Skip to main content

'Til Death Do Us Part: 1,000 Ways To Make It Happen.

I have a new rule called No More Criminal Minds at Bedtime. I used to like that show but then it got incredibly freaky and now I know 68 more ways a person could be tortured than I did before (and I knew a lot from before because I used to watch CSI and Law & Order) and that just doesn't make for sweet dreams, you know?

Big V knows I have nightmares but he doesn't care because now he suddenly has a new favorite show called I Am Slowly Driving My Partner Insane By Scaring Her To Death. Actually, it's not called that. But it should be.

I'm talking about the Spike TV show called 1000 Ways to Die.

Big V knows how, uh, high strung and anxious I tend to be when it comes to safety. I am only all too aware of those things that are incredibly unsafe and shouldn't be attempted. Like risking your life by eating at an IKEA buffet. No one knows how long those meatballs have been sitting there. Can you say Salmonella? Botulism? E.Coli? I think I made my point.

Anyway, last night some lady had a cat scratch her.

And a hookworm that had been hanging out on the cat's paw then entered her body.

And fed off her organs.

And she could feel it.

And then it killed her.

" still want a cat?" (It's amazing how many times I want to smack him in the face.)

I'm actually only assuming the hookworm killed her off because I didn't get to see the end of the show. It was a choice: either he changed the channel, or I would smash the television set and from now on I could read to him before we fell asleep.

Tonight we'll be reading from the GE 30-Inch Smooth Surface Freestanding Electric Range Manual.


Tina, said…
My assistant's cat scratched her and she actually came down with Cat Scratch Fever. It's a real disease, for real. She didn't die though. Thankfully, don't know if I could find another assistant that would get me coffee. Okay, actually Shelle hands me her cup and says "two splenda's, no cream", when I ask her to get my coffee. Maybe a new assistant wouldn't be a bad thing. I could insist that coffee fetching was a MUST, then explain my old assistant died from Cat Scratch Fever, all the while having a large mean assed looking cat sitting on my lap.

wv: thriycom
Johi said…
I'm with you. I don't need MORE reasons to be paranoid. That is why I never read ahead in the What to Expect When You're Expecting book. Scary shit.
Becca said…
OMG gross! "You still want a cat?" Smack!

Let me know when you get to the part about broiling. I've never been able to figure that out.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…