Friday, August 19, 2011

August is the only month without a national holiday; which is good because that would take away from My Birthday!

It's my birthday, y'all!

The Office Scape Goose dressed in honor of my birthday.
I like how it thinks I'm all princess-y.
Obviously we haven't spent a lot of time together.

In honor of the 11th anniversary of my 27th birthday, I shall impart wisdom that I have learned over the years:

Boys that are suddenly interested in you twenty minutes before bar time do not want to explore a relationship with you. They want to get in your pants. And, if you let them, you don't get to cry over the fact they snuck out of your apartment under the cover of night without exchanging numbers. I don't care how cute they are or how honest and sincere they seemed; wait for the ones that take you out during daytime and talk to you long enough to at least learn your last name.

Never, ever, ever let your teenage self allow your teenage sister to cut your hair. She does not possess any special skills. None whatsoever. And it will be forever memorialized in your Sophomore Student ID picture.

The key to melting chocolate is low heat. Be patient. It may seem like it's taking forever and nothing is happening but trust me, the results will be heavenly. Too hot, too fast will leave a bitter taste in your mouth and you'll find yourself throwing pots and pans across your front yard. The same holds true for relationships.

If you don't like cake and would rather have pie, speak up. Otherwise you'll find yourself forced to eat thick-as-a-brick cake. And you'll have to pretend you like it. Even as you're squirming because there are forty thousand cake granules freaking out your taste buds. It's okay that you like the pie. Get the pie. Enjoy the pie. If the cake lovers hate you, so be it. It's your taste buds.

Nike knows what they're talking about. When a thought passes your mind - just DO IT. I should send her a card. Do it. I'd love to invite the girls out for drinks. Do it. I want to learn to crochet. Do it. I've always wanted to try to roller blade. Do it.

Every single person on this planet has an extraordinary story. Most people don't think their story is anything special because they live it every day. To them it's just ordinary. Believe me when I tell you that if you stop talking, and start listening, you'll hear incredible journeys rich with examples of strength and courage and faith. Learn their stories. Learn yours.

If your friend tries to talk you into stealing her neighbor's horse, don't do it. It's just not a good idea. The horse will get spooked and take off and then you'll get hit in the head with a low lying branch and go flying off the horse, hitting your head on the ground with such force you'll be knocked unconscious. Believe this to be true.

You're never too old to start over, start new, turn the corner, take another step. You are not destined to be stuck in one spot forever.

Don't be a victim. Your boyfriend beats the crap out of you? Don't stay. (I stayed too long. They don't just stop.) Your job sucks and your boss is a ridiculous micro-managing crazy person? Don't stay. (I stayed too long. They don't just change.) Your jeans don't fit you and you sit on the couch nightly crying over the fact that you have no energy? Don't stay. (On the couch, I mean. You can bitch and feel sorry for yourself just as much when you're walking around town as you can sitting on that damn couch for four hours a night.)

There will be times when you feel like you're forever stuck, but it will pass - with or without your assistance; I'm telling you it will pass quicker with your help. This means that when you find yourself pregnant at twenty, making $6.75 an hour and you don't have any health insurance coverage, it'll suck. You'll feel like you lived a thousand years in a matter of months. But those dark and endless months will move towards an amazing light called, "I just paid all my bills and I actually have $1.17 left over which means there is hope!" And you'll make it. (Do yourself a favor, help yourself along by being as proactive as you can.)

Tie your shoes before you ride an escalator. Just step to the side and tie. your. shoes.

Don't feel forced to play with the mean kids. They're mean. They'll make you feel bad. They want to make you feel bad. You don't deserve to be made to feel bad. Just walk away from them. If you see them in the sandbox, avoid the sandbox. It's just not worth it. Some mean kids grow out of their meanness. It's okay to play with them when you're older. Some mean kids grow up to be still mean. Stay away from them, too.

It's okay to call someone to watch your kids so you can sleep. In fact, please do that. Over tired moms have trouble focusing and veer across the center line, slip on stairs and forget to put the nail polish remover away. Don't be a hero; get sleep.

Send handwritten notes through the United States Postal Service. The recipient will feel special. You did that, so you'll feel pretty good, too. It's a win-win.

Take photos. Sure you might think you look like crap....and perhaps you actually do, but really, it's not about you. It's about your friends and family who will miss you when you're gone and will want a way to remember you: your smile, your lazy eye and that ugly mole which planted itself right between your eyes without your permission. Suck it up and take the damn picture. You don't have to request a copy to hang in your front hall, just don't take away from someone who wants to remember a place and time with you.

Celebrate your birthday. You are important and you are special. The encouraging words you've said, the doors you held open and the two dollar donation to get a paper poppy would not have happened if not for you. Never underestimate your worth. Ever.


In other news:
Big V is taking me to a book store tonight and then out to dinner. I am giddy beyond words. I might not ever leave the book store. I used to dream that if I died I would like to be forever locked in a bookstore. (Think Beetlejuice, not ground up in an urn.) Maybe my heaven is a huge bookstore where I get to sit and read and read and read. Big V might end up going to dinner without me and picking me up when he's done.

I had a FANTASTIC lunch with two incredibly funny and intellegent friends today. I got a free birthday brownie. SCORE!!

My awesome co-workers brought me in a bouquet of flowers and a chocolate mousse pie (because they know I don't like cake). It totally put a smile on my face. They're awesome!

And Facebook has presented me with hundreds of birthday wishes. (Facebook is excellent for the ego!)

Life is so good.

7 comments:

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Happy Birthday!
Lovely post, terrific advice...

Becca said...

I love this! Happy birthday!

Tina, said...

Happy Birthday! Have dinner first then hit the book store, some stay open really late. If Big V wants to talk to you when you read make him suffer the entire evening in the bookstore!

wv: sedlis

Brenna said...

I neeed this post today, thank for giving me such a lovely gift on YOUR birthday. Enjoy your pie.

Getrealmommy said...

Hey happy bday to one of my most favorite bloggers! Mine is tomorrow! Celebrating the 10 yr anniversary of my 27 th year!

Rebecca said...

I think we should combine your wisdom and my simple rules and write a book.

joslynedecker said...

Yes. I frequently pay someone to watch my kid so I can sleep. It's called SURVIVAL. Also, I can't seem to get the melting chocolate on low heat. I mean, I *know* it's true -- I'm just impatient. :)