Wednesday, August 3, 2011

'Til Death Do Us Part: 1,000 Ways To Make It Happen.

I have a new rule called No More Criminal Minds at Bedtime. I used to like that show but then it got incredibly freaky and now I know 68 more ways a person could be tortured than I did before (and I knew a lot from before because I used to watch CSI and Law & Order) and that just doesn't make for sweet dreams, you know?

Big V knows I have nightmares but he doesn't care because now he suddenly has a new favorite show called I Am Slowly Driving My Partner Insane By Scaring Her To Death. Actually, it's not called that. But it should be.

I'm talking about the Spike TV show called 1000 Ways to Die.

Big V knows how, uh, high strung and anxious I tend to be when it comes to safety. I am only all too aware of those things that are incredibly unsafe and shouldn't be attempted. Like risking your life by eating at an IKEA buffet. No one knows how long those meatballs have been sitting there. Can you say Salmonella? Botulism? E.Coli? I think I made my point.

Anyway, last night some lady had a cat scratch her.

And a hookworm that had been hanging out on the cat's paw then entered her body.

And fed off her organs.

And she could feel it.

And then it killed her.

"...you still want a cat?" (It's amazing how many times I want to smack him in the face.)


I'm actually only assuming the hookworm killed her off because I didn't get to see the end of the show. It was a choice: either he changed the channel, or I would smash the television set and from now on I could read to him before we fell asleep.

Tonight we'll be reading from the GE 30-Inch Smooth Surface Freestanding Electric Range Manual.

3 comments:

Tina, said...

My assistant's cat scratched her and she actually came down with Cat Scratch Fever. It's a real disease, for real. She didn't die though. Thankfully, don't know if I could find another assistant that would get me coffee. Okay, actually Shelle hands me her cup and says "two splenda's, no cream", when I ask her to get my coffee. Maybe a new assistant wouldn't be a bad thing. I could insist that coffee fetching was a MUST, then explain my old assistant died from Cat Scratch Fever, all the while having a large mean assed looking cat sitting on my lap.

wv: thriycom

Johi said...

I'm with you. I don't need MORE reasons to be paranoid. That is why I never read ahead in the What to Expect When You're Expecting book. Scary shit.

Becca said...

OMG gross! "You still want a cat?" Smack!

Let me know when you get to the part about broiling. I've never been able to figure that out.