to await payment of registration fees. Thank the good Lord above that Bean has no interest in sports because that would mean another freaking line.

5:53pm - still in line. Bean has finally blessed us with her presence. Bean and Friend stand next to each not talking, but rather texting. Every so often one looks up to the other and exclains things like I know, right? That's so awkward! I have no idea why they don't just talk to each other.

5:56pm - incredible explosion-like noise goes off. Entire cafeteria falls instantly silent. I look over and see Cletus laying on the ground next to a large metal theatre stanchion that he's tipped over. Go over to help pick them up. Shit, they're heavy.

5:57pm - Cletus starts going to every chair in the cafeteria to climb up, sit, climb down. At least he's occupied.

5:58pm - Ready to pay my bill and get the heck out of dodge. Bean pipes up, "would you like me to go get my ID picture taken so you don't have to wait for me?" Yes. Yes, I believe that to be a grand idea.

5:59pm - Breathe out.

Still 5:59pm - remember that I have to pay for school lunch. Race out to lobby area.

6:01pm - reach lunch table right as they're closing up, start writing check and hope at least some of the children locate me.

6:02pm - all children have reached my side. Dotter whines about that damn bag again. Cletus is full out spastic. Bean and Friend find themselves a boy to talk to. Lunch lady having trouble locating student in system. Firmly tell Dotter to go watch her brother. She whines about a stupid water bottle. Throw water bottle in the bag. "Mom, you can't ---" I cut her off. "Just go watch your brother." I mean business.

6:04pm - lunch is paid. Find Dotter in front of entry doors tackling Cletus attempting to put his shoe on. With purse and heavy as shit bag over my shoulder, lean down to put Cletus's shoe on. Ignore people squeezing around me and all my stuff trying to exit the building. Stand up.

6:05pm - Cletus pulls other shoe off. And throws it. I turn to go pick up shoe. Dotter yells, MOM! THERE'S SOMETHING DRIPPING FROM THE BAG!

6:06pm - back of left leg entirely soaked from contents of entire water bottle that has seeped through the heavy as shit bag. "I tried to tell you that you can't put it in the bag because the top was broken, but you didn't listen." Resist urge to cry as I squat down to put second shoe on toddler.

6:07pm - Walk proudly out the doors pretending not to care that it looks like I'm continually peeing my pants with water splatting on the ground behind me.